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Parenting
Being a young mom: good or bad?
I'm curious for those of you who had a baby young (I'm talking under 24), were you glad you chose to be a mom at that age or do you regret it? I'm especially wanting to hear from people who are (or were) married. What did you like about it and what didn't you like? If you could do it over again would you or do you wish you'd waited longer?
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Re: Being a young mom: good or bad?
I got married at 19, bought a house at 20, and had our first son at 21. I will turn 25 in a few days and we have three kids. We are planning on having our final child this year. I have mixed emotions about how we chose to do things.
Sometimes I feel like we missed out on a lot, I was in college when we got married, but I never finished. I REALLY wish we had waited until I got my nursing degree. We really never got to experience the college lifestyle. Money is also very tight.
On the other hand, I love my kids. I can't imagine life without them. I will never regret having them. We will also be young when they graduate and move out. I am planning on going back to school when they start kindergarten.
It is a personal choice. It is so hard to raise children, but it is worth it. You just have to be prepared to sacrifice a lot. But, it is not all sacrifices. There are plenty of rewards.
I had my son at 19 and did the single mom thing until I got married at 25. It was hard. I'm so lucky that my parents were willing and able to help us, I was able to finish college and get my degree. But its nearly impossible to start a career when you have a little kid at home. I couldn't work the long hours, couldn't take the business trips...I had to pass up several very good positions and take ones with flexible hours instead.
Its hard to raise a child when you're still pretty much a child yourself. Our generation is not like generations past....our grandparents may have had kids at 18 years old and did just fine. But past generations were a hell of a lot more mature and responsible than ours. Honestly, I don't understand why any young couple nowadays wants to get married and have kids. Live a little, have a career. Live alone. Drink and party and sow your wild oats. Then raise a family.
I was 18 when we got engaged, married 3 days after turning 21. We were going to wait to have kids after I finished school (to be a teacher) but found out 1 month before our wedding that dh has Chronic Mylogenious Leukemia. So that moved up our family planning. The only "real" goal/dream of mine was to get married and have a family. School/career was always second.
So with having the reality of possibly not being able to have kids (if dh had to go through Chemo that would make him sterile) we started TTC on our wedding night. We got pg with L by the end of the month. He was born May 2005 and I turned 22 that Aug. We failed at an attempt to not get pg and ended up with twins. I finished a semester of school while pg with L and had started classes when we found out we were having twins. That was in Nov. My dr. really suggested that I drop the fall semester so I did. He was worried how I would carry twins since I had just had a baby 4 mnths before getting pg again.
So, Im 26 have been married 5yrs and have 3 kids that are 4yrs and 3yrs old. We are havaing a hard time now but mainly because Dh is not working and trying to get disability. He is going to school so at least in another 1.5yrs we know he will be able to work doing something. He has no real job training other than in hard labor and with his CML and meds he takes his body just cant handle it. He is going to school for Computer Networking and Webpage design. Things he can do from a desk/easy on his body.
I will start school as soon as I figure out what the heck I want to be. Having kids of my own made me realize Im not one of those people who LOVE to be around other peoples kids. I thought I was. I really just wanted kids of my own. I still like other peoples kids, just dont want to be stuck in a room with them for 8hrs a day, 5days a week.
Im thinking that I am going to check out radiology to do xrays. I just need to find a school. The Comm. College I was going to doesnt offer the classes I need. There is one I know of but its a good 1.5hrs away. That is a long drive considering I will still be working and have 3 kids and a house to take care of etc.
We have not bought a house of our own yet. We were looking when we found out dh was sick. We were scared of what might happen and he didnt want to leave me with a house I couldnt afford on my own.
Things have a way of working out. We may not have tons of money but we manage and our kids dont go without. We have family that help and though I dont love that idea I am humble enough to realize we need the help.
I would much rather spend the next few years struggling then to not have had kids and never been able to. Some may not see it this way but I couldnt handle not being able to have kids with dh.
So thats my story as a young mother.
I don't regret it for a moment. I don't think I've missed out on anything in my life. I've known one thing since I was a kid: that I wanted to be a mom. As I got older, that's still all I ever wanted.
I have the rest of my life to do the things that people say you're going to miss out on (career, travel, etc). For now, I'm 150% happy in my decision to be a young mom. It's all what you make of it. Age doesn't make a parent.
I'm also going to add (after reading the other responses) that I was never a party-girl. I have always been mature, though I can see I've grown up a lot in the last couple of years. I didn't feel I was missing out on getting drunk every weekend, or banging someone new every Friday night. I honestly do not regret any single action we've taken to be where we are now. We've had our struggles, but it's helped us grow. The world is not really geared towards young moms any more, but that's okay. I've made it work. And to be honest, I'm a damned good mom. It's my passion...raising my kids to be the best people they can be.
By the way, we were married at 20, I had my first right after I turned 22, my second right before I turned 23 (yes, 11 months apart), and my last one at 24.
Finishing college? I already kinda touched on that. I did finish 2 semesters of college, but there was nothing I wanted to do with my life at that point...besides be a mom. We decided instead of wasting money on an education that I most likely would not really use, I would quit school and start working to start saving for our future. I still don't know anything I want to do career-wise. I'm happy being with my children, teaching them, raising them.
Traveling? I have the rest of my life to travel. I figure at 50 when our house is empty, we'll have more money to travel, and will appreciate it more. It's also something we'll be doing quite a bit as a family, as part of our home-schooling. I've never sat here and felt sad that I haven't seen the world yet.
Ditto this!
I guess that I should clarify that when I said we missed out on the "college lifestyle" I was not talking about partying all the time and sleeping around. I was talking about being carefree and not being responsible for anyone but myself.
Totally hijacking this post (considering I had DS at 29), but LOL at some thinking the college lifestyle and what you miss out on it not going to college is about "getting druk and banging different guys". Wow - not so much what college is about and why it is important, and not so much why some would regret not going or why others feel it is an extremely important part of young adulthood.
I'm also going to add (after reading the other responses) that I was never a party-girl. I have always been mature, though I can see I've grown up a lot in the last couple of years. I didn't feel I was missing out on getting drunk every weekend, or banging someone new every Friday night.
This is what you think college is all about? I'm sorry but that does not sound like the response of a very mature person. I don't know where you are from but in my area people experience a lot more than just alcohol and "banging" when they choose to stay single in their 20's. Many of them did a$$loads of traveling, worked hard on advanced degrees, furthered intresting careers like being an analyst on CNN or working as a volunteer nurse in a 3rd world country. My mom was a young mom (21) and I was middle of the road at 28. But to think that starting a family young is an indicator that you are more mature strikes me as odd. I know many people who were mature in their 20's but chose one of the above route versus starting a family.
Just my 2 cents. Good luck with your decision!
Grace--that was in response to this:
Honestly, I don't understand why any young couple nowadays wants to get married and have kids. Live a little, have a career. Live alone. Drink and party and sow your wild oats. Then raise a family.
I have been with DH since we were 18 but we both graduated college and then he graduated med school before we were married. We had kids during his residency (I was 28 and 30 y/o) and for us this is ideal. I had a few years after college where I lived on my own and supported myself and was able to jump on career opportunities with no regard for anyone else (like trips to Hawaii for conferences). Those years living alone were not only enjoyable but taught me so much and also gave me the confidence that I can 'go it alone' if I ever find myself in such a situation. As it is now, I was laid off from my job and we are only on DH's income, but I do have a degree and could find employment if I wanted to. We were able to save money in those earlier years though to get our house and have a nice chunk of savings and now until he is done fellowship we can draw from that savings for me to stay home and send the girls to preschool in the mornings. Having that security in place is a big deal to me, and especially in today's economy.
I love my girls and I love being a mom more than anything, but I am very happy I got to experience the 'selfish years' as I refer to them. The years I could come and go as I pleased, go to the gym, buy a new expensive bag without thinking, hop on a plane and head somewhere with a friend, go out to nice dinners with DH, get him extravagent presents for his birthday. Those things are all on hold now and I'll get to do them again, but I'm glad I already had them and having kids in my late 20s (and early 30s for the next one or two) is ideal for us.
J2 11.17.08
Don't worry, I'm not planning on having a baby now. I wrote that right after I found out about my mom and it was in a moment of panic. We're waiting until she is done with treatment and know what the outlook is before we think about having kids. Since I'm only 21 though, even if I start TTC in a year or two I will still be a "young mom" and I was curious about the experiences others have had.