Don't know what to do...(long) — The Bump
Postpartum Depression

Don't know what to do...(long)

I had a very traumatic labor and delivery of my son. My water broke 10 days early, labor did not start on it's own, so I ended up on pitocin about 8 hours later. It then took another 4 hours for contractions to start and I wasn't dialating. My OB's philosophy is that first labors can take a while and she likes to give the body a chance to do what it's supposed to (which was one of the things I liked about her). Anyway, fast forward 57 HOURS LATER, and my baby was born. There were some issues with his heart rate and my temperature (infection was present) during the process. The NICU team was there to look him over when he was delivered, but everything seemed to be ok. No one really explained what was going on, he was just taken to the nursery.

Everything after that, until he was brought to me in my recovery room, was pretty much a blur. I had been up for 3 days and had nothing to eat. I was extremely swollen from all the IV fluids and still had the catheter. They forgot to feed me after delivery and the nurses were less than helpful. One even yelled at me for not having the ice pack in the right place. I was pretty much helpless.

That first night with my son in the room was awful. He had this ear piercing cry that wouldn't stop (I later learned that that cry was a symptom of something wrong). The nurses were in and out checking his temperature, but it always seemed to be right at the border of what was ok. This is where things get really bad. The day we were supposed to be discharged, the nurse said she something wasn't quite right and wanted him to go to pediatrics to stay another night b/c of his temperture instability. I was a mess. We go to see him before they take him, and we see the NICU team with him. They were taking him to the NICU instead. Now I was a total wreck. The NICU doctor finally comes to our room and tells us that they were seeing seizure activity and he needs to me admitted to the NICU. We were going home without our baby.

13 days later, MRI findings that he suffered a lack of blood flow to his brain at some point, no answers as to when or for how long, and we have our baby home. A lot of those 13 days are still a blur to me. (He seems to be very healthy now, meeting all the milestones and thriving)

I don't even know what I am feeling now, but I am constantly thinking about the little things I noticed with him during recovery. Later I realized that these things were seizures. I was holing my baby while he was seizing and I didn't know it. I am starting to feel such guilt about it. Guilt about not knowing there was something wrong. I am also constantly replaying labor and recovery over and over again in my head. I had a nightmare 2 nights ago about DS dying. I have no thoughts of harming him or myself when I'm awake, and the dream was someone else harming him. 

Yesterday, I was supposed to meet my mom at BRU and she called to tell me she didn't get her tax stuff finished and couldn't make it. I was already on my way there, and I started to feel like I was going to have a panic attack b/c she couldn't come. I have always been a very independent person, and never needed anyone to do things with me before. I almost turned around, but talked myself out of it.

I also lost a lot of  weight before I got pregnant, and now have about 30 pounds to lose. I have always had body issues, and I know this is contributing to my sad feelings.

There is so much more I could write about what I'm feeling, and if you're still reading...THANK YOU! I just don't know what to do. I can be a stubborn person, and really don't like admitting things are wrong or that I need help, but I feel like I could completely crumble at any time. I want to tell DH how I'm feeling, but I don't know how. 

 ok...I'm done now...i could keep rambling forever :)   

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Re: Don't know what to do...(long)

  • I am so sorry for all that you have been through and for how you are feeling.  It sucks, but it can and will get better.  I urge you to tell your DH how you are feeling--he can't help to support you if you hide all of this from you.  And, on Monday morning, call your OB and tell them that you need to be seen ASAP.  It sounds to me like you are dealing with post partum anxiety and/or depression.

    I had a traumatic birth experience too--different from yours in that I was the one who got really sick and my recovery was rough, then I developed post partum anxiety and depression (in addition to my already-diagnosed ADD).  My docs put me on Pristiq and it has helped SO much.  I understand things being a blur, I don't remember much of my LO's first 6 weeks. (Thank goodness for my family as they took care of LO and me for nearly 2 months.)  But, bit by bit, I felt better.

    I hope that your LO continues to do well, he is very cute! 

    Admitting that you are feeling the way that you are is not admitting a weakness or a failure.  If you had diabetes, you'd see a doctor for that.  You are experiencing a chemical imbalance.  With proper treatment (medications and/or therapy), you WILL feel better.  You are not alone in all of this.  Scroll down and you'll see that others are too.  It sucks that we are all here, but knowing that you are not alone has always helped me feel a bit better.

    Take care!

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  • I just want to say that you are a WONDERFUL MOMMY!!!!! Just the fact that you are checking in here to discuss your feelings shows that to me. None of us in your place would have known that our baby was having little seizures and none of us would have done anything differently than you did.

    Talk to your husband and let him know how you feel. Don't feel ashamed about how you are feeling..it is very normal. But do make sure you talk about it~

     Good luck!

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  • I am so sorry that you had such a hard time with your delivery. I had a rough labor & delivery but nothing dealing with DS. Definitely talk to your OB and get something or someone to talk to about what you are feeling. Hope you feel better soon!
  • Oh i can't imagine going through what you went through. I agree with the previous posts. Call your OB and ask about medication. Beyond that I would look into support groups in your area and/or counseling. In my area there are post partum support groups and traumtic birth support groups. I am also seeing a therapist now (which i didn't start until 15mo postpartum and I wish I had started sooner).

    What you went through was awful and traumatic and I can tell just by what you wrote there are many many layers of disapointment, anger, fear, guilt, etc. it is very helpful to talk that over with someone who specializes in postpartum anxiety/depression. very very helpful. you deserve to feel better and to heal from this.

    the hardest part is those first few phone calls.

     best wishes.

    DD 4yo DS 1yo
  • Thanks you all so much for your kind words. Just getting all that off my chest has really made me feel so much better. Part of my problem is that I never want to see the OB that delivered my son again & I haven't found a new one yet. Would it be worth it to talk to my PCP or should I find a new OB? I will also look into the traumatic birth support group. You ladies are so wonderful here, and I really appreciate all of the advice.

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  • thats completly understandable. i would make an appointment with your PCP and explain your story. He/she can help you too. It doesn't have to be your OB. I actually got help from my daughters pediatrician first because she identified my PPD before anyone else. Then I continued my care with my PCP. I LOVE my PCP - he's so understanding and kind and even willing to fight my insurance company for me so that they will pay for my meds.

    I am in the market for a new OB as well. I think you just need to go with whoever you feel most comfortable with. If you don't feel comfortable with any of your current doctors find someone you do.

    keep us updated.

    DD 4yo DS 1yo
  • this site is how i found my therapist.

    https://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/index.php

    also you can just google postpartum depression and the name of your city to find some resources near you.

    DD 4yo DS 1yo
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