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Parenting
I have a soap in mouth question...
Some of us do hotsauce in a potty mouth.
Educate me...
What's the difference?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: I have a soap in mouth question...
Kitty, you know I love you but are you for serious?
Both are not good parenting techniques.
~Lisa
Mum to Owen and Lucas
We can use me as an example if you want but no need to get sh*tty about it assuming that my need for clarification is an admission. God knows that one here should not go against the majority. However, I don't recall that I chant to myself "poopy head, stinky underwear, put your butt in my face sister and let me smell it" and other such dumb sh*t that the kids like to repeat on a constant basis.
I will admit though that using hotsauce isn't a bad idea compared to smacking a kid in the mouth, flcking them in the cheek, or a timeout that doesn't seem to work or your polite yet firm redirection. Seriously, what is the harm? I'm not being a d*ck, I just don't see what is the harm. Soap, yes, because these days you don't know what kind of chemicals there are. But hotsauce??
Chemicals is not what I'm worried about. I think it is disrespectful and degrading. I honestly think it's really sad when a parent sells themselves short like that. Surely you can do better than that.
Soap, yes, because these days you don't know what kind of chemicals there are. But hotsauce??
Good Lord, Kitty. You can't really be that dense can you? You really think the outrage about forcing a child to eat soap is about the harmful chemicals?!
Yeah, I guess I am that dense. Maybe I spent a lifetime of being disrespected and degraded by my own parents that I can't see the obvious. So then if that is the issue, then my question is answered. Hotsauce and soap = disrespectful and degrading. Got it. Not sure I deserved my nose to be grinded into the floor over a f*cking question for clarification. Feel better?
See? It sucks to be spoken to/treated in a disrespectful and degrading way, doesn't it?
Use this as a lesson to stop doing it to your kids by putting hotsauce in their mouths.
While I don't think this kind of talk is appropriate, I do think it is normal for children at certian ages. Kids potty talk it is a source of humor to them. Do you need to address it? Heck yes, but Hot Sauce is an extreme, there are tons of other behavior management tools out there that work better and are not harmful to a child.
I want someone to give me an alternative. Please. Give me one. One that works. Time out? Doesn't work. The words still keep a flowin' even in time out.
So what other alternatives do you have?
Everyone hear spouts off about there are other ways....yaddah, yaddah, yaddah. Give me one. A valid one.
I had liquid soap forced in my mouth as a child, and then held shut so I gagged on it. I know not to repeat that mistake.
I wasn't trying to grind your nose in the ground over it. I'm trying to tell you that you CAN do better than that...because you can.
Jodi, I find that respect goes a long way. A kid can't learn to treat people with respect until they're respected themselves. Really, what DOES hotsaucing a child teach? It teaches you're going to get in trouble and be disrespected. It's not teaching them to be kind or how to be kind.
I don't have a specific punishment we use for disrespect--we just talk about why it's wrong, and at 3 and 4, they can tell me why what they did or said is wrong and how it hurt someone else. All I have to do is ask them if what they're doing is a good or bad choice, and they can answer me and change their behavior. If not, they need to remove themselves from the situation until they're willing to work on being kind. Kids are smart...they figure it all out rather quickly.
But what do you do if they are saying a bad word over and over again. So you remove them, since it's hurtful. And they are in their room still saying it.
Do they stay there until they stop saying it? What if that takes, for example, 30 minutes? An hour?
What if they come back out and say it again within a couple of minutes? Back in their room?
Honestly, Jodi, it really just doesn't happen. When they are asked to remove themselves, they're usually gone for a couple of minutes max. When they have the power to control themselves, they lose the desire to do things just to rub you the wrong way.
I lead them, I teach them, but ultimately, no matter what I do, they are the only one who can control their actions. Even if I spank, they still have the power to decide if they're going to be hateful or hit, etc. I give them the tools and ability to decide to do the right thing.
I'm not saying they're perfect, but this does work. They're only 3 and 4 (not quite), so I can't say how it pans out as tweens/teens, but I can say right now that it does work.
And if they choose to stay alone for an hour and be hateful, that's up to them. They really don't come back out and start all over again. They would be asked to go back and not come back until they have control over themselves, but again, they have the power to decide they have control over their words or bodies. I have high expectations of my kids--and they know that. They mess up, sure. So do I. But I stay consistent and they get it. We have some days that are worse than others, just as every parent does.
Pretty much, all I have to do is ask them if they're making a good choice or a bad choice, and they change their behavior immediately. I'm very matter-of-fact about it all. It's not a game, I'm not going to let them play me, I don't give in. It really doesn't take long for a kid to get all of this.
There's no difference. Both are disgusting things to do to your children.
That to me is when the house is out of sync and out of control. If we have episodes like that it's because I'm not present emotionally and C is literally going mad from it. It's typically the last of MANY signs that things are going down the tubes and it's action time. A real critical evaluation of wtf is going on. Are we all all getting enough:
good food?
sleep?
outside time? (huge)
structure?
responsibility?
praise?
touch?
one-on-one time?
or too much:
TV?
Internet?
YELLING?
nagging?
mess?
I just had to do this exact 'audit'. I think we're 4 days into the new effort and the change is striking in all of us. Day one had me carrying a whining Christopher outside for a walk with me at 8:30 in the morning (leaving a wailing Sara w/DH). And then just slogging through the day. Working hard at everything. Cleaning, praising, cuddling, telling silly jokes, tickling the whining child instead of yelling "stop.whining" for the 10th ineffective time that hour. Making us sit for lunch. Turning off the stupid effing television. Repeating in my head "breathe in... and out. Love in... and out". Because when you dish out anger and spite you get it right back amplified by 3.5 little years of confusion and inexperience.
Kind..firm, kind..firm. Practicing the kind of parenting they deserve.
This isn't the first time I've had to give myself a new start. Every few months I need to do it.
Jeez if you're still reading, sorry so long.
eta: thought of something else. Doing nice things together as a family. We volunteer with the local food bank and so this week I called to see if I could do a delivery this weekend. That way we're all up and out of the house by 9am (ie - no sitting around getting frustrated with a bored 3 year old at 11am). Focusing on someone other than ourselves. Practicing being nice
This is what works at our house.
We have decided not to give the word(s) power. If she says a bad word, fine. We simply tell her that there is a time and a place, and that if she needs to express herself that way, then she needs to go to her room and use those words. Once she has it out of her system, she can come back out.
It honestly has worked. Me and DH have the WORST mouths ever and I know she hears it. I can't pretend that she isn't going to hear it or that she won't use it. What I can control is how I react and the power I give the words.
photos by jennied photography
Alissa Jean
9.10.2004
I mean this in a half kidding/half serious way --- aren't you afraid of bipolar disorder?! Holy crap --- changing the way you do things every few months. So three months of crap --- three months of volunteering at a food bank!?!?!
I think it's great that you make changes where you see fit. And I actually am envious that you are that aware AND that motivated to make the changes.
But honestly, I'm not sure what's worse. Knowing what's going to happen next (even if it is yelling) or wondering if mom is going to yell or if she is going to tickle!??!!?
I just got here but Jodi- I can see where it can kind of seem bipolar-ish. But honestly, we get lost in the day to day grind. Just like in a marriage, things start to fizzle and something happens to remind you that you've forgotten about each other.
What Zenya is saying is that something happens with the kids that remind her that they have been neglecting certain parts of their family (I don't know if that's really what I mean).
Sometimes I notice DD is getting a little extra clingy or whiney and I realize wait- DH has been working extra hours and my mind has been elsewhere trying to keep things in order. Then I bring myself back and concentrate on what's important. It may not be perfect and may be a little bipolar-ish, but no one is perfect.
But (and I've talked to you about this before), when you and your DH show respect to each other and to the kids -asking nicely to do things, saying thank you (me and DH speak this way to each other both away and in front of the kids) then your kids will learn respect. If you are not modeling this behavior, then they think it's okay to be sh!tty.
If you are showing disrespect and/or cussing in front of them or at them, they will repeat it. When you punish them for something you do, you will eventually be a hypocrite in their eyes.
And I keep losing my connection so I've lost my train of thought. Hopefully some of this made sense.
Jodi, just keep doing what you're doing, b/c honestly no matter what anyone offers for you as suggestions to change ANYTHING in your life, you always find a way to discredit the idea or make an excuse as to why it won't work for you. Usually, to your credit, you're honest and admit that you're too lazy to bother changing anything.
So continue w/ the hot-saucing. i guess someone has to be "that" parent.
I don't discredit.
And I don't make excuses. Even you yourself KNOW that I say I'm too lazy. Not an excuse --- reality.
I have ZERO motivation. For anything, really.
And I meant my post to Z sincerely. Part of my need for DRAMA in my life is b/c when growing up, my parents were so hot and cold. One day (or better yet, for a couple of months) things were GREAT. Then again, for months, things were crappy and my mom was yelling and we were moving and whatever.
Believe or not, whether you want to give me the credit or not (which we all know you think you are WAY above me and I'm just some idiot!) --- I know what I'm talking about.
I LIVED pretty much what Z is describing. Maybe a tad bit more extreme than what she is describing but never the less, it was the rollercoaster of childhoods!
And as long as we are taking digs, Sarah, you are "that" parent. You know, the one where your precious Ethan can do no wrong and it's always someone else's fault.
Good luck with that!
you misread (or I didn't explain well). We do mostly great.s Then we get off track for a while (couple of days) then I re -motivate. It's like any other relationship. you get in a slump and then you haul ass.
eta: in this example we got in a slump after the kids were sick last week. We had a few days of sitting around the house being miserable and then the behavior followed suit,
eta again. I've been with the foodbank for 18 mos and was just voted in as VP.
Oh yea, totally NOT how I read it!!!!! Makes sense now. And phew!
You know since I've told you this before but I totally admire you! I think you are a great mom who sees what needs to change and actually makes the effort to change it...even though it's the most incredibly hard work ever! I wish I had the ethic!
What?! By all means, give an example. While I do think that Ethan is precious (do you NOT think your kids are?!), I certainly know he does TONS of wrong and I always address it. We had a play date yesterday and he was in time-out more than once for being obnoxious to his friends.
Isn't everything self serving, really? I want to be happy. And I'm not happy when I'm in crappy mom mode.
I'm not happy --- but can't seem to get out of my own damn way to change that. Seriously, what a SLUG!
You'll get there. You'll get sick of how things are.
We just ignore it, b/c honestly I couldn't give twoshits about Jackson using a curse word, even repeatedly. I might say "that's not nice," and just move on. Or I say, "Please use X instead." An example would be me saying use bottom for butt.
So Jackson keeps repeating the f bomb. I say, "That's not a very nice word, please quit using it." He says it again. I ignore. Because honestly, in this situation he is looking for attention and a reaction that I'm not going to give him. He can say it until he's blue in the face as far as I'm concerned, and I'll either go about what I'm doing or say, "hey want to do X?"
Because honestly, I would rather drink bleach than punish HIM for something he heard from me. I find it revolting.
Now if we're talking him sassing me, the words don't matter, b/c I just say, "I don't understand what you're saying when you talk like that. Talk nice, and I'll see what I can do." If he throws a fit from that, I walk away. I put it on him to to calm down and tell me what he needs. My advice would be to quit engaging and escalating and suggest another activity if they won't stop, which I don't think requires any motivation at all.
I'm not a perfect parent, nor do I find hot sauce or soap abuse. I just think it's ineffective and it doesn't stop it or make them understand a damn thing. They're not dogs that you can spray in the face with water to keep them off the furniture.