Need opinions re: Memorial Service

AnneUCSB

So, DH's ex-step-brother died last weekend (he was 25 yrs old and has a troubled past of drug and alcohol abuse... he died of either an intentional or accidental prescription pill overdose).  DH needs to go to the reception tonight (it is not the funera- that'll be in a few weeksl, just a gathering at the home of his ex-step-dad) and really wants me to go with him and bring the kids.  We have no one to watch the boys and I really don't want to take them.  

My reasons for not wanting the kids to go are that Eric has already had to have TOO MUCH reality of death and grieving with the death of my brother, Curt, 2 years ago.  So, it's not that I am trying to hide the concept of death from them... they know all too well about it.  I don't want them to have to witness the grieving by my MIL (who raised the man who passed) or my DH (who knew him growing up) and have to explain it all to them.

So, DH is upset with me because he thinks it's no big deal to bring them and he wants me to be there with him.  MIL wants the kids to be there too (but I think more from a "show them off" standpoint then for anything else).  I am torn wanting to support DH but not wanting to expose the kids to the emotional environment.

THOUGHTS??? WWYD? 

xbrooklyngrl

If its going to be the kind of thing where people are talking and remembering but not crying in pretty much every room, I may consider it. Otherwise, absolutely not.

My best friends dad passed away in November and they had a memorial at the house, I had no one to watch B and I took her because I knew there'd be other kids and that it wasn't going to be overly sad. They wanted to celebrate him more than mourn, and they did.

eclaires

Well, I'm guessing you took your kids to stuff for your brother?  Since they understand/get it?

Anyway, my thought is this: what makes it okay for you to expose them to that but it's not the same when your husband feels they need to be a part of his family's grieving process?  As in, what's the difference?

I mean, I get that you're saying they've seen death before and you'd like to protect them from it, but at the same time, I really think it's incredibly unfair for you to tell your husband that he can't have his children w/ him at a memorial/gtg b/c you think they've already had to deal with death enough [via your family].

I would take them.

Goose51504

I am of the opinion that young children and memorial services/funerals do NOT mix. They've got their whole lives to experience that kind of grief. Why subject them to something like that, when they're often to young to really process what's happening?

So, I'm with you. Keep the kids home. If that means you don't attend, so be it.

xbrooklyngrl

Goose51504:

I am of the opinion that young children and memorial services/funerals do NOT mix. They've got their whole lives to experience that kind of grief. Why subject them to something like that, when they're often to young to really process what's happening?

So, I'm with you. Keep the kids home. If that means you don't attend, so be it.

BTW, I am 100% the same way.

In my case, it was one I would not miss and had absolutely no one and I knew it wasn't something she'd think was anything other than a party.

Goose51504

xbrooklyngrl:

Goose51504:

I am of the opinion that young children and memorial services/funerals do NOT mix. They've got their whole lives to experience that kind of grief. Why subject them to something like that, when they're often to young to really process what's happening?

So, I'm with you. Keep the kids home. If that means you don't attend, so be it.

BTW, I am 100% the same way.

In my case, it was one I would not miss and had absolutely no one and I knew it wasn't something she'd think was anything other than a party.

Oh, I totally get it, xbg - no worries. Sometimes, it's unavoidable. However, if she doesn't have to take them, I personally wouldn't.

However, Anne - now that I'm re-reading this post, I also see where eclaires is coming from. I still wouldn't take the boys, b/c that's just me, but I don't know why it was okay for the boys to witness the grief/be subjected to death when your brother died, but it's now not okay when your DH's dies.

It's kind of a double standard, kwim? I guess since you've set precedence with your brother's service, it's kind of hard to say no to your DH, in his time of need. Gah! What a debacle!

npeacock

I'm with XBG on this. If the purpose is to remember him and celebrate what they had with him, I don't see an issue with bringing the kids. I personally would try to find someone to watch them, if possible. If that was not an option, I would try to see if there was someplace where the kids could either play with other kids while there (therefore, getting away from some of the sadness/mourning) or a place where they can be kids and play or watch a movie or something.

If your DH wants them and you there, it's understandable. You and the kids are probably what will help him with his grieving process. GL with your decision.

MelandJeff

I really think that since exposed them to this for your brother, that it would be ok (especially on such a minor leve, this is a gathering, it is not a wake nor a funeral) Your DH needs your support.

Death happens, we can not shelter our kids from it, and while I do not think that a funeral is a place for children, something like this is appropriate.