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3rd Trimester
Vent - DH is an addict
I wish this was a funny post about how DH is addicted to something harmless, but it is not.
After a year of lies, cover-ups, and god knows how much money lost, I got a full confession from DH about his addiction to oxycodone. Baby is due in 1 month: DH is now going through terrible withdrawal, our bank accounts have been wiped clean and we are in debt. I don?t know how I am going to get through this. As far as I am concerned, I am alone, I have no more support what-so-ever from DH. In fact, it seems as though he needs more support from me than ever before.
How can I possibly be there for him? I hate him right now. Life was picture-perfect before my eyes were wiped clean of the ignorance I was living in. We never had any fights, he did everything for me, was there for me in every way possible ? but I guess all of that was only possible because of the drugs.
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Re: Vent - DH is an addict
It's not all because of the drugs. Just be his support system. Remind him that he can do it and it is well worth it to be clean and clear headed in the end.
That's about all you can do. His body has to do the rest. You can get through this, think of it as a test of your strength and character.
I am SO very sorry that you are going through this.... and especially at this time of your life, with a LO on the way in just a month. I never experienced this with a spouse, but both my dad & brother are addicts, and I've found comfort and support at Al-Anon meetings... I'm sure there's some sort of drug addict spousal support group out there as well.
Good luck... this is a tough battle to go through, and I hope your DH comes out a better person and ready to be a father to his LO.
oh goodness. Im sorry your going thru this. My cousin was in a similar situation. her husband was high on pain killers the day their son was born. He was stealing money and personal checks out of her purse, just so he can get pills.
She stuck with him and I guess he isnt on them anymore but he did go to a couple meetings, personally I cant stand him but its her who has to live with him not me ya know!
I dont have much advice but if you want to stick it out with him, its going to be hard and you have to be willing to work and help him through this. Good luck to you.
Wow. I am really sorry. My mother was addicted to drugs and it was terrible. This is an awful and unfair thing for you to have to go through.
I highly suggest rehab. They have out patient programs as well as grants to help pay. I also suggest that you seek therapy, with or without DH. Your DH is not a terrible person. I know it is hard but give him some credit for coming clean. The fact that he came to you tells me that he loves you and wants to live without this addiction.
Unfortunately your DH is not going to be able to support you right now and is going to require a lot of support for himself. It isn't fair but it is the truth. Now is the time when you rally the family around you and pray for strength. Have a family meeting and discuss how you can all come together to get through this time.
I would see if you can make time to go to Al-anon. It is very important for you to learn that he is an addict not a horrible person. Hang in there and find others in your same position. DO NOT support anything other than recovery, however. You will not be his enabler - you have LO to worry about so he can either get clean, or get out of your and LO's life. Period.
I'm so sorry you're going through this.
I'm so sorry. Please get counseling, both of you. He needs to detox, go thru withdrawls, and get into a program. It's ok to be mad at him right now, you should be. But get him professional help asap, and you should have counseling to help deal with the situation. You will have direct involvement with his recovery and you will need professional help and advice as well.
Your baby may change him for the better, you could be surprised.
My sister was an addict, and then suddenly found herself pregnant 2 months after becoming sober. She stayed sober throught the pregnancy, and has been sober ever since (2 years). Her daughter gave her the strength she needed to stay clean. Hopefully your DH will see the same "light" she did when the baby is born.
Good lucks and lots of hugs to you.
Ok this is my honest advice and I'm sorry if it's to much for you, or not what you want to hear.
He is your DH and an addict or not you need to be there for him. I know right now you "hate" him and want nothing to do with him, but he came to you and told you the truth. Sounds like he wants to get clean and just needs your help. Turning your back on him now will be the worst thing to do. He needs rehab, and support from his wife.
Also you said that he was always there for you and always did everything for you but it was just the drugs? I have dated an addict and he did NOTHING for me, nothing for anyone, and was a bum!! So maybe your DH really does love you, he just has a problem and needs your help. My suggestion, do not give up on him!!!
My heart goes out to you having to deal with this at such an important time in your life. The one positive thing I can say is at least he is making an effort to remedy the problem and come clean before the baby is here. That being said I know it doesn't make the process any easier, and emotionally you should be getting the support, not having to get it. I don't have experience with drug addiction, but do know people who have recovered from addiction, it is a possibility.?
I hope that everything works out and that you and your husband can grow from this and regain the trust and love that you once had.
My thoughts are with you right now. Stay strong for your little one! ?
I agree with this! Al-Anon could provide a lot of support to you. So sorry to hear that you are going through this.
i'm so sorry
his recovery will be a long hard road. he needs help. you need help. and if you stay together as a couple, you need help for your marriage.
right now, i'd tell him to focus on himself and you focus on finding yourself a good strong support system: family, friends, support groups.
your LO comes before your H at this point, so only give him what you can and the rest is on him. good luck.
Call your insurance company, see what types of benefits they offer for addiction recovery and counseling. If they offer anything get him signed up asap.
Addiction is a disease, and the good news is he knows he has a problem, and he wants to seek help. You are incredibly lucky that he wants to overcome it and recover, now it's time to support him.
I am so sorry for what you are going through.
I work for a non-profit that is a drug and alcohol rehab facility and I see this and worse daily.
Please PLEASE look in to a facility for him. You will want in patient for a minimum of 30 days. Outpatient is best for people that are caught at the beginning of their addictions or have already received inpatient care.
Also visit your local Al-Anon or Narc-Anon chapters. These are for family and friends of addicts and can help you deal with the emotions you have about how this affects you.
I would not depend on your Husband right now as he needs to focus on him and you need someone (mother, father, brother, sister, best friend) to help you through what you are going through.
My prayers are to you and your husband- feel free to PM me if you have any questions.
My short reply: Please make sure your DH is getting support during this time. It will help him avoid relapse and give him some emotional support during this time. YOUR emotional support can come in the form of counseling and/or a 12 step program (or similar) as PP suggested.
My long reply: My ex DH (he's "ex" for many more reasons than this...) overdosed on this drug once. I was watching tv and turned it off to go to bed about 9:30, maybe 1/2 hour after he'd gone into the room. I found him on the bed, sweat-covered and passed out, gray in color and barely breathing. I called 911 and had no idea what to tell them the cause was. Ex had told me he threw away all of the rest of the meds (I saw him throw away some but apparently not all of it). When I handed the EMTs his pill crusher, they identified it immediately and gave him something to counteract the effects. Ex was such a big guy, and our condo oddly shaped, so they actually cut out both of my bedroom windows to get him outside on the stretcher....in the rain...at 10:30pm.
I will tell you that trusting someone after something like that is not easy and you will both need help. It is, however, possible as long as you both invest and work at it.
I am very sorry you have to go through this and I hope he is strong enough to get his act together and be there for/with you. PLEASE make sure you BOTH get some sort of help. If you need any assistance locating meeting/counseling/etc please don't hesitate to PM me.
Good luck.
I was lurking over here from 2nd tri and I saw your post. I work as an alcohol and drug counselor and I meet with people going through similar struggles everyday. My best suggestion is to contact your insurance company and get him set up for a chemical dependency evaluation and follow the evaluators recommendations. Otherwise, if his withdrawal is very severe, he can always go to the ER for meds (Suboxone is to treat withdrawal). If money is a factor I would avoid the ER as the costs tend to be more expensive.
As far as taking care of yourself, I would highly recommend seeking out a support group such as Al-Anon. If you feel uncomfortable with that, you can always make an appointment with an individual therapist. Here is contact info for Al-Anon and where to find meetings.
https://www.al-anon.alateen.org/
https://www.naflorida.org/
Feel free to PM if you want any other direction. I'll be thinking about your family and wishing you the best.
Some good advice above. Sending T&P to you.
There is a fantastic show on A&E called Intervention that comes on Monday nights. It doesn't look like tonight's episodes deal with prescription meds but you could probably learn a lot by watching anyway. The interventionists always explain to the family what the addict is feeling, etc. The addict almost always agrees to go to treatment but doesn't always come out clean.
I would definitely see if there is any way he could go to a full-blown treatment facility. I totally agree with PPers that you shouldn't turn your back on him. It's for better or for worse and you can come out closer than ever after this. He seems like a really fantastic guy that has a horrible addiction. If he does not work his a$$ off to stay sober and stay sober, leave and don't look back because it's crazy to have a baby around that. It sounds like he's acknowledging his problem, however, and looking for support. Good for him. You'll survive this! LO will always come first (and never forget that ... his/her safety should never be in jeopardy) but it's time for you to keep up your end of the vows (as long as he keeps up his end of the bargain as well).
I am terribly sorry. Addiction is an insidious disease that affects not only the addict, but those who love the addict as well. I grew up with addict parents and extended family, so I am very familiar with all of this.
First things first...you're going to have to go through the grieving process...especially to let go of the life you thought you were living. I'd also recommend that DH start attending 12-step meetings...NA...narcotics anonymous. I agree with the pp...Al-Anon or Narc-Anon can help you through this process.
I know you might feel like your world is crumbling around you but in a way, this is perfect timing. Your DH can be a clean and sober dad and your LO will never need to know the pain of growing up with an actively using addict parent.
Do you have friends or family who you can reach out to and ask for help? People in the community (church, etc.)? Now is not the time to hide...it's not your fault and really, even your DH isn't the bad guy. It's the drugs. Yes, he has to take responsibility, but it's important to understand that addiction is a disease that must be managed...like diabetes or anything else.
It's not going to be easy, but these are the times when "sickness and health...good times and bad" really mean something. Stick by him. Walk through this with him and I promise you'll all be stronger for it on the other side.
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I hope this comes out right but we had an addiction problem in our family recently and it was very upsetting for everyone involved.
What we were made to realize is that this person has an addiction - it doesn't mean they don't love you or respect your feelings - they are addicted.
If you can see your way through his you will be one strong couple.
My thoughts are with you.
I'm sorry you are going through this. Please look up the number/website for your local Nar-anon or Al-anon group. Call the number. Tell them you don't know what to do. They will help you.
I agree with this! I can't imagine how much this must hurt but I agree you need to be there for him, GL to both of you, it is going to be a long road!