My mom is driving me crazy - WWYD/WDYT?
Ok, so long story short, my mom has this bizarre-o rivalry with her sister (my aunt). My brother is getting married this summer and I'm a bridesmaid. My aunt offered to have a couples shower for my brother and his fiancee, and my mom freaked the F out b/c she didn't want my aunt to do it - SHE wanted to do it, which is somewhat questionable etiquette. Anyway, in a way to rationalize it, she pulled me into it and acted like we were "jointly" hosting the shower since the wedding is far OOT for me and I won't make it to any of the showers there for the bride, even though I'm a bridesmaid. Also, I'm OOT from my parents (where a majority of our family and my brother's friends are), as well, so I've basically done NOTHING except find the invites for my mom and take care of the RSVPs.
On the one hand, I try to stay out of this crap, because it's juvenile (and completely irrational), but I also didn't want to fight my mom on this. So I gave in, and agreed to "help" and be a part of hosting the shower, which is basically a party since it's a couples shower.
Anyway, the shower is in 3 weeks, and my mom has started bugging me non-stop about two things: (1) a babysitter for Jackson and (2) boarding our dog. The babysitter for Jackson is REALLY pissing me off because my brother wants him at the shower, his FMIL is expecting to meet him at this shower, and it's just stupid. The shower begins at 6pm at my parents' house, and will likely go late, as my brother and his friends/family like to party, so my mom expects me to find a sitter for him that can watch them at their house and then expects me to leave the shower (or I'm assuming expects MH to do this), go get him around 8-8:30 and then put him to bed at their house (we're staying with them, as we always do). In what world does this make sense? It's utterly ridiculous. The dog thing I kind of understand, but she has a crate and we'd put her in her crate in our bedroom until the party was over and it'd be no big deal. I'm willing to board her here, but I don't want to because I'm annoyed w/ my mom and our dog is incredibly, incredibly neurotic. She likely won't eat and she'll probably gnaw off some of her fur. It just seems silly for something that will likely be a couple hours and we could crate her w/ no issue.
Now I just want to tell her we're not even coming. Not only has she been bugging me about this, she called me yesterday, while she KNEW I was busy, visiting friends, to speak to me for 20 minutes about her plans for the shower and other various ridiculous uptight, overly anxious BS that she wants me to deal w/ for this shower b/c she's obsessed w/ appearances.
It's funny - 5 years ago if you had asked me who was crazier, my mom or my MIL, I would have said my MIL hands down. Anymore, I can barely stand my mom and I hate it. Everything she does makes me want to spit fire at her, and I am so close to just being done. There's a long history of stuff here (obviously - I doubt people get near done w/out it), and I just don't know what to do anymore.
So yeah... thoughts? Am I the crazy one?
Re: My mom is driving me crazy - WWYD/WDYT?
In my experience, the issues won't stop even after the shower. I tend to get the "did you see what so and so had on" or "how dare she make such a comment". I'd completely bow out, offer to send your mom some money for food or something, and not worry about it.
If she questions, just tell her 1. Its pointless to try to find a sitter. 2. You don't need the added expense of boarding the dog (even if that's not true).
Good luck with whatever you decide.
Can you find a sitter to watch DS at her house? That way you can be free to do your hosting duties but he will still be at the house.
I think moms get really worked up over wedding stuff. It can be very exhausting. Can you have a candid conversation with her without her taking it the wrong way? I really can't with my mom so I generally end up appeasing her if it is really a big deal. I would go ahead and board the dog. I hate boarding our dog but sometimes it was a necessary evil.
No, I really can't. She will flip out. She's utterly irrational, and if I say anything to her, she starts a fight, and then ignores it until something happens where she calls me and pretends like nothing happened. EX: when I was pg w/ Jackson, my youngest brother made some really nasty comments to me that only my mother overheard and she hid it from everyone else in the family and pretended I overreacted for no reason to protect him. I went apesh*t on her because of that, stopped speaking to her afterward, and 2 weeks after that she called me, telling me my dad's cancer was likely back, like the manipulative witch she is when it comes to this stuff (FWIW, his cancer was not back).
The thing is, MH will be on Jackson duty during the shower. He barely knows any of the people who will be there and totally doesn't care if he has to take care of Jackson by himself.
I think I am going to board our dog. MH is going to flip his sh*t b/c he doesn't understand my mom's issue w/ our dog and he is the type of person who would let someone and their 8 dogs come stay at our house.
Actually, I think I'm going to tell her we'll either board the dog, or MH will just stay home w/ both Jackson and the dog and I'll come by myself if she doesn't stop pushing a babysitter on me.
I think boarding the dog and having J or just you coming is fair. My mom would definitely want my DS there. I don't really get her beef with that especially if you have to leave the party to go get him anyway. That is totally weird.
I fee your pain with not really being able to address issues. I can't believe she would let another child make nasty comments and then make you look like the jerk!
so she wants you to hire a sitter to watch your son at the party? did I read that right?
my parents are very funny about animals and all the years I had my dog, my dog was never allowed at their place (and I was fine with that). has the dog stayed there before?
I know... I'll never get over it, which is probably why I am bitter about even little things now. It's not surprising to me (still hurtful but not surprising) - she has always made excuses for him and protected him at the expense of pretty much everyone around her, including her other kids. Of course, now she can't figure out why I'm not close with him and have no desire to really involve him in my life (selective memory loss I guess).
I wouldn't mind the whole babysitter thing if it was a situation where he'd be gone for the whole party (like in the afternoon or morning), but having to leave 2 hours into the party to go get him? Just seems stupid.
Let me count the reasons I am glad I live 4 hours away from her now... lol.
No, she wants me to find a sitter (likely one of my friends) to watch him at the sitter's (whoever that may be) house. For 2 hours. Then I (or MH) is to go get him and bring him back to my parents' house to put him to bed.
As for the dog, she has been to my parents' house pretty much every time we have ever been there. She actually lived there for awhile when I first got her, as she is my dog, and I had her when I was still home for summers during college/law school.
I guess other important background is my mom is completely and utterly insane when she hosts parties. Like neurotic, insane, calling me to ask about where I am going to put our bags when we are at her house 40 times in the month before the party, when we've never put them anywhere but in the room we are staying in (which I think is reasonable and normal?). I'm assuming that's why she doesn't want the dog there - she thinks she'll make a mess? But the dog has never done that when there before and is a 9lb, non-shedding dog, so whatever. I'll board her, but I'll think my mom has lost her mind. I think part of this is my mom is trying to impress my brother's FILs, as well as some of his friends' parents who are pretty wealthy.
My MIL is weird and kind of neurotic, and I usually just do what I want, but then I make MH tell her. I'm a conflict avoider.
So really, I'm no help.
Annelise 3.22.2007 Norah 10.24.2009 Amelia 8.7.2011
about your son: can you just say 'ok, ok' and then bring him anyway? like is she the kind of person that wants things in place, but maybe forgets about them later? Or, just say "I'll take care of it" and act like it was her idea to bring him to the party! lol, that is prob a bad idea, ignore that.
my mom was stressed about meeting my ILs too and ending up fighting with me. it blew over, but not before I went partially insane. my mom is crazy as a fox.
I'm sorry. what a sucky situation.
LOL... I am willing to argue w/ about anyone but my mom. Probably b/c she is crazy (at least IMO). So I avoid conflict w/ her and then get roped into this stuff and b*tch about it.
I'm going to really piss her off in May by staying w/ my aunt instead of her when we come in for my OTHER brother's wedding that is being held at my parents' house. But I just can't be bothered to care anymore - she makes every visit miserable for me.
I just hate that this is where our relationship has gone - for the longest time we were so close.