I have a question. And, flame away if you must.

MelandJeff

To the frustrated mothers/wives out there...

My question is, when you have your first child, and realize the lack of help that you have, and after having your first child, you get a very good snapshot of the type of father your H is, why, do you go on to further be miserable and overwhelmed only to have a 2nd, 3rd or even 4th ?

I am NOT trying to be snarky, I am genuinely interested to understand the mindset.

DISCLAIMER: there is no one particular nestie out there that this is directed at, I have just been seeing a lot more "overwhelmed" posts than usual as of late.

amiamish

because there are days that I feel like I can be "super mom" and do it all with OUT his help... baby fever... and he says he'll help more with DS gets older (which he is now-helping more).

Some days are "overwhelmed" days, but for the most part we have good days.

EMT

I agree, in general, with your post.

But, in regards to the posts on here, this is a place for people to vent. I have vented about my DH, my ILs, my friends etc. but in general, my family and friends are great, supportive, helpful, loving people! So, I'm not sure posts on this board should be considered indicative of the relationships as a whole necessarily. KWIM?

 

meghans30

I agree! I have a wonderful DH. He is great with the kids and does equal amount of the work of both raising the kids and household chores, but I also know it stresses him out. I had to take this into account when determining the number of children we would have. My heart wants a 3rd, but I think a 3rd would have a negative impact on our marriage. We are stretched thin now, and would only be more so if having more. Things have been put into perspective for me lately.

soontobemomma

ITA, and I think this A LOT!!!  I don't get it.  If your DH doesn't help with 1, he's not going to change miraculously.  Or people who ttc when they post about their marriage issues in the recent past.  Blows my mind.  

DesignerMama

I'm curious about this too. MH works insane hours and I'm barely hanging on to my sanity with one. We've pushed back TTC numerous times now, and will continue to do so until 1) I feel like I can handle two on my own, or 2) His work schedule lets up a bit. I know my limits and two would put me in the loony bin right now. 

Jodi&Joe

Well, my issue with my second child is that *I* should not have had a second child.  Not that Joe has shaped up to be much better in the parenting two children arena either but I knew MY limitations and yet chose to have a second.  I think it's one of those things that is easily understand but not so easily explained....kwim?!?!?

AnnapolisLari

Honestly, I think that some people around here get pregnant with #2 so soon after having #1 that they never know how their husband will be as a father.

I had a pretty good idea that DH wouldn't be great with little kids, and have been proven right. As DS gets older, he's getting a little better.

lizlemon77

I thought I was going to be just as good of a mom when I had two as I was when I had one.  I was wrong. 

I think if we go into every relationship or every situation believing that it's current "status" is set in stone we will always be disapointed.  I'm not suggesting that you can change someone, but there were definitely things about my DH that I didn't love before we got married.  That doesn't mean that the good stuff didn't outweigh the bad.

lizlemon77

I should add that I also agree that this is a place where people come to vent.  My DH might now win father of the year but he is an awesome provider for my girls and I.

MelandJeff

EMT:

I agree, in general, with your post.

But, in regards to the posts on here, this is a place for people to vent. I have vented about my DH, my ILs, my friends etc. but in general, my family and friends are great, supportive, helpful, loving people! So, I'm not sure posts on this board should be considered indicative of the relationships as a whole necessarily. KWIM?

 

Well, I kind of know what you mean, and I agree, this is totally a place to vent and is not necessarily indicative of what REALLY is going on, however, the posts lately have stated that this is their life as a whole, it doesnt appear to be just a "I am  having one of those days" vents. IDK.

Not trying to judge anyone, (I mean this isnt sleepaway camp or anything now is it?) But, as a single mom once, it was SO FREAKING hard, I could not fathom intentionally doing that to myself a 2nd time. And, I DO think our situations are similar, some of these moms state that they are, in essence, single moms.

gracendantho26

meghans30:

I agree! I have a wonderful DH. He is great with the kids and does equal amount of the work of both raising the kids and household chores, but I also know it stresses him out. I had to take this into account when determining the number of children we would have. My heart wants a 3rd, but I think a 3rd would have a negative impact on our marriage. We are stretched thin now, and would only be more so if having more. Things have been put into perspective for me lately.

ditto this and to add that work is super important to him and does take a lot of time and create a fair amount of stress so that plays into it too.

CleoKitty

I've wondered the same thing- not so much here on the Nest, but I see it all the time IRL.

I'm not talking about people who are just venting- we've all done that from time to time. I'm talking about the people who are truly unhappy in their relationships who TTC #2 (or #3) when they're not even sure if they're going to stay together. I've seen it several times in the past few years with numerous friends- in one case it was a friend who purposely didn't use birth control even though she claims to really hate her husband and they were separated at the time she became pregnant. 

Chrisy-Wyobride

I think...at least in my life....that things (including DH) varies depending on the circumstances.  Sometimes his work stress is very high & he's not very helpful or patient.  Sometimes he is overwhelmed by caring for child in the throws of a terrible 2 tantrum.  Sometimes he's freaking wonderful & helps me tremendously.  Sometimes life is so awesome I can't wait to share things with my children.  Sometimes I adore holding my baby & looking at her sweet face.  Sometimes I am so tired of holding my clingy baby when I really have other things I have to be doing.  Etc...

If people come here to vent, then so be it....one snapshot of a particular time does not make the entire picture...at least for us. 

melmax

MH sucks with babies. Just can't relate, doesn't find that connection.  But as DD #1 got older, he got better with her, bc he can have a convo with her, joke with her, etc.  And he shows his affection in other ways--other being super dad. I knew this, and still wanted #2, b/c, well....I just loved my dd so much, loved being a mom, and didn't want  DD#1 to be an only child.

MH surprised me with a sit down conversation, and prior to me having baby #2 he suggested I get a nanny so that I not get totally overwhelmed, resentful, whacked out, etc....in light of the fact that he doens't help too much with the baby stage. While I would love that he were more involved in this stage, I DO feel appreciative for the 20 hours a week help that the sitter gives our family.

omurray

melmax:

MH sucks with babies. Just can't relate, doesn't find that connection.  But as DD #1 got older, he got better with her, bc he can have a convo with her, joke with her, etc.  And he shows his affection in other ways--other being super dad. I knew this, and still wanted #2, b/c, well....I just loved my dd so much, loved being a mom, and didn't want  DD#1 to be an only child.

MH surprised me with a sit down conversation, and prior to me having baby #2 he suggested I get a nanny so that I not get totally overwhelmed, resentful, whacked out, etc....in light of the fact that he doens't help too much with the baby stage. While I would love that he were more involved in this stage, I DO feel appreciative for the 20 hours a week help that the sitter gives our family.

Wow, that is so awesome!  I love that although he's not great with babies, he's willing to admit it and also recognize that if he's not gonna help, someone needs to.  He found a way to help take care of you, even given his own limitations. 

 

r9stedt

Zenya

I think sometimes the desire to have a(nother) child is greater than anything else.

eclaires

I agree.   I don't get it at all.

Before we decided on TTC#2, I made sure my husband was 100% on board.

We have friends who had a second even though the husband didn't want a second and doesn't help out at all and didn't pre-#2 either.  It just boggles my mind.  I wouldn't want that life at all. 

Also, I should add - I get there are some husbands who work a lot, and that's okay if it's working for both people and the husband is supportive and appreciative of what his wife does.  I think it's personal what works for every family, but I do not get going into it knowing your husband doesn't help and hasn't changed.

championmama

soontobemomma:

ITA, and I think this A LOT!!!  I don't get it.  If your DH doesn't help with 1, he's not going to change miraculously.  Or people who ttc when they post about their marriage issues in the recent past.  Blows my mind.  

Totally agree with this statement and I'm picturing one particular person. 

I haven't read below this post, so I have no idea what post you all are refering to, but I'm sure i'll come to it in a mintue.

eclaires

Zenya:

I think sometimes the desire to have a(nother) child is greater than anything else.

See if I was SO wanting another kid, and my husband was unsupportive and our relationship wasn't that fantastic, I'd consider leaving and starting over.  I could find a man who wanted kids and wanted to be involved before I'd saddle myself w/ more kids and a father who is absent.

I'd rather take that route, then procreate with a man who didn't appreciate me and didn't help out, just for the sake of another kid.

r9stedt

eclaires:

Zenya:

I think sometimes the desire to have a(nother) child is greater than anything else.

See if I was SO wanting another kid, and my husband was unsupportive and our relationship wasn't that fantastic, I'd consider leaving and starting over.  I could find a man who wanted kids and wanted to be involved before I'd saddle myself w/ more kids and a father who is absent.

I'd rather take that route, then procreate with a man who didn't appreciate me and didn't help out, just for the sake of another kid.

 

OMG.  You just described my life.

shopgirl_07

THANK YOU! I wonder this all the time, mostly from reading the nest.

I mean, if you just want 2,3,4 kids, H be d@mned, then fine. But, stop complaining. You knew full well what you were getting yourself into and you chose to do it anyway.

eclaires

r9stedt:

eclaires:

Zenya:

I think sometimes the desire to have a(nother) child is greater than anything else.

See if I was SO wanting another kid, and my husband was unsupportive and our relationship wasn't that fantastic, I'd consider leaving and starting over.  I could find a man who wanted kids and wanted to be involved before I'd saddle myself w/ more kids and a father who is absent.

I'd rather take that route, then procreate with a man who didn't appreciate me and didn't help out, just for the sake of another kid.

 

OMG.  You just described my life.

LOL, r9, well now you know I am 100% behind your choices! 

I'm serious - that's what I'd do.  I wonder if sometimes that is because my mom and sperm donor divorced when I was 7, and I've seen my mom find a new husband who is truly the love of her life and a very active parent.  I just can't imagine staying no matter what.  And sure, it's HARD to leave.  No doubt.  My mom struggled and we were broke as can be for quite awhile.  She still tells the story about how one Christmas she had no money for gifts for us, and she had been dating my dad [stepdad who eventually adopted us] for 6 months.  He showed up on Christmas Eve with gifts for her to give us from Santa... it just proves to me there are good men out there, and I'd rather take a chance on finding one then settling just to have more kids.  Or whatever.

DandelionMom

My mom says it is "Baby Fever Induced Brain Damage" that makes women forget how hard it is to be pregnant, how exhausting an infant can be, and how little help you get. 

And like in my situation, I was already pregnant with my 3rd when DH switched jobs.  The new job wasn't supposed to have more than 10% travel but ended up being about 75% travel.  Circumstances change. 

Expecting0207

My DH is a wonderful father when he is around but I mostly do it myself.  It's the nature of his job and specifically where he's at in his training.  It sucks but we are both almost 32 and have been together 13 years and this time in our lives seems right to have children.  We both want 3 or 4, but we are planning to wait another 2 years when he is done fellowship to have them.  Right now 2 is my limit on my own.

minnasmommy

at least 4 days during the week I am on my own with S all day/ night. DH leaves for work at 7 (before S is up) and on an early night he's home by 8. last week he was home after 11pm 4 nights out of the week. 

he has always had a very demanding job which consumes a LOT of his time. when he is home though he is ALL ABOUT Sophia and me.

this is what I signed up for. I knew I was marrying a workaholic. it's his drive and dedication to his career that allows me to stay at home.

once #2 comes the cleaning lady is coming back (we had to lay her off when things hit the fan on wall st).  she is back and I will have a mother's helper (if needed) for a couple hours a few days a week. (I have NO family near by that can help me).

anyway--I think sometimes people think #2 will change things....and it will, but usually not for the better if you already feel your H isn't contributing enough.

Its got to be a tough situation to be in. I feel sorry for those girls.

I have worked very hard to establish a good network of mom-friends and S does a lot of activities which keeps me from going totally crazy.  

veloelle

I haven't read any of the responses. I agree w/ you. We ALL randomly b!tch about our duties as moms. But to have chronic issues that where known before #2 or #3 came along...

eclaires

minnas and Expecting - that's why I added that caveat to my statement.  I definitely think it can work - I just think the spouse that works a lot has to appreciate what the other does, and both people have to be on board for the situation to work. 

Plus like someone else mentioned - a husband who was willing to hire a nanny [or cleaning lady or both] is clearly cognizant of the situation and wants to help his wife; not just leave everything to her. 

minnasmommy

no I totally understand what you're saying e. I am very fortunate that DH is always complimenting me on what a great job I'm doing, acknowledges how hard it is some days to be with S ALL.THE.TIME and always thanks me. I found a good one!

as far as step-dads go--DH has a great one! he was the best man at our wedding b.c he is truly the guy my DH is closest to. you can imagine how that went over with the bio-dad (who is a self-centered PITA).  lol 

JillShari

One of my friends who isn't 100% sure of her marriage is still debating the second child thing which I think has more to do with giving #1 a sibling than anything else.  It is sad because I know that it stresses a good marriage so much more and have seen so many break ups over another child coming into the relationship.

Andrewsgal

I don't get this either. I see it a lot in both real life and on the nest. No marriage is perfect but if your DH is not around and does not help I can't imagine brining another child into the mix

I also have to agree that situations change. I had DS November 24 and found out on Dec 1st that DH would be working 60-70 hours a week for the next 8 months until a big contract was done. It was hard, and I was a single mom, but I never felt like DH did not help. He was always there for me and supported me. I did all the daily things alone, but never felt like I did it all.

goodheartedmommy

I feel like I'm doing it by myself a lot. DH does work a lot--and I appreciate it. To make a long story short, our plan for our life did not work out, DH's schooling and career path did not work out, and we had to start over. He has a wonderful job now with great opportunities. So, it's worth it to me. He's doing what he needs to do to make our life better. I know he loves us very much and has great respect for what I do. He helps when he's here (and not sleeping, since he sleeps when we're awake and works when we're sleeping). Anyway, I know it's a temporary situation. I don't know if that answers the question at all. I do have a lot of family support, and people to call and bail me out when I need help.

hopefulmom

I think some women get pregnant hoping it will "save" their marriage...regardless of whether their DH helps or not.  I've known a couple in real life.  It didn't help their marriage and they basically ended up being single moms with a bunch of kids (one friend had 7!).