How do I become a better mom?

newmom2londyn

I say this because lately I have been feeling soooo all over the place. DH and I have a 4 mo old daughter and we both work full time. We have no family or friends in the area so it is just us. This is our first child and we adore her to pieces. She is such an amazing baby and truly the love of our lives. Now here comes the "but"....... I feel like our busy life is affecting me in a way where I am constantly busy, tired, agitated and feeling like I can always be better as far as mothering my daughter and being a wife to my husband. This feeling is starting to consume me. I get up at 4:30am to get us out of the door for work and daycare by 6:30am. We all dont get home until 6:30pm at night so I am away from my baby 12 hours a day. By the time we get home, I have 2-3 hours with her max which totally sucks. I am just struggling so hard to strike a balance where I feel like I can be a better mom and wife without being so utterly exhausted and stressed all the time. I feel like I have no time for anything. Our evenings are spent preparing for the next day (washing/making bottles, cleaning pump, laying out clothes, packing diaper bag, giving DD a bath and getting her situated, pumping, etc...) so I feel like I cant spend any quality time with my family. I am always up doing something and can never catch a moment to just chill. Anyone else feel like this? I feel like I am missing out on so many special moments with DH and DD. I am constantly living my like by the clock and being so conscious of what time it is because I am always in a rush when we get home from work. I am also feeling very blue about the fact that I am now only making 1/3 of what DD eats in a day so we had to start supplementing with formula and she hates it. I have seen a LC, taken fenugreek, mothers milk tea,I pump my butt off but I can still only produce about 15 OZ a day. This is depressing and has made me feel very inadequate and guilty. I know this probably sounds silly, but seeing other nursing moms milk in the fridge in our mothers room at work makes me kinda jealous and ashamed of myself that they are pumping 10 oz in 15 min and I can barely pump 3 oz in 15 min........This just adds to my feelings of sadness. Long story short, I feel like all I do is work, work, work and pump all day long and have no time for anything else and feel like I am not being as good of a wife and mom as I could be. How can I strike a balance? I feel like I am missing out on the reward and a fulfilling life. I have all the tools (awesome hubby and amazing baby girl) to have a fulfilling life, but how do I make it all work??

soxfan

You say your baby is 4 months -- you are just coming off the "high" that is given to a mom to get through the first 3 months of adjustment, no sleep, etc.  This is completely normal.

You need to think of the postives - you have to.  Stop thinking about what you are missing and be grateful for what you have.

If you need to abbreviate your hours -- see if you can -- work 8 hours straight no lunch and see if you can leave earlier. 

4:30 ???  I have two kids -- I get up at 6 to leave at 7:00 --and have done this forever since having them.  Maybe I got up at 5:45 to pump when I was BF'ing -- but thats it.  What do you need to do in the AM ?  

Bottles -- can you bring a can of formula to DC so you don't have to make bottles.  Can you leave DC bottles to simply reuse?

Bathtime is quality family time. 

 Chilling time is gone.  Welcome to being a mom and a wife and a having a job.    Quiet time is pretty much just getting to go to the bathroom by yourself -- and even that goes away when they become 1.

Try to enjoy the change -- it's all different now.

ccm1203

Hugs, all I can say is it does get better.   Hang in there.

springfallwed

Sweetie; you have to breathe. Seriously, just take a good deep breath. You've only been at this for 4 months. The balance takes time; the feeling like you're life isn't constantly go go go, takes time or at least for me adjusting to the new feeling. When DD was 4 months, I hated life; I hated working; I hated everything but her and occasionally DH. It took me coming to the understanding that I need to make the best out of the couple of hours I do have with her that made the difference. I also had  a great friend who had her DD 12 days before me; and we emailed each other daily. I needed that support from another new mom. Try to reach out to the new moms you work with. We feel so much pressure to be wonder women and you see all those moms who act like they are. Trust me, for the most part, we all have something that's falling apart!

Good luck and breathe! You're doing great!

Bride2b2004

We all have feelings like this occasionally.  We were all perfect mothers... until we had kids.  Now we have to reconcile our visions of who we are as mothers to reality and it isn't easy.  BF is very tough, especially when you are away from your DD as much as you are.  Any breastmilk you give your DD is good for her.  You can't beat yourself up or compare yourself to others.  You just do the best you can every day.

4mo is SO new.  I do remember never having a moment to relax at all.  I still feel that way sometimese, but I know it is nothing like it use to be.  It does get better.  Ihave to say though, I have never really felt balanced (thought of course it is the goal).  I have just shifted around, first more focused on baby/family, then more focused on work, then I made a change to be a SAHM and now I more focused on baby/family... I think it just ebbs and flows.  You just have to prioritize and accept that you can't do everything or be perfect and some things will fall through the cracks and in the big picture, it isn't the end of the world.

Right now I would suggest that you try to simplify your life where you can.  Is there any way you can work less hours at work?   Spending more time with your DD may help you ease some of your bad feelings.  Also, I feel like the challenges of bf are really getting to you.  It really is suppose to be a good thing for you and LO, not add so much to your stress and anxiety.  How would it make you feel if you quit bf?  Would it be a relief?  Would it add to your bad feelings?  Personally, I was committed to bf as long as it worked for both of us.  I gave myself permission to quit as soon as it wasn't making us happy.  If I was in your situation, I would have probably celebrated how far we went with bf and then stopped to eliminate that source of stress.  

snickerdoodle27

First, you are a GREAT mom! Second, be PROUD of yourself for being able to pump for so long! Any amount you pump is great. Stop comparing yourself to other women. I have a 3 month old and my pumping days are over. I just wasn't making enough, and finding the time to do it is hard. I am not allowing myself to feel guilty. She's a perfectly happy, healthy baby and doing great.

When ds was about that age, dh and I didn't do anything until he went to bed. We just had such little time with him during the week, so we had to make the most of it. This includes making dinner, doing laundry, any housework. As they get older it becomes easier, b/c they stay up later and you have more time with them. Even if you just take a half hour when you get home to unwind and relax with dd it will  help you feel better. We cherish the weekends when we can truly spend a lot of quality time with both of our kids.

 

soontobemomma

I am all about BFing, still am my 8 month old, but I SAH.  BUT, if going to all formula gives you more quality time with your baby, maybe you should wean.  A happy mom is a good mom.  If you are spending an hour of your evening time pumping, cleaning pump, etc, is it worth it?  What if you did an organic formula?  

I can't imagine how stressed you are with your work hours, don't know how to help you there other than seeing if you can drop down hours, or find another job that is closer.  If you are dropping her at 630 do you have a long commute?  

Does your DH have a different work schedule?  Could he drop your DD off later or pick up earlier?  

 

Grantand

I could have written this post when my son was born. And then again when the second was born, except more desperate. And that's not to minimize your pain - it's only by way of saying: sounds completely normal and it WILL get better. She won't nurse forever, you'll get into a groove, your perspective will change some. And did I mention it will get better? Doesn't make it any easier in the meantime, but you are not alone. Sorry you're feeling this way. My mantra during this time was, "You're going to miss this." And now that my kids are 2 and 4, I do. As hard and draining as it was, I miss those cuddly newborns. Sounds like you're doing a great job. Don't be so hard on yourself!

s_angel

I know it is so hard to see the forest through the trees but it will get better. We have close to the same schedule as you and those first few months back to work (while pumping) were brutal. See, THIS is why in Canada new moms get 1 yrs mat leave not a stinking 3 months (but that's another conversation). DD's are now 14mos and 3.4 and it is much easier. I still wish I was home with them more but that is not an option for us right now. Good luck and hang in there!