Not really BF related but sortof

sweetie0228

Okay, I'm not sure if everyone here knows my backstory, I'll give you enough to help me out w/ this and really Im just looking for I'm right he's wrong I want puppies and rainbows.

My SO and I have been together for the last 7 years.  He helps me raise my children from my first marriage.  We have finally decided to actually get married this year.  And for the most part we agree on a lot of it.  I think conceptually we have the same vision but he thinks it will cost significantly less than it does.

I'm trying to plan a wedding for this July and it's my second wedding and his first. We want small and intimate and under $5000.  Which so far has been completely doable.  I have the guest list of absolute must invite and it comesout to 64 people.  He's kvetching that I have 31 family members and he only has 18. 

I'm sorry I can't help that I have more uncles and aunts than you.  I can't go back in time and make your grandparents get it on more.  I can't help that I have more siblings than you.  I can't invite people that don't exist so you have and "even" amount of people.

It's fair but it's not equal.  We both have parents, my grandmother (only one on this generational tier that's alive) siblings/spouses, aunts/uncles. I cut out all cousins on both sides. I have included extremely close friends that have always been supportive to us and that comes out to about 18.  He's not quibbling about the friends.  He's trying to firgure out who on my side to cut out so it's equal.

Grrrr.  He's just not getting it that it can't happen that way.  He has no wiggle room. He also wants to cut out a DJ that I have gotten a quote for in favor of running an ipod playlist for 5 hours.  When I mentioned about hmmm I dont' know speakers he said that he "thinks" one of his friends has professional speakers.  He hasn't spoken to this friend in about a year and is planning on asking him to be in the wedding party. I "causally" mention that if he's in the party he can't run the system.

He then goes on to say that I'm the one trying to spend all of the money and that I'm making this bigger than what we wanted it to be.  Yet, he's the one that wants a wedding, I just wanted to get married and send out announcements or have a backyard bbq.

I know that didn't mention some of this calmly, and I know throwing my hands in the air and saying you deal w/ it then and if there is no music or we all taking turns w/ the ear buds isn't really productive.  But really am I being completely irrational?

He just emailed me and said that he "worked" on the guest list and has made it fair and will go over it when we get home from work.  I really don't know what that means yet, but if he's taken my parents off the list again....ohh hells to pay.

DREWLILY

That sounds annoying. Who cares how many people are there for which one of you. Isn't is more important that you are surrounded by family and friends that you love when you share vows with your SO? He needs to chill out and stop trying to cut people off the list. If he was doing it to save money, that would be one thing, but doing it because you have more relatives than he does, oh please.

If you really wanted to do a backyard bbq type deal and he is now saying this is getting too big, then maybe it's time to suggest cancelling all the big stuff and just doing something low key.

karatechrissy

sweetie0228:

I really don't know what that means yet, but if he's taken my parents off the list again....ohh hells to pay.

Sorry, this part made me LOL.

Moving on, guest lists are never an easy thing. If he wants the wedding, these are the people that you 'must have' at your wedding. If he doesn't agree, than I'd be like, 'ok than lets go down to justice of the peace and we'll have a bbq!' He's seeming to make this really difficult. Do you think he is trying to back peddal at all? I dont know your story, so please forgive me if I"m way off base, but what keeps going through my head is that maybe he's rethinking the 'marrige' thing and making it difficult so you just say 'whatever' and peace out. He's acting kind of childish about this guest list thing. Maybe he just genuinely is upset he won't have as many people thre for 'him' as you have there for 'you'. idk.

J&A2008

How old is he?

He wants the guest list to be "fair"? 

FloF9

Ugh - men!  You guys finally decided to get hitched and he expects this type of thing to be "equal".  He sounds like the guy in the movie "Joy Luck Club" who was married to the gal but wanted EVERYTHING to be cut equally down the middle.  Ridiculous!

There is no point arguing about one of the best/important days of your life.  That being said as it's your 2nd wedding - I would tell him that you want to go down to the court house get hitched, and have a backyard party for everyone instead. 

This way you're taking in control of this crazy argument and keeping the peace.  A fight about the reception is not a good way to start a marriage.

Erin0922

We had a small intimate ceremony as well, and DH did not invite ONE SINGLE PERSON. Not a family member, or a friend.?

His choice but still. Why do weddings have to be "fair?"

Sounds to me like you need to have a come-to-jesus talk with your SO.

And if he really cuts your PARENTS off the list.... well, all I'm gonna say on that one is : "uh-oh!"?

hterry85

We were in a similar situation, I have a huge family and DH does not. That's no one's fault. As a result there were a lot more guests on "my side" than his. But I'm with you, who cares? (And luckily DH didn't either) Maybe try pointing out to him that you're getting MARRIED. You family will also be his family, and the other way around!

sweetie0228

In all reality, it's more of a major annoyance.  I feel like a total Beebee Bride about the whole thing.  Is this going to ruin us? no. Is it something we'll laugh about later when discussing the planning process? more than likely, I know I will.

It's a ridiculous arguement.  But it's frustrating as all hell right now.  I can't pick and choose out of the tiers of family who will be invited and who won't and I think he's gonna figure it out.  And that really, I'm 90% sure 10-15 won't come b/c they aren't going to travel for my wedding but it saves family rifts if I invite them, kwim?

He's 35 and I'm 33 you'd think we'd know better.

 Oh I fully admit my parents are crazy.  But, i'm used to them.  He and my parents don't get along b/c of past misunderstandings and b/c my parents are certifible they won't let go of the grugde but are all pretty pretty princess party when it comes to the wedding.  They don't like that we've been living together for the last 4-5 years. (ultra christian views)

Karma1969

He's acting pretty childish.  Just somethig to consider before you actually get married.

Kyah

Wedding planning makes people go crazy. True story!

Sorry to hear he's being a dingus about the guest list. That makes no sense to me at all....when DH and I got married we did the same thing you want to do...small, intimate and affordable. He has a much bigger family than I do so I was in his place. I didn't care...although we did joke about the unevenness.

CurlyQ284

Is there ANY room to bump his guest side up so he can invite more friends and the number is even? My DH has a ginormous family but I have lots of friends that I didn't want to cut out just cause they're not bound by DNA.  We set a number and we each had to cut it down to that number.

Mrs.McLovin

Intead of him cutting on your family guest list, ask him which 13 family members from his side he would like to invite.

J+R

We had over 200 people... Almost 3/4 were my side.  I have an extremely large family, my DH has a tiny one.  As long as he invites who he wants (and dont just start adding people to make it "equal") there shouldnt really be discussion...

Unless he is an 18 year old boy trying to plan a wedding - I say grow the fuckk up and deal with it. Seriously. LOL.

Phantomgirl

Fi and I are are aiming for much the same as you.  We are having a destination wedding and inviting about 70 people.  About 50 of them are his family and friends.  We didn't invite any of our aunts, uncles or cousins.

$5000 - wow let me know if you pull that off.  I have a budget of $20,000 for mine but that includes wedding attire, flights and accomodation.  I am getting married in July also, what date are you thinking?

 

sweetie0228

Well, I figured out what he meant...and ummm he was right.  He cut out the "and guest portion" of the invite for 2 of my siblings who aren't seeing anyone in particular, and one of my bachelor uncles and some of our single friends.  He also cut out children of friends.  (we'll probably include them back on a case by case basis and amount of regrets)

So in all he cut about 14 people and some were imaginary so we are down to about 50 people being invited.

I'm thinking July 31st.  Partly in honor of my grandparents it was their wedding anniversary too.  Also b/c Bastille day is on a Wednesday and while Wednesday is the luckiest day of the week to actually get married on no one would come.  (since bastille day isn't celebrated in the US but I thought it would be cool to have a "french revolution" themed wedding)

It's now a Indian-American fusion wedding.  Neither of us are Indian but I like Bollywood movies A LOT.  So it's Hot Pink, Orange, Blue and Yellow.  And bridesmaids and I are getting our Mendhi done (henna tattoos on the hands)

Phantomgirl

Thats sounds amazing, I love themed weddings.  I'm getting married on 25th of July, it's a Sunday.  Did you pick your dress yet?  I have not ordered mine but i'm not stressing just yet.  There will be aout 15 kids at my wedding ranging from new born to 12. How exciting!

paris.inthe.spring

I highly reccomend the ipod playlist. It is worth it to cut the dj for that, especially if you can get professional speakers. Your friend with the pro speakers does not have to "man" the station. Just set them up and let it play! He could totally be in the wedding with out a problem. I have actually seen this happen on many occasions ( a friends husband is a dj and a minister) and worked out perfect. He did her sisters wedding-was the officiant and the dj-and it was great! So, it would be no sweat to set up the ipod and let it play!

Sounds like a fun wedding!