Etiquette?

Tulip370

One of the other gals posting made me think of this with the etiquitte question about wording shower invites (thanks!).  Maybe you can offer some feedback on this:

I live in AZ and cannot make it back East for a baby shower.  My mom still insists on sending out some sort of announcement/shower invite, basically saying that 'Jack and Jill are unable to come home for a shower, but if you would like to help welcome their baby boy, they are registered at X, Y, and Z'.  I told my mom I wasn't sure about this as it sounds like we are asking people to buy us gifts, but she said "We did this for your aunt when she had kids, I don't see anything wrong with it".  She doesn't think it is distasteful, but I kind of do. 

How should this be approached gracefully?  She is going to send out invites regardless, but is there a way I can suggest they be worded or make suggestions on who she sends them to?  I am trying to avoid extended family and friends as it might seem like 'Hey I've only met you once, but buy me a gift'.

Comments?  TIA!

pam1005

Announcements after the baby is born is the only thing I can think of.  Anything before is really not appropriate.  If people want to buy you something have your mom tell them where you are registered.  

megdrew1218

pam1005:

Announcements after the baby is born is the only thing I can think of.  Anything before is really not appropriate.  If people want to buy you something have your mom tell them where you are registered.  

This. If I got something like that in the mail, I'd throw it away and b!itch about it to my friends. Most family/friends that would go to a shower already know you're pg, so it's not an announcement of pg. Just go with something after the baby is here. Presents optional... I wouldn't include registry info with this - even if it's from your mom. So tacky. Plan on getting everything you need yourself. Presents sent from back East are icing on the cake.

nooniesgal

I have to agree that an announcement after the baby is here is the only way to go (without any registry info of course).  I just don't know how I would respond to a "there is not a shower, but send a gift anyway" invite no matter how properly or politely it was worded. 

 

EastCoastBride

If I were to get something like this, I would possibly give LESS or even nothing at all.  I truly would find getting something like that offensive and yes, the mom-to-be would probably suffer from it.

your mom needs to realize that people who want to give gifts WILL w/o being told to do so. 

And while she had no problem w/ it and may know others who don't, she needs to realize that many people WILL have a problem w/ it and it may actually backfire.

ashccollins

I went through something similar when I got married with faraway family and obligatory invites. Instead of sending something that said "buy us gifts on this list from here", we just sent invites and people who wanted to purchase something called a closer family member and asked where we were registered. There comes a time when you have to say no. Maybe just a cute little announcement with your due date...it's a fine line...I agree that there's really not a GOOD answer

sheparli

I think a birth announcement would be best after the baby gets here, and with no registry info. I agree with the others that I would think you were just wanting me to send a gift and so I wouldn't.

melody921

pam1005:

Announcements after the baby is born is the only thing I can think of.  Anything before is really not appropriate.  If people want to buy you something have your mom tell them where you are registered.  

This. If I received this, I would think it was a gift grab since it's asking for stuff without the giver getting the chance to even spend any time with the mom-to-be.

QueenQ08

I do agree with everyone that wrote that mentioning where you are registered would be tacky.

 An alternative idea:

My cousin and his wife live out of state from the rest of the family.  When his wife was pregnant, the family decided to throw her a shower although she could not be there.  The baby shower was just like any other with games, gifts, etc., and we passed around a video camera to take turns recording the shower.  Then, all the presents were placed in a box along with the shower video and sent to my cousin and his wife.  It was entertaining for her to see how goofy we all were at the shower and she got to see how much we care about her. 

DaniLovesPink

While sending out an announcement is fine, and probably appreciated by most people who won't have a chance to meet the baby face to face immediately, I think it's utterly tacky to send out a solicitation for gifts, which is ultimately what this is.  I would let your mom know you are not comfortable with that and you will not have anything to do with something like that being sent out.  I'm sorry, but you would totally be that girl that everyone talks about whenever a baby shower is brought up.  And, it wouldn't be a good thing.

iheartnutella

I agree with all PP - a) not sure what "invite" would be sent to people if none of them live close enough to come to a shower, b) the only thing that can be tactfully sent is a birth announcement after the birth, no mention of gifts.  If people want to get you something, they will ask where you are registered or what you might like.  Gifts are not mandatory, they are a gesture from someone who wishes to give one.  I would just put it to your mom that way, and that while you appreciate her trying to help you out, it will make you look bad and therefore have the opposite of the intended effect.

Tulip370

Thanks ladies, I completely agree with all of you.  My mom agreed today to not send out any announcements to those who I am uncomfortable with if it is what I would like.  She said she would send an email to some of my close aunts and my grandparents who have already asked about our registry, but let them spread the info word-of-mouth.  I flat out told her I didn't want people to feel like I am asking for gifts, which is essentially what it is, especially for my college friends and DH's family who have no idea who my mom is.  Those who want to send gifts will ask us and do not need to be told via a ghost shower invite. 

I told my DH all of this and told him he can let his parents know that there will be no 'formal invite', and to spread registry info word-of-mouth to those who ask.

I know I would feel obligated if I got something like this in the mail and with the economy being bad, I would feel even worse if I could not oblige.

Thanks for the feedback!