confusion w parenting my 36 mo DD

pugowner210

I just don't have the energy to do what sometimes works with her all the time - to get her to go up for nap, I say let's race up the stairs but then she fights me on every other step to bedtime, the only way to get her to eat veggies is to race and no matter who finishes theirs first she loves to say I beat you!, she still runs away and says don't change me when you go to change her diaper even if she's poopy and I cannot get her to pick up her toys - she wants to "help" me clean because she loves when I let her spray the glass cleaner and clean the tabletop and windows but hates that I need to closely supervise and everything I try to let her help with she wants to turn it into she has to do it her way end of story and I'm so sick of the power struggles - I gave up on potty training and am waiting for her to come around bc it's just a struggle and she needs to want to do it. I just feel like this all sums up to me failing at parenting! I pretty much have more frustration than enjoyment and I HATE that! My MIL says I'm not supposed to be her friend but her teacher and protector, etc, but there HAS to be a way to try and achieve all these things without barking at her to scare her into it like our parents said they did. I know I have no idea how to give consequences for bad behavior or  not listening I usually resort to threats and hate that too!

ccm1203

Rewards go a long way. 

Also I don't think it is horrible to threaten, some threats are actually rewards (if you don't go upstairs to get ready for bed you aren't going to get a story tonight type of threat)

Mominator

Having a 3 y/o is a constant battle of wills and I have just learned what battles are worth fighting and which ones aren't. For example, as for the cleaning thing, of course DD always wants to help but I don't like the idea of her touching anything with chemicals. So, I got an empty spray bottle and filled it with some water and a little bit of vinegar and give it to DD to clean with. Because of the vinegar it kind of smells like cleaner and she will go to town for like an hour and all it costs me is a roll of papertowels

DandR

I think you CAN parent without being their best friend and without screaming and barking orders.  I mean, I guess sometimes discipline isn't "fun"...but it shouldn't be.  BUT that doesn't mean you have to scream and such..

I guess my only suggestions are to have a routine, make sure she knows whats coming up next "Its 10 minutes until bedtime." Don't argue with her...say "this is whats going to happen." and then make it happen.  you will never win an argument or get the last word with a 3 year old.  Diaper changes---don't engage her in the conflict...say "its time to change your diaper." and if she tries to run away, pick her up and just change it.  You don' thave to be mad at her about it or anything...just be matter of fact.   Sometimes it helps to validate her feelings. "I know you don't want to have your diaper changed...but its gross to walk around with a wet diaper." or whatever...so she knows you know why she's running. 

 

dnagal

Remember that you are the parent, and the one who should have the authority to determine, for example when a diaper change is necessary.  Ditto D&R, you can't always be her buddy and negotiate or entertain your way through every situation, sometimes you just need to be the boss and be tough enough to accept the tears/tantrum, etc. 

And as an aside:  How long will you be counting months? 

pugowner210

Haha - I just said 36 mo because she JUSt turned 3 and didn't know if that would make any difference in people's response vs. saying 3 yr old

jlw2505

First I had to laugh at the months comment as well. 

I agree with what the PPs have said.  Try reading the book 1 2 3 Magic.  I am in the middle of it now (very fast read) and it makes a lot of sense.  I have also read Love and Logic but feel that will work better when my kids are older.  My 3 1/2 year old went through a really bad tantrum and not listening phase that we are finally starting to come out of and I was pulling my hair out a ton.  I started doing a lot of things including given my DD choices.  One example is that my DD likes to read at night with her light on after we read her a story.  She only gets to do this if she has been behaving during the day so that is often something I tell her "you have a choice to do x or you don't get your reading time".  We have our bounce house in our basement to help the girls get out some energy during this very long winter (yes, it takes up the entire room and almost hits the ceiling) and it is a great motivator. KNowing the routine is key - find one that works and stick to it.  My DD told me everything she needed to do this morning before we left for school and in what order she wanted to do it and it helped keep us on track.  My mom baby-sat my kids last week and one night she couldn't get my DD moving so she started to write a story about what my DD was doing all by herself.  Worked great.  For me to stay calm, I count to 10 slowly and outloud a lot.  It actually works with my DD as well.  My LO is turning 2 next month and already showing signs of the terrible 2's so I feel your pain!  Good luck

shouldbworkin

Choices worked well with my DS at that age.  And, natural consequences.  Sometimes I just sit back and let him learn the hard way after I give him a warning.  When he is upset that he doesn't like the outcome, I remind him that it was his choice.

JOEBunny

My DD has similar power struggles starting around 3.  She is very emotional and goes kind of crazy if she doesn't get her way.  I have good luck setting very clear expectations and telling her exactly how things will go and repeating it, like " We are going to put your shoes on, your coat, buckle you in your seat and go to library.  Would you like to wear your pink or your pink and brown shoes?  Your pink coat or your black one?  I have to do this each step of the way.  I also have a built in reward of TV shows.  If she follows directions, she gets to watch TV, if not, then she can earn it back, but otherwise no TV (I find the less TV she watches the better she is to tell you the truth, so I am happy to take it away.)

I do complement her a good bit, but punishment seems to work better than rewards.  When I reward her with something other than praise, she seems to come to expect it and that leads to fits when we try to stop giving it.  Mrs. Duggar has a list of there rules somewhere on the net, maybe on her website that I find useful for 3 year olds.  A lot of it is modeling the behavior you expect.