Need honest advice. Too rigid?

BigIsland07

Kinda long. Sorry.

My MIL is in town from HI (yes, she lives there) and there's a family gathering tonight at 4 p.m., with dinner at 5 p.m. and it's an hour drive to get there. By the time we would leave, it'd be at least 6 p.m. -- DS goes down at 6:30 and gets horribly cranky/up throughout the night if we miss bedtime. MIL is angry that we won't go to the gathering and thinks we're being too rigid.

 Also, this is the first weekend we're working to consolidate DS's naps -- one at 9 a.m. and one at 1 p.m. Pedi said it's imp. he be in his crib so he understands it's a structured nap, and that we work on it on the weekends since they can't do it with the same discipline at daycare (involves some crying), and that the longer we put it off, the longer it will take for him to get it. MIL wants us to come to her for lunch at noon, 45 min. away. Um, hello? 1 p.m. naptime.

 MIL and DH got into it last night and she said it was, "sad for him that we're so rigid and won't let the kid live a little." Um...we're trying to teach him something a) to consolidate naps, b) to give him a little nap structure. I'm pretty sure we're the ones with the kid -- shouldn't you be the one being a little more accommodating? You're a single person who can hop from location to location without a schedule?

 

Ok, vent over. But also, are we being too rigid?

TexasLadyBug

Personally I would go, its just one night and your MIL lives in HI its not like you are doing this every weekend. 

Setting a routine is important, but there are going to be times when you are not hope for the nap time and that you will be out later then you had hoped and you miss bed time. Last night we did not get home until 10pm and DS always goes to bed at 8pm. We do not do that often like maybe once every few months. Anyways, DS went to bed fine, and STTN,  

eprofitta

I don't think you're being too rigid, but with family in town, are you sure THIS is the best weekend for nap changes? If my in-laws were here, I would delay the nap changes a weekend so DS could see his grandparents. In the scheme of things, one week in a baby's life isn't going to be that big of a deal.

I also think your MIL is not being accommodating to you considering your baby. 

I think you should take your son to his family gathering, even if it means he's cranky. Let everyone meet him/play with him. I was worried about Christmas gatherings with my son, but it turned out that he loved meeting all the new people, stayed up three hours past his bedtime, and then crashed in the car. He really wasn't cranky at all -- he was crankiest when I took him away from the action to nurse, actually.

So I don't think you're being too rigid, but at the same time, I think you're letting the baby's schedule dominate your decisions too much. I don't fault you for that; a screaming and cranky baby is no fun.  And it's hard to tell how a LO will react to late nights.

**Gretchen**

I'd go. Structure is important but so is flexibility. Start when MIL leaves. Is the week really going to make a huge difference?

BigIsland07

But he doesn't STTN if we don't get him in bed at the right time. He'll fall asleep in the car seat and wake up at 3 a.m. And be up.

Plus, we're trying to teach him to consolidate his naps. If we mess with it on day 2, and consistently make excuses, how will he learn?

BigIsland07

Oh, and MIL will be staying with us Thursday - Tuesday, so she'll get to see him tons then.

lwrigley2000

No, I don't think you're being too rigid, but at this age I think making sure they get their sleep is more important than any social gathering I might be invited to.

But, with that said, since your MIL is in from out of state, I would maybe pick one of the two things today to do. And, since you've started with the nap consolidation, I would try and go to dinner tonight. Put your DS in his pj's before you go and give him last bottle while you're there. Most likely he'll fall asleep on the ride home and you can transfer him to his crib when you get home.

Is just your DH going to see his mom and family an option while you stay home with your DS?

b.heather

I do not think you are being too rigid. Would you make him wait to eat to accommodate a family event? Probably not. Well, good sleep is just as important, IMO, especially at this age. Obviously he does not react well to missing his bedtime - it probably raises is cortisol levels to such a point that he can't STTN and does not rest well after. I've caught some flack from my extended family for putting DD's needs first, but to me sometimes being a mom means making the hard call. It sounds like you've carefully considered your options here and you know what is best for your LO. Good luck!

vab1216

I don't think you are being too rigid. I think routines are important. However, I feel like this is a special circumstance and IMO why not put it off one more weekend? She is in town and I am sure wants to spend time with her grandbaby. Do I think she was out of line for saying that? YES.. but I do think you should try to either make lunch or dinner. You pick what would work best.

BigIsland07

lwrigley2000:

Is just your DH going to see his mom and family an option while you stay home with your DS?

I wish! I tried this too, but it's the baby she''s most interested in. She'll be staying with us from Thurs. - Tues., and we're taking him out of daycare Thurs., Fri. and Mon. so she can watch him and see him all day. It just seems pointless to go tonight -- to drive 2 - 2.5 hours so they can see him for 1.5 - 2 hours.  Ugh. Maybe DH and I just selfish for not wanting to deal with him up several times tonight?

idoinjuly

You should go!  You might pay for it tonight, but your MIL is just a grandma who wants to maximize her time with her grandson.  Not everything is going to go by your baby's schedule all the time.  Personally, it's important to me to be a little bit flexible.  You can start this structuring after your MIL goes back home.

Aliliv

BigIsland07:

But he doesn't STTN if we don't get him in bed at the right time. He'll fall asleep in the car seat and wake up at 3 a.m. And be up.

Plus, we're trying to teach him to consolidate his naps. If we mess with it on day 2, and consistently make excuses, how will he learn?

It's fine if you don't want to go, but you're asking for opinions on if others think you are being too rigid.    What I think:  depends on how important family is to you and DH.    For me, it's very important to have my LOs know their family.  So, for me - that would be too rigid.   It's really only one night and your LO will be fine.   Will it suck that night when you get home and more than likely the next day?  Yep, but I guess you gotta look at the trade off - what are you gaining by going to family gathering and what are you gaining from not going?

What's with the consolidating naps thing?   Is that for daycare purposes?   I'm only asking because my first did this on her own by the time she was 8/9 months old and was just wondering what the benefits are..

Jen748

b.heather:

I do not think you are being too
rigid. Would you make him wait to eat to accommodate a
family event? Probably not. Well, good sleep is just as
important, IMO, especially at this age. Obviously he does not
react well to missing his bedtime - it probably raises is cortisol
levels to such a point that he can't STTN and does not rest
well after. I've caught some flack from my extended family for
putting DD's needs first, but to me sometimes being a mom
means making the hard call. It sounds like you've carefully
considered your options here and you know what is best for
your LO. Good luck!

This. Sorry but my kids sleep is more important than seeing family.

BigIsland07

Not for daycare. We've been having real issues with naps for the past two months or so...it would take us an hour to get him down for 45 min. and it didn't seem to matter if we put him down at the first sign of being tired, or pushed him to when he was really tired (anywhere from 1.5 hours of being wake, to 3.5 hours of being awake). Pedi said it's probably time we start consolidating his naps...will help him get better sleep, in longer, more solid chunks.  

Aliliv

BigIsland07:

Not for daycare. We've been having real issues with naps for the past two months or so...it would take us an hour to get him down for 45 min. and it didn't seem to matter if we put him down at the first sign of being tired, or pushed him to when he was really tired (anywhere from 1.5 hours of being wake, to 3.5 hours of being awake). Pedi said it's probably time we start consolidating his naps...will help him get better sleep, in longer, more solid chunks.  

Oh, okay.   Thanks for the explanation - I honestly had no clue:)  He'll likely benefit a lot from that schedule!      GL with your family gathering decision!

mrsbhk22

IMO you are being too rigid.  I am all about a plan but you need to be flexible.  You might pay for it tonight, but your MIL is just a grandma who wants to maximize her time with her grandson.  Not everything is going to go by your baby's schedule all the time.  Personally, it's important to me to be a little bit flexible.  You I know it sucks when they don't STTN, but your MIL is here short term and this is for family.  Consolidating his naps can wait a few days.     

Try to relax.  Pedis arent trained in behavioral sciences, they are medically trained.  Youknow your kid best.

 Just FYI - if you are planning to have more kids, its next to impossible to be so rigid with multiple kids.  I tried when DS#2 came and its just not worth the stress on you or the kid.

mrsbhk22

idoinjuly:

You should go!  You might pay for it tonight, but your MIL is just a grandma who wants to maximize her time with her grandson.  Not everything is going to go by your baby's schedule all the time.  Personally, it's important to me to be a little bit flexible.  You can start this structuring after your MIL goes back home.

BigIsland07

Aliliv:

Oh, okay.   Thanks for the explanation - I honestly had no clue:)  He'll likely benefit a lot from that schedule!      GL with your family gathering decision!

Thanks! I think a big part of it is that my MIL is passive aggressive, so the way she approaches things just pisses me off. I'm sure that makes me even less likely to go...

BigIsland07

Thanks for your thoughts, everyone! Always good to get an outside perspective!

jolis_petits_bijoux

I would go.  Yes, I think you're not being flexible enough.  A routine can be a very good thing for a baby, but if it's so strict that baby absolutely MUST go down for bed/nap at X time, it can make you feel as if you're trapped within a schedule... as you're finding out now. 

My DS is on a "flexible" schedule.  He takes naps, bed, meals, etc., at about the same time every day, but never exactly the same time.  I love the flexibility of being able to put him down an hour later (or earlier) if needed. 

So take him to the party.  You can leave a little early if you want to.  Put his PJs on before you leave.  He will probably fall asleep in the car on the way back and will hopefully still be drowsy when you get home. 

MnM7608

I would go...how often is you MIL in town?  Structured naps can wait...family is more important.

margeincharge2

I didn't read all the responses but this reminds me of when my parents would visit my nephew and my SIL wouldn't adjust any of their schedule so that they could visit with them. It is still hurtful to my parents to this day. My dad still talks about how when they went to visit him, SIL still took him to daycare because that's what he's used to. Nevermind the fact that my dad and mom wanted to spend time with their grandson.

While I understand the importance of routine, there is also the importance of your LO getting to know family. Since your MIL lives in HI and undoubtedly doesn't travel to Minn all that frequently, I say screw the schedule. It just makes you look like the nasty DIL. Don't keep the kid out all hours of the night but I would definitely take him to the family gathering and do whatever else I could so that grandma could get visit time.

Deirdre18

I think you are being too rigid!

N&G 5_26_07

You don't really like MIL, do ya?

GypsyEsq

Before I had a baby I'd have said yes, too rigid.  But now that I have a baby I understand.  And it's a Sunday night so you'll be dealing with the consequences and, I'm assuming, going to work in the a.m.?  No way on the get together.  I mean my kid doesn't really roll like that, she naps whenever, STTN no matter what (barring teething) but I know some kids like and thrive on schedules and you are the parents and know what works for your baby.  I'm sorry MIL doesn't understand.  And while I get the idea of it's just one weekend, I think you need to stick to your guns on this one because it matters to you and your DH.

NikkiMarie

the fact that your MIL will have plenty of opportunity to see your LO other than this event, I say dont go. I have the same problem a lot of the time when we do things with K. I dont care what peope say, routine is important to us. If K's routine gets messed up, she is off for a few days. I dont say schedule because I dont force her to do anything, I let her make the routine and we adjust to her...for now.

carlab44

IMO you are being too rigid - or at least that would be too rigid for us. It just wouldn't work for us to HAVE to be home at the exact same time every night and have to have bed time at the exact same time every night. Some nights DS goes to bed at 6:30, usually 7, sometimes 7:30, once in awhile 8pm. I agree that routines are important, but so is flexibility. Too much of a routine can come back and bite you in the rear when you are traveling and can't get them to bed at the normal time, or when they are in a different environment and some part of their routine is "off". And honestly while sleep is important one night of getting up at night or going to bed later than normal is most certainly not going to be detrimental to your LO.

For naps, I'm a firm believer in that they will start to consolidate their naps when they are ready. For us that was around 7-7.5 months with both kids. They went from taking multiple 45 minute naps to taking two 1.5-2 hour naps each day. Just because you don't take this weekend as an opportunity to work on his naps doesn't mean he will never "learn". Most likely he will get there, even without your help or sleep training. 

If it were me, I'd relish in the fact that MIL wants to see your LO so often (believe me, not all MIL are that way) and realize that she was visiting from 5,000 miles away so I'd try to be flexible. 

rebus82

I'm one of those people who has a kid that will nap anywhere if he's willing to fall asleep, so I might be talking out of my asss, but it seems like insisting he only sleep in his crib at exactly the same times each day is just digging yourself further into a hole. You're putting yourself in the position that you can never *ever* be anywhere but at home during those times. That does not sound enjoyable to me.

I would throw caution to the wind for one day. Your MIL is in from out of town, you shouldn't not see her - or expect her to only come to you - because you feel you can't leave the house at perfectly normal social hours (lunch and dinner.)  

mavilabride

BigIsland07:

But he doesn't STTN if we don't get him in bed at the right time. He'll fall asleep in the car seat and wake up at 3 a.m. And be up.

Plus, we're trying to teach him to consolidate his naps. If we mess with it on day 2, and consistently make excuses, how will he learn?

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but it's just one night and you can teach him next weekend. I don't understand this concept of working your life around your baby and his naps as opposed to working your baby into your life. But in all honesty you can put up with one night of not STTN so that your DH can hang out with his mom while they're in town.

wellfleet04

Yes, you are being too rigid.  Suck it up and deal with the night of bad sleep for your family's sake.  I get that it sucks, but I think OOT family is a reason to bend your schedule.  There is no reason you HAVE to start doing the nap training this very weekend.  It can wait a few days and there will be no consequences.  It would be one thing if you were weeks into the training, but since you haven't started yet, there is no urgent reason to start right this second.

nuestra _boda

yes you are being too rigid