I think I'm finally ready to admit it

Sticky41284

I thought I was just going through the baby blues, but here we are, 9 weeks later, and no improvement.

I reached this conclusion yesterday afternoon. My son had been crying all afternoon and I didn't know why (turns out, we had taken him off his Zantac on Monday and all was fine. Then yesterday he was cranky and eventually spit up vomit smelling gunk on my sweater and I realized why he was cranky. We went back on the Zantac immediately). I was trying to get him to take his paci to calm down but he kept spitting it out. I lost it and screamed "Keep it in your mouth!"

He started crying really hard then, and I started bawling. I scooped him up and we sat and rocked together for a while, all while I was apologizing to him.

I called DH to come home immediately, which he did. He took today off of work too, so I could have a day where I didn't have to worry about him at all.

I've been losing my patience more and more with my son, especially at overnight feedings. I've never, EVER hurt him, but I'm not going to lie, I've had visions of me giving up on an overnight feeding and throwing him back in his crib. Yes, throwing.

Whenever I get that image in my head, I wake up DH and have him finish the feeding.

This is really terrible to admit, and I'm afraid to call the doctor. I don't want them calling CPS on me! I've never hurt my child and I never will!

I just want some relief from my feelings of failure and my impatience with my poor, helpless son. It's not his fault. He deserves an awesome mom, which I feel like I can't be right now. And I want to feel connected to him. I've had such a feeling of disconnect from him. I want to give myself completely to him, like other mom's say they do for their babies.

I guess I'm looking for some encouragement to call my doctor today. I'm scared that if I admit that I've had visions of hurting my baby, they will take him away from me.

Thanks, ladies. I really appreciate your help.

AmberLM

I'm glad your husband is being supportive.  Just call the doctor...they've seen it all before.  If it makes you nervous, you DON'T have to admit that you've had visions of hurting your baby.  Just tell the doctor about your other feelings.

texmommy3

Oh sweetie, I am sorry.  I so can understand where you are right now.  I was there 100% with my dd#2 and I didn't want to admit it because it would mean that I would need help. I pushed it off and off until I fell apart.  I mean, I literally fell apart.  I couldn't eat, sleep, anything.  It was terrible.  Don't let that happen to you.  Call the doctor now while you still mostly have your head above water.  Like Amber said, the doctors have seen it all.  Tell the doctor you think you need meds.  If you are nursing,  you can still take Zoloft.

Joanne12

I was about to post the same thing.  I was in denial I think.  I'm 11 weeks out and I still find myself crying over nothing, I have so much anxiety and I get so frustrated with DS.  He is 2 1/2 months old how can I possibly get upset by someone who can't speak to tell me what he wants?  I feel like I horrible mother somedays.  I kept thinking it would go away but it hasn't.  I also keep having thoughts about things happening to him.  Not so much me doing something to him but just all the bad things that could happen and the I see it in my head then that leads to more anxiety. Gosh, I feel horrible even admitting that.

I called the doctor today.  I haven't slept in a few nights because I just watch him breathe and I am at my wits end... I'm back at work and going to school I can't be losing my mind. 

Call the doctor.  It is better to get help then sit here in misery.  That is what I figured.  Just call before it gets worse, doctors are here to help you.  

Sally J

Your post sounds exactly like how I felt during the worst of it, horrible visions and all.  It was so tough for me to feel so vulnerable (and so embarrassed about my visions) and still have to ask for help.  It's okay if you need help.  It's okay if you have awful feelings and awful visions - your hormones are wacky right now.  The best mother you can be is to ask your doctor for help.  I promise it only gets better once you talk to your doctor.  I felt a huge sense of relief when I finally got help.  The last think you want is for you to put off getting help and for you to spiral further down.  You and your family deserve to be happy and your doctor will help you get there.

caitlet425

Call your doctor. They won't judge. You are not alone, your feelings are normal for someone with PPD. I know that sounds odd, but it's true. The best thing is that you recognize you need help and you know that you won't act on the thoughts you are having.  You are a good mom for that reason. I didn't feel connected with DS for several weeks after I brought him home. Now, after being on zoloft for 14 weeks, I can't get enough of him. Being a new mom is HARD. You are lucky to have a husband who is so understanding. My DH still doesn't totally get it. He thinks I should be able to just snap out of it. It's not that easy. Medication doesn't have to be a permanent solution. Being a good mom is taking care of yourself too and asking for help when you need it. Trust me, YOU ARE A GOOD MOM and NO ONE is going to take your LO away from you. PM me if you want to talk more or need more info.