My poor mom -- longish. Tell me I'm right!

MrsRon

We live in CA (Navy - moving back east in June), and my mom lives in SC.  It's always been assumed that she'd come when my first baby is born, and that's happening in roughly 5 weeks. 
DH gets 10 days off when the baby is born, so we talked it over and decided to ask my mom to come 2ish weeks after the baby's due date.  That way, we avoid her sitting around for a couple of weeks waiting for me to go into labor, only to have to go home right after he's born. 
Besides that, while I love my mom, we do not see eye-to-eye on everything, and I think I'd find it stressful having her around for a long time, especially while DH is off.  For example, DH and I watch things on TV that she'd find appalling (she doesn't watch anything with profanity AT ALL -- she's very conservative), and to have her here for the 10 days that DH is off would be a terrible idea.  I don't want to be getting over having a baby and feel like I'm the position of trying to keep everyone happy.  We'd really like to just have most of that time to adjust to the baby ourselves, and adjust to being a family, adjust to breastfeeding, etc.  We would really like to spend his time off just lazying around together, watching TV, etc.  Besides that, I'll be learning to breastfeed, the BFing video I watched said light and air are good for sore nipples, and I don't know how cool I am going topless around my mom.  Don't know how much she'd like it either, for that matter.
Anyway, Mom's being a good sport, but I KNOW she wants to be here when the baby's born.  She kind of said so tonight.  She phrased it in terms of wanting us (DH and I) to have someone to share the experience with, but I know that her mother heart wants to be here "for me."  How do I tell her that I don't really feel like I need her right away, and that she'd really just be in the way while DH is off (we're pretty self-sufficient, and he was single for several years before we got married, so he knows how to cook and stuff) without crushing her, and while still making her feel loved and needed?  I don't want to hurt her feelings, but I want to do what's best for our family.  If we had other kids, it might be a totally different story, but this is our first. 
Tell me if you think I'm right in having her come later (part of me knows I am, but my pregnant brain is all confused), and tell me how to talk to her about it gently.  Thanks!

Reagan1010

That's a tough situation!  I would tell my mom that I will need her help once DH goes back to work and that you would really appreciate it if she could come and stay with you then.  That way you are making it seem like she is really needed and you can spend your bonding time with DH alone!  GL!

miaomi

Maybe you could tell her that you are comfortable and confident about giving birth but that you are thinking you need her wisdom in the days to come after the baby is born...that you'd rather wait for a week or two to try and get settled and figure out what you are needing her help and advice with. 

It's a tough one for sure...Good Luck!

foreignroyalty

I think whatever you want = what's right, especially when it comes to preserving your relationship (and not having cross words about what you watch/being topless/etc).

I'd say you want to share the experience as a core family unit and that you are sharing the experience- as husband and wife. That you'll be stressed/sleepless/not at your best and that you'd rather get to a point where you have a handle on things and a routine so there aren't so many 'cooks in the kitchen' when you are trying what works and doesn't with bfing/new baby/etc....I"d also make it an issue of needing her when you need her and that you'd hate to waste a week or two where you may be overdue and she's having to go home without spending much time with new baby.

RadicalDreamer143

I had tried the nice approach in the EXACT same situation with my mother.  She didn't take kindly to nice.  Finally I said that unless she wants her husband and two boys to watch me topless around the house, she better refrain from showing up until I tell her to come.  She knows better than to call my bluff, lol

cateye

Just keep telling her that you would really appreciate the help after your SO goes back to work.  Say it as many times as you need.  This is something you need to do for you, not your mom and hopefully she will understand.  It really makes a big difference to have that time for some people.  We've asked my mom to wait for the same reasons (and this is LO#2 for us).  DH and I both agree she will make a stressful situation even more stressful. . .

lite-bright

Just from what you wrote here, if it comes up, I would tell her that you're really going to need her help when your DH goes back to work and you're looking forward to seeing her then. 

I wouldn't make a big deal about it or say much more than that, even if you think she feels bad. You said she's being a good sport -- if she is, then good for her and just let it be. 

Don't let yourself start feeling guilty over what you think she's thinking or feeling about the situation, when you already know that this is the best situation for your little family. And don't let her hints about what she'd like make you second-guess yourself.  

I didn't want any help right away either, and my mom came from out of state at four weeks after DD1's birth. It really did help to not have a houseguest -- even my mom -- while getting over the worst of the physical recovery, getting the hang of BFing, and adjusting to life with a newborn. 

 

 

 

Mrs.BoomBoom

I agree with PP.  Tell her you REALLY need her help and support after DH goes back to work!