Need advice for close friend (Sorry Long)

umbcpt

Well one of my best friends had her baby three days after I had my baby and we live three doors apart in a townhouse community and we work together.  My baby was 15 days early (I know not a premie) and hers was a little more than four weeks early.  She called me crying today because she is feeling like she is not bonding with her son.  She said that she feels like all he does is sleep and cry and he doesn't even know that she is her mom.  She then went on to ask how I can be so in love with DD.  I at first was at a loss with as to what to say.  She said she needed an answer.  I at first said that she has to remember even though her DS is chronologically 2 months old, developmentally, he is really like a one month old.  And one month olds don't do much more than sleep and cry.  She then said that should mean that my DD is really like a 6 week old.  I tried to explain that her DS is considered a premie, so you would adjust his age, but since my DD is full term (at 37 w6 days) no adjustment is done.  I also told her that I had a very tough pregnancy with LOTS of complications that ended in an emergency c-section, and maybe I felt differently because of what led up to my DD's arrival, and by a miracle she was healthy.  I also said she cannot compare our children, and should not try.  We both have older children, my DS is 3 1/2, her DD is just 2.  Also, she was disappointed to find out she was having a boy this time, and I was ecstatic to find out I was having a girl.  (Another key difference)

I almost feel guilty for feeling happy, and my heart is aching for her.  I just try to listen to her and be there for her, and force her to get out of the house once in awhile.  I know that you all are a really supportive group of women, and I was hoping that maybe somebody could offer me some advice on how to best support my friend.  I offered to come over but she declined.  BTW, I had to go back to work this week and she is still on leave because my FMLA was up long before hers due to bedrest.  We were having coffee together most days in the morning, and checking in regularly via telephone (because it has been so cold).

Anyone have any difficulty bonding?  If so, what kind of supports did you find helpful?

Sweets2005

Maybe she should talk to her OB and make sure she doesn't have any PPD. I hope it gets better for her!!

P.S. Your DD is soooooooooooo cute!

Shayna0182

I had a bit of a rough time bonding with ds when he first came home.  I had trouble developing a routine with him, and did feel like he just wanted to eat, sleep, and cry.  Reflux was another big problem in our house, so he was even more fussy than other babies of friends that I knew.  Honestly I think it just took time.  Once ds got to be about 3 months old (actual) it just seemed he was starting to have more fun and play.  One thing that helped me was just getting out of house by myself everyday, even if it was just to go to the grocery store for 10 minutes.  She'll probably find that once her lo is eating more and sleeping longer, she'll find it easier to handle the fussiness. 

KellyMichelle

I had trouble bonding with my DS at first.  It took me a while to think of him as "my own" because for so long I had to ask to do things even as simple as changing a diaper.  Once he was home for a few weeks and settled into a routine it got alot better.  I began to make decisions for him and really begin to feel like a mommy. Now we are super close and I love him more than I ever thought I could.

 

SBMBride406

Hi neighbor! I also live in MoCo!

Anyway, it took me a while to bond with my son. He was in the NICU so I never felt like I got to know him there...then he came home and my mom and DH were always taking control of everything since I was still pretty sick and b/c they both had more baby experience than me. When my son was 6 weeks old, he developed a serious illness and was admitted to the PICU for 14 days. In the PICU, you have to stay with the baby 24 hours a day (not like the NICU), so it was just he and I in a tiny room 24 hours a day. Somewhere in those 2 weeks, I fell in love with him. I felt like we really got to know each other.

But in general, I think the idea that the baby pops out and instantly you bond is a dangerous stereotype...women who don't experience that feel like awful mothers. Today my son and I are 2 peas in a pod, but it took us 7 weeks to get there.

She may have other stuff going on there, though (PPD, etc). I think a lot of us preemie moms had a hard time bonding but most of us went through periods of wondering if our babies would survive, which I'm guessing your friend probably did not go through with a late pre-term baby. I would say you recommend she talk to her ob about her feelings.

Good luck!