guilty times one million
I spoke with dd#1 social worker today...apparantly BM had not been handling the adoption well. And by not well I mean she was hospitalized for a mental health issue in the recent past over this decision. I feel just horrible that she is struggling so much. The SW states that has never felt anything but happiness that we have given DD a home and everything she needs, etc..but it seems that this has really weighed on her heart and soul.
It is very upsetting that someone that brings me such joy brings someone else such feelings of pain.
We send photo books twice a year and I work hard to make them comprehensive and descriptive so she knows exactly how DD is doing, tons of pictures etc. I wish there was something I could do or say to help her to move on/ resolve her guilt or sadness.
I just needed to say this to people who might understand my feelings of guilt over someone else's pain...know what I mean?
Re: guilty times one million
Oh man, that must be so incredibly difficult.
I am so relieved every time I talk to Payton's bmom and she sounds like she is doing so wonderfully. There are some calls she hardly even asks about Payton! We only had one call where she was having a really hard time, but it was because the clinic she'd gone to for an abortion referral called her to check up on her and she said she felt overwhelming guilt about what she almost did (her words) and then she was worried if Payton would resent her b/c she kept her 3 older children and raised them.
Anyways, I think the hardest part about being an AP is knowing that it's a possibility that something that makes you so happy, makes the BP so sad. And knowing that there is nothing you can do to fix that sadness. It's the absolute worst feeling in the world to be completely helpless.
(((HUGS)))
Has she written any letters to your daughter? Maybe if she was invited to write to her so she can read them when she's older? I find writing therapeutic even though I am not a great writer or even write all that frequently. Maybe send some more frequent pictures and a letter a card on special occassions? Maybe your daughter can draw a picture? You're probably covering this in the routine stuff, but sometimes something unexpected is really nice to get.
Good luck and I hope your bm is able to resolve her guilt over her decision someday. I know I can't even imagine how that would feel.
TTC since May 2006. After 3 failed Clomid cycles, 2 failed Injectibles/IUIs, 2 failed IVFs and 1 failed FET, we moved on to adoption!
Last ditch FET resulted in BFP, and identical twin girls!
This is a great idea....I have offered to send more pictures. We just had some taken in fact. I love the idea about sending a picture she drew (or scribbled at this point) I will ask about BM writing DD a letter, that might be a good outlet. She has written a booklet the agency does with them about "things I want you to know".
Thanks for the support...we thought she was doing well. I am sad that we were so wrong.
BM's regret is my biggest fear.
Our BM did not get to choose adoption because DD was taken for her at birth. My fear is that when she finds out that it is done...final...and no going back that she will overdose. TPR was done over a year ago so it is not like BM can get DD anyway but I am afraid of what will happen when it is all offical. If I was my BM I think I would be in denial about DD. BM has been a drug addict for 10 plus years so I am afraid that she is not living in reality.
It sounds as though your child's birth mother had unresolved mental health issues--issues that may have led to the unplanned pregnancy. It's very likely that the adoption was only one contributing factor in her illness.
Please don't shoulder this burden. It's not your fault (if she hadn't picked you, she would have picked someone else), and your agency should have support services available to her.