I feel like screaming (long)

noah-bear

I talked to my aunt last night. She asked how Christmas went (she knew I m/c Christmas Eve) I told her good, but painful. Her response "Were you sick?" All I could muster up was "uh, no". Then after that, she tried to change the subject and we hardly spoke after that.

Today, I went to the breastfeeding clinic just to ask questions. There was a new girl there who I've never seen. I told her what was going on. She kept interrupting to say how sorry she was. I kept trying to ignore it and continue with my questions. Then three other LC's who were there kept giving me pitty looks, one avoided me completely and two kept rubbing my back and shoulders.

Then my grandmother, who went two two miscarriages herself, wont even talk about it or give me advice or anything. I want to talk to her about it, but tonight, she asked how I was. I told her I was good physically but I've been down the last few days. All she said? "It will get better". Thanks.

Everyone else wont even say anything. Most of my "friends" are avoiding me. The only real person, other than DH, who will talk to me about it and not try to give me ultimate answers is my neighbour. She lost her LO at the same point in pregnancy. Everyone else makes me feel so unimportant.

Oh, and my biitchy office manager in our apartment complex, yeah she's pregnant. Has sonogram pics up, always talking pregnancy stuff and keeps rubbing her belly.

Grrrrrr

/vent
 

Klmorgan83

I'm sorry

I think most people don't know what to say, or are afraid that will say something that hurts us, so they avoid the topic all together.  I think a lot of people, including myself, want to talk about it.  It makes me feel better to get out my how I'm feeling and not keep it bottled up. 

When people don't ask how I'm doing I just want to yell at the "I just lost a baby, don't you remember that!"  But I don't because the topic just seems to make people uncomfortable.  It's only been a month since our loss and I feel like people have already forgotten that it happened.

lindsay.lou

I'm so sorry.

Regarding your grandmother, I want to share an experience I had today. My dad's friend lost his mother the day after Christmas. I ran into him today and he was with two other guys. I said the usual "hi, how are you?" and I was thinking in my head:

'do I saw something about his mom? What if his friends he's with don't know? What if I say something and he gets upset? What if he gets embarassed? Do I console him if he gets upset?'

Basically, I froze and ended up not saying anything. I'm so pissed at myself. His MOTHER died and I never said sorry. I flaked and I regret it.

My point is: people panic and don't know what to say. I suggest you bring it up to her. Tell her how you feel. I would bet she'll be relieved that YOU bring it up and she'll have a lot to say (hopefully)
 

hking76

I think people just don't know what to say, so they fumble through it with some cliche or don't say anything because they don't want to say the wrong thing - I know I used to prior to this when I was on the other side of the fence.  Which quite honestly, I don't know about anyone else, but there are times that no matter what someone says, it just hits me wrong and I'll fume over what they "should've said".  We were at my DHs best friend's house last night, and DH's BF's wife said she was sorry for our loss (very kindly), and his BF shifted in his seat and said he wanted to say something but he didn't know what to say.  It was very honest of him (total manly man, so his vulnerability was extra shocking), and I so appreciated it, but I do  think thats how a lot of people feel.

ikissedthecook

I understand. I get a lot of two things at my office that really irk me. I either get people who want a play-by-play of the details which I don't feel comfortable recounting with them because I don't know them that well. Or I get a lot of avoidance and pity looks. I find myselves repeating the same old cliches that we hate to comfort them just to get them to stop staring at me and looking so darn uncomfortable. I just want to be treated like a normal human being again! While I understand that they just don't know what to say, it doesn't make it any better really. I guess this too shall pass.

petrpn1313

I'm sorry that this happened to you.  Maybe my feelings are still raw or numb but my best friend asked me if I wanted to go to Iowa with her for NYE and the remainder of the weekend the day I had my miscarriage which was only 3 days ago.  REALLY!?!?!  I actually laughed because right now I don't even have the energy to be mad.  I truly don't think people know how to react or what to say which seems to only make it harder.

VivianLee

I'm so sorry!!  I don't have a lot of people to talk to about my m/c either and it is so hard.  Those who do talk to me do not understand at all and I keep getting the "It's all in God's hands" and "You're still young, you'll have another baby" and my favorite "I've been praying for this baby but I also prayed that if something was wrong with this baby that God take care of it". WTF!!!  This was MY baby! And I keep trying to avoid all talk about Christmas because I keep lying by saying how great it was.  I agree with pp, peole don't now how to react or what to say and it only makes things worse.  HUGS!! 

michrocc

I completely understand.  My ILs have completely ignored our loss - no cards, no emails, no visits (they live in our city), and when we saw them the next time no one said a word.  It still hurts and I still feel betrayed. 

I think that I feel a duty to my LO to keep his/her memory alive.  So each time someone does or says something nice, anything at all, I feel like my baby is loved and missed.  Likewise, when people act like nothing ever happened, I feel almost guilty, like I want to assure him/her that I'll never forget them, even if the whole world does.  DH and I talk about it a lot.