Dealing with IL's not into adopting
My H and I hope to start the adoption process the end of this year. We have not and probably will not TTC. We are hoping to adopt through our state agency. I work for the state as a social worker, and met with an adoption SW for general info/Q&A.
We hav ementioned this to some family members/friends. My family is very supportive of this. DH's family has made some negative comments, ranging from "Don't you want one of your own?" to "What if they don't look like you" to "My friend had a failed adoption, they had to give the kid back, etc." They also seem opposed to us adopting a child of a different background, but would not cme out and say so. How did people handle negative comments like this? Some people say once and if you adopt a child, their feelings will change. I hope this is so.
Re: Dealing with IL's not into adopting
Actually, this is exactly why we haven't shared our adoption process with my parents yet. While we expect them to be excited, we're concerned of this exact reaction.
How have others dealt with this?
I guess we were lucky - we didn't really get any pushback from our families. But, if we had, I probably would have just dealt with it head on. Explained that this was our choice and we are moving forward. It's not for my family to "like" or "agree" with. And if they don't, they would have to understand that any negativity toward us or our kids on the subject would mean a reduced level of contact.
That probably sounds a little harsh - but that's my personality. Probably why I didn't get a lot of negative feedback on the subject.
That being said, we did have VERY frank discussions with all our parents about us having a child of a different race. Our parents are from a different generation, and may have had some less-than-progressive ideas about interracial adoption. We told them point blank that we expected our child to be welcomed with open arms as any biological child would be, and that racially-biased comments and attitudes would simply be unacceptable around us.
Overall, our folks were very understanding. They understood that adopted children are OUR children, just like a bio kid would be. Personally, I think once that baby's in their arms, they won't really think about the adoption piece of the equation.
Well, it doesn't matter what you end up doing, people have opinons that they will share...I got that for not considering adoption quick enough...and then again for considering it to quickly
personally I've found sharing reasons/discussing with them actually just serves to feed into the idea that you want their opinion and that they have some input into it. Which means, in my experience, saying "WE've thought about that; we're comfortable with the choices we're making" repeated verbatim 3 times in a row tends to end it :-)
I'm not adopting but I was browsing through posts and saw yours...
I'm actually adopted and I love it! It's so cool to have such a unique family. It was an open adoption so I've been in touch with my birth mother and family my whole life. I finally met her when I was 16 and we have seen each other almost every year since. We talk all the time. Her and her husband (who is just like another dad to me) entered and sat with the parents at my wedding. Her sister and other daughter, sang at my wedding. Apparently, music runs in our family....which is also awesome because I feel that's something that's unique about me in my adopted family. I have no negative feelings towards my birth parents and I love my adopted family. I really honestly wouldn't have it any other way.
The different background thing is a lot of fun...again it's something that's mine in my family. I'm part Bolivian so we've incorporated so much of that throughout my life. When I met my birth family for the first time, they threw me a Quinceanera (even though I was 16). For my graduation, my birth mom came and bough me a pinata because I'd never had one lol! For my wedding my aunt and uncle did a Bolivian wedding dance at the reception. It was so cool!
Oh and about the "what if they don't look like you" ...kids tend to pick up mannerisms, expressions, etc. So many people have told my mom and I that they can totally tell we are related!! Same with my bro (who is also adopted) and some of my cousins. Even one of my teachers in high school said to my mom at a PT conference, "You must be Danielle's mom! She looks just like you!"
I know that my birth parents couldn't have taken care of me when I was born and I'm greatful that they adopted me to such a wonderful family. I'm truely blessed.
I like this response. And Danielle - thanks for your input. I am glad you have such a positive story about adoption, and have strong relationships with both sets of parents.
Yeah....my grandparents are not happy we are adopting. I'm taking sort of a different approach. I understand that adoption is a cultural taboo for them. It's not right in today's society to think about it like that, nor is it any of their business, but they're still my grandparents and I love them and I'm not ready to cut them out of my life yet.
So, when my grandfather asked me for the 500th time if I was pregnant I finally said, "No, but we are going to be adopting a baby within the next year or two." and they were silent. My grandmother told me that we are too young, and that adoption is for old people, and "it's not nice". So rather than freaking out on them (like I wanted to) I explained that we wanted children and this was the only way to have children and that we were happy. I know that wasn't the last time we'd be discussing it. I know for them it won't be a reality until we actually get a baby. If then, when they are with our child, they are still unaccepting, then they will not have very much contact with us anymore. But for now I am trying to be understanding of their generation and culture and ease them into it.
So my advice is that just because you came to this decision and are great with it, doesn't mean you family is going to be 100% comfortable with it, for whatever reason. Just as many of us had to come to terms with not having biological children before starting the adoption journey, our famlilies have to go through that "mourning" period, too. So I'd cut them some slack. If it continues, then I'd be very firm in saying "accept our family or get out". I hope this makes sense.
We also did not TTC before adopting and we have not told anyone that - besides my best friend. When we told MIL that we were adopting, we got the "Oh. I see." comment. When her daughter had her 3 kids, she was so happy - screaming - jumping around, etc when she found out her daughter was pregnant. We got, literally, nothing. DH was so upset and pretty much let that be known to his mom. The next day, she called and apologized and things have been fine since. I think she got the wake-up call that it doesn't matter if the child is biological or adopted and also how much her comment hurt.
However, this made us VERY reluctant to tell others. We have only told a few close friends and a few family members.
My younger siblings are adopted, as are several of my cousins, so I'm pretty sure that my relatives will be OK with the idea. DH's family, on the other hand... we're a bit nervous about them, because they don't really have much experience with adoption.
One thing to keep in mind is that if you haven't been talking about adoption before to your family, they might be kind of surprised and need some time to get used to the idea. After all, you've probably been thinking for a while about whether adoption is right for your family before you decided, but they haven't been thinking about it. They might not know much about adoption or know many people who have been adopted, and might need some time to wrap their heads around the idea. So in some cases, I think a little time and space (with follow-up conversations) may improve things. (In other cases, of course, it might not.)
I think that GBCK said it best -- everyone will have opinions, positive or negative, and the best way to deal with it is to just make it clear that you have decided that this is the way for you to build your family.
Exactly. When we first told our families, there was general shock and silence. And then when they learned that the child will likely be another race, they had a lot of doubts and "advice" about that. And then they figured we weren't serious. (They'll have known about our plans for a year and a half before we even start the home study). But over the months we keep bringing it up, and they have lots and lots of questions that we're happy to answer. I'm happy to report that the longer they've known about it, the better their response is getting. There are so many myths about adoption, and it takes time to dispel those.
One person in my family is NOT okay with the idea, and will not change her language about other races. Luckily we only see her about once a year, but she will not be allowed around this child. I don't let my white children interact with her, so it won't be any change for us. Hateful is hateful and won't be allowed around any of my kids.
In terms of not "looking like you", to directly quote my sister (who adopted from China), "it all comes down to hair and wardrobe"
Stick a squirmy baby in their arms and they will completely forget how it ended up there, I promise you! Good luck!
After our 2nd loss we were talking about adoption more (H was freaked because of the ectopic and surgery) and I remember talking to my dad who said if we adopted a AA or bi-racial child that it wouldn't be his grandchild. The funny thing is my mother's dad would have nothing to do with my dad and limited his contact to my brother & I (and we are his biological GC) because my dad is 50% Japanese and we are 25% because of his feelings of being in the war and towards Japanese people and my dad never understood that because he would say things like "I didn't fight in that war". Needless to say both mine and h's response was we don't care what you think, this is about us and our family. I don't talk to my dad (not because of this) but I will not deliberately have my children around that kind of thinking or behavior.