I am totally perseverating anout this- grrrr. Family dramz

Jamaica_Bride

So, some of you know the back story with my sister- we have been back in contact for just about a year and a half after 17 years. It's good, really good.

My niece's *family* birthday party is on Saturday. We have been invited. The rub is that my Dad's side of the family is going to be there- and it's been about 18 years since I have seen them (and this was their choice to not see me). My maternal grandmother had never met her great grandsons and my aunts and uncles/ cousins have never met the boys either.

I want to go but I don't want them to get the chance to see/meet my babies after being douches to me my whole life.

I have taken Monday off to go to Mya's kids party with the boys- but I don't want her to grow up resenting me b/c I wasn't there during her family parties.

Gah, am I making more of this than need be?

 

 

kittycarr

I'd feel exactly like you do.  If you are that uncomfortable, then do not go.  If Mya is going to resent you for it, then that's her loss.  There are always other times you all can get together.

amanda&rob

I think you need to go.  I think it would mean a lot to your niece and your sister.  I think you need to grin and bear his family.  And you never know, they could feel SUPER GUILTY about cutting you out of their lives.  They could be just as nervous as you.  Maybe they think this is their chance to reconnect.

(Keep in mind I have no idea on back story so for all I know they could all be assholes.) 

Jamaica_Bride

amanda&rob:

I think you need to go.  I think it would mean a lot to your niece and your sister.  I think you need to grin and bear his family.  And you never know, they could feel SUPER GUILTY about cutting you out of their lives.  They could be just as nervous as you.  Maybe they think this is their chance to reconnect.

(Keep in mind I have no idea on back story so for all I know they could all be assholes.) 

Money, honey.

Oh and love love love that you said *** at not even 8:30 in the morning!

Kapalua

It could totally be what Amanda said.  My gut says life is too short to hold grudges and family is family.  But, that said, I don't know the extent of the situation.  What does your sister think?  Is she pushing for you to go?

femmegem

I would go, but I have to admit that I can't relate. I have no such family drama so it's hard for me to put myself in your place.

I bugged and bugged DH to get back in touch with his family (he and his sister had a major falling out while I was pregnant with DS and he and his parents don't get along all that well, either). We went out to visit them earlier this month. And now he's even more determined not to see them any more, which I kind of get and kind of don't.

Anyway, I'm sorry you're even having to think about this. I don't understand people who cut their kids and grandkids out of their lives like that. (((hugs)))

mattslady

My first instinct is - What in the world happened that you lost contact with your entire extended family!?

And not knowing the answer to that first question, my second instinct is - Suck it up and go.  It might be the game changer that everyone needs.

CBKMRB

Tough call. 

If you don't feel comfortable going, I wouldn't go.  Like Kitty said, there could be other opportunities to get together.

If you do decide to go remember this, you are a strong, successfull wife and mother and a kickass person and THEY have been the ones missing out on you and your family.  So go there, strut your stuff and don't let them get to you (or at least don't let them know). 

Jamaica_Bride

My issue is is that I want to control who is in my boys life while I can. I want to make sure they are value added, kwim? I want to prtect them while I can and it's in my power.

I loathe my Dad's family for what they did. I have zero respect for that. (I know I have not given the back story- it's long and makes me cry). They didn't physically hurt me/ abuse me but they did a SHITTON of emotion damage and that is something I will never ever forget.

As far as my sis goes- she is SO not pressuring me into this. She is great about letting me keep this an open option. She said wait and see how I feel Saturday morning and show up if I want.

CBKMRB

If you think that them being in your sons life will have a negative affect then no I would definitley not go.

I can't stand a particular person in DH's family for a whole boatload of reasons but I know in short spurts that they would not do damage to my kids but I would not want them spending long periods of time with this person.

Mrs.Tony

Well, it sounds like they did some damage there and I can see why you would not want to go.  I experienced something similar with my dad's family  mainly when my parents got divorced. We didn't see or talk to them for years and then finally I decided that I wanted them in my life and despite all the "crap" that happened over the years I was ready to put it behind me.  It's not always easy but I manage. I just find that I feel better having these relationships than not.

That being said, sometimes damage is irreparable and you can't go back. I get that and respect what you wrote about your boys.

knmommy

Could you possibly leave your boys at home with your H and go by yourself?  That way you could be there for your sister and niece, buy not have the boys exposed to that.  I would say go with your gut.  Good luck.

hopefulmom

When my oldest DD hosted her first holiday (Thanksgiving) she invited everyone.  My BIL has had NO contact with his youngest DD since she got married to an African American.  Yep - he's one of THOSE!  Anyway, she moved several states away.  It just happened that she was up visiting her sister with the kids.  Everyone came.  She knew my BIL was going to be there but he didn't think for a moment she would be there since she lived so far away.  LOL  He did say hello to her (and that was it) but completely ignored the kids...but at least he got to see his grandson's!!  Now...BIL always asks if she will be at family gatherings.  We would never lie to him if we knew for a fact his DD will be there...but we don't volunteer information either.

How do you know that these relatives will be there?  Did you ask?  Did your sister volunteer the info?  I think it is better not to find out myself...then you go not knowing what to expect.  BTW...if they know you are invited and plan to come...maybe they WON'T.  :-)