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Adoption
TTC & Adoption.. your take?
Hey ladies.. just wondering what you all think about continuing to TTC and adoption?
I'll confess we are continuing to TTC, right now naturally, but we may possibly get back into FT's (we need IUI because of the stenosis).. not really sure if/when the FT's will happen. I think that we are continuing (even though we have NEVER prevented pregnancy in our almost 7 yr marriage) because we just aren't ready to completely give up... but still really want a family NOW!
Because our DIA agency is completely against TTC'ing.. we are now going the Foster/Adopt route. I've mentioned a few times before that my parents are foster parents, so we are familiar with the process and know how helpful it can be to families and kids. Plus we have a wonderful home that really needs to be shared with children.
Anyway, just thought I'd see where you all stand on the topic.
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Re: TTC & Adoption.. your take?
I think it's totally o.k. to do both. I would not have wanted to work w/ an agency who did not allow us to pursure both simulatenously. With our agency, we could put our application on hold at any time and they would not allow a pregnancy and placement at the same time (I think they had a 12-18 month window). I think this gave us just enough flexibility...
We are looking at using an adoption attorney because they will allow you to TTC while persuing adoption.
All of the agencies we talked to would not allow us to TTC.
However, I have heard informally that Morning Star in Royal Oak will let you do both. I do NOT know that for a fact, though, so you need to check wtih them.
Hmmm - when I googled for them, the website that comes up is in Southfield. I wonder if that is the same agency. I thought they were in Royal Oak. I would suggest contacting them and see what their policy is.
https://www.morningstaradoption.org/index.html
Looking at website further, they have info meeting this Thurs, Jan 28, and that is in Royal Oak. Maybe that is where I am getting Royal Oak from in my head. Looks like they only do quarterly info sessions, so if you're interested, I'd call today and sign up for Thursday night.
Hi. We have been doing fertility treatments for almost 3 years and have had several losses along the way. It is such a personal/individual choice and you just have to go where your heart leads you. We decided to look into adopting in December, but that we would still do a max of two more treatment cycles. This was for a few reasons. 1, we are going to have some FSA money we need to get rid of that we had budget for treatments, 2) I just had surgery to remove some scar tissue/polyps in my uterus, so we want to give it another go. This is also one of the reasons we are going with an adoption attorney. Our next treatment cycle will begin towards the end of February, so we will see how it goes. We may be done after that. I dont know. Honestly, the more we get into the adoption process, the more excited I become, and the less hooked up I am about our treatment cycles. We've had 5 losses, and it so so hard to have hope that our luck will change. I feel my heart has almost completely moved on from the infertility treatments. It's pretty close. I just don't want to hurt, or wait, anymore.
I just want to be a mom. And although there are days/moments (many) where I get pained to think about never having a big tummy, or feelings kicks, etc. But I am just so tired of the hurt and the waiting. And God has really worked his way on my heart. I am very excited about our adoption journey. I just got a confirmation that our profile books have been shipped, and I can't wait to receive them.
But at this point, I did not like hearing that agencies did not want us to continue treatments. Something to think about though: you know how stressful/time consuming/emotionally draining treatments are. Adoption has those same traits, just different. It could be very hard to do both.
Good luck to you.
curious.... what is an FT?
I know what an IUI is, but am not familiar with FT abbreviation.
I Fertility treatments
My agency will not place a child into a home that has had a new addition (be it a child or adult) within one year. Their rationale is that they want to make sure the family has adjusted to life with the new family member and decided that they can handle more.
Given their reasoning, it's hard for me to have issue with their policy. I understand that sometimes families grow quickly and unexpectedly and do quite well, but from the agency's standpoint, they need to be able to be certain of a positive outcome.
@Jewele803 - I think that's wonderful you're pursuing both. I hope it all works out either way!
@KarlsSweetie05 - I'll have to look into that agency. We were going to use Adoption Assoications in Southfield, but I don't think Royal Oak is all that far from us (we are pretty close to Ann Arbor, but are in Wayne County). Right now we have our orientation for Foster Care through the Spaulding Group on Thursday night, but we could look into Morning Star's next meeting.
@AuburnBride06 - I get that either way it will be stressful, but I think that I feel more positive about the foster care than I do about the TTC stuff (maybe because after 3 yrs of actively trying and failed IUI's and IVF.. its easier to be positive about something different!) I don't anticipate it be easy by any means.. but life isn't easy, is it. Good Luck with your FT's.. its nice to have someone in the same place.
@orange1414 - Good Luck with your TTC process!!
I think it's different for everyone.
After the fertility treatments we'd been through, and the drs we'd dealt with, closing the book on treatments and focusing on adoption was a good choice for us. Does that mean I won't let DH ever touch me again?
Nope. We recently discussed what would happen if I got pregnant and had the adoption put on hold (our DA agency doesn't want us to do both). DH was fine with jumping back into the adoption process when our hypothetical biological child was a little older.
There are DA agencies that are OK with both, and I've seen at least a couple of people on this board who adopted and got pregnant around the same time, both with and without fertility treatments.
So I don't really have a stance. For us, if I get pregnant, great, but I'm not doing anything special to have a biological child.
Our agency has this same policy and the country we are adopting from also requires you to inactivate your application until your baby is a year and then reapply go to the bottom of the list.
However, for me I couldn't do both regardless of the policies of the agency. I just need to be only adopting to be fully emotionally vested in the process and not feel like adoption is a backup plan. But I think it's a really personal decision that everyone should make for themselves.
I think's it a personal decision, and I will only work with an agency that will allow it. I understand if I miss a placement because I have a newborn, but my 'pregnancies' will not be viewed by me as real until I have a baby in my arms. So while we're starting the adoption process which we have been forwarned will take 18-24 months on average, I'm not going to be forced to be on BCP.
I will not be doing IVF though, as a personal choice I will not put myself through that drama right now. We'll see what happens naturally, but I will not up for the costs and emotional drama of IVF and adoption together.
Being able to continue TTC was one of our first criteria when choosing an agency. While I understand why some agencies feel it is best that you have grieved your IF, I feel that it is a VERY personal decision and do not like the idea of an agency telling me that I'm not allowed to continue TTC. DH & I have always talked about adopting. Originally we thought that we would have a biological child or two, and then adopt. Then IF became a part of our lives... It is far more important to us to be parents than it is to be pregnant, so we've decided to move forward with adoption now. We've never seen adoption as a consolation or second best or any of the things that I've heard agencies say to explain their reasoning for not allowing TTC. We actually find those views rather frustrating and we find ourselves explaining that fact often to family members that tell us we'll get pregnant once we adopt. Eventually we would love to have a family that included both adopted and biological kids, but only time will tell.
Good luck on your journey!
Thanks ladies.. I appreciate everyone's input. I sometimes feel like I am being selfish for wanting to continue the TTC path and pursue adoption. But I am only 31 (will be 32 in May) and want a family before I am 35.. not many years left on that clock.
It so nice to be in an environment where I can comfortable to confess my little secrets!
LOL!! I, honestly, don't think that TTC'ing will work for us.. but know that my hubbie needs to continue the process (he hasn't really given up on it.. or maybe he just likes the fact that we have sex alot while TTC'ing... hmmm did I just figure out the fact that he is using TTC a method to get sex?)
Maddie - We are using Adoption Associates. I have the handbook in front of me. As far as pregnancy/domestic adoption goes it states,"With the best interest of the family in mind, prospective adoptive couples who become pregnant during their adoption process will stop their adoption process at that time. Services for any portion of a home study/update, agency services, or post adoption supervision terminated prior to completion will be billed on a prorated basis. Payments for services not yet performed will be refunded, excepting the non-refundable fees. The timing of when the couple can pursue one of AAI's adoption programs should be discussed with the administration, always taking into considerations AAI's Child Spacing policy; the clinical advisability of proceeding with adoption placement plans; the ages of the children involved; and the family's wishes."
There is another section for international adoption if you need that info as well.
I just talked to DH. We're both pretty sure that we were told that AAI did not allow you to continue fertility treatments once you decided to adopt. We weren't able to continue them anyway so it didn't really matter. We were at the point where we had been through 7 procedures (IUI/IVF) that hadn't worked. We were done ttc.
If you would like to "talk" about the agency at all you can email me -- stevewendyadopt@comcast.net.
Wendy, thanks.. We had a meeting with AA and new that they wouldn't allow us to TTC or do the FT's that is why we are doing the Foster/Adopt now (orientation is Thursday) thru the Spaulding Group.
We also did 7 FT's (IUI,IVF/FET) but my DH still wants to continue. I know that their spacing policy was like 9 months. So basically if we got matched and found out we were preggo.. we'd have to walk away from the match.. I don't think that is completely fair because of the high percentage of M/Cs in the 1st trimester, but that is just my opinion.
Thanks again for the info... I'll probably take you up on your offer to "talk".
No problem, Maggie. We're in the post placement process right now, so I could at least answer questions about the beginning part of the process if you had any.
That's interesting that you did 7 procedures, too. Yes, I think you're right about the spacing policy being 9 months. I have mixed feelings about their policy as well. I understand what you're saying.
I haven't heard of the Spaulding Group. You'll have to let us know how the orientation goes. Lots of luck!