I had a very traumatic labor and delivery of my son. My water broke 10 days early, labor did not start on it's own, so I ended up on pitocin about 8 hours later. It then took another 4 hours for contractions to start and I wasn't dialating. My OB's philosophy is that first labors can take a while and she likes to give the body a chance to do what it's supposed to (which was one of the things I liked about her). Anyway, fast forward 57 HOURS LATER, and my baby was born. There were some issues with his heart rate and my temperature (infection was present) during the process. The NICU team was there to look him over when he was delivered, but everything seemed to be ok. No one really explained what was going on, he was just taken to the nursery.
Everything after that, until he was brought to me in my recovery room, was pretty much a blur. I had been up for 3 days and had nothing to eat. I was extremely swollen from all the IV fluids and still had the catheter. They forgot to feed me after delivery and the nurses were less than helpful. One even yelled at me for not having the ice pack in the right place. I was pretty much helpless.
That first night with my son in the room was awful. He had this ear piercing cry that wouldn't stop (I later learned that that cry was a symptom of something wrong). The nurses were in and out checking his temperature, but it always seemed to be right at the border of what was ok. This is where things get really bad. The day we were supposed to be discharged, the nurse said she something wasn't quite right and wanted him to go to pediatrics to stay another night b/c of his temperture instability. I was a mess. We go to see him before they take him, and we see the NICU team with him. They were taking him to the NICU instead. Now I was a total wreck. The NICU doctor finally comes to our room and tells us that they were seeing seizure activity and he needs to me admitted to the NICU. We were going home without our baby.
13 days later, MRI findings that he suffered a lack of blood flow to his brain at some point, no answers as to when or for how long, and we have our baby home. A lot of those 13 days are still a blur to me. (He seems to be very healthy now, meeting all the milestones and thriving)
I don't even know what I am feeling now, but I am constantly thinking about the little things I noticed with him during recovery. Later I realized that these things were seizures. I was holing my baby while he was seizing and I didn't know it. I am starting to feel such guilt about it. Guilt about not knowing there was something wrong. I am also constantly replaying labor and recovery over and over again in my head. I had a nightmare 2 nights ago about DS dying. I have no thoughts of harming him or myself when I'm awake, and the dream was someone else harming him.
Yesterday, I was supposed to meet my mom at BRU and she called to tell me she didn't get her tax stuff finished and couldn't make it. I was already on my way there, and I started to feel like I was going to have a panic attack b/c she couldn't come. I have always been a very independent person, and never needed anyone to do things with me before. I almost turned around, but talked myself out of it.
I also lost a lot of weight before I got pregnant, and now have about 30 pounds to lose. I have always had body issues, and I know this is contributing to my sad feelings.
There is so much more I could write about what I'm feeling, and if you're still reading...THANK YOU! I just don't know what to do. I can be a stubborn person, and really don't like admitting things are wrong or that I need help, but I feel like I could completely crumble at any time. I want to tell DH how I'm feeling, but I don't know how.
ok...I'm done now...i could keep rambling forever