s/o of childlessness & grief (long & maybe flameworthy)
lindsay.lou
member
:::deep breath::: I appreciate the love and support I've gotten on this board over the last month tremendously. I sincerely hope I don't hurt anyone's feeling with this post because it's not my intention. My intention here is to try to give those women who had healthy babies before their loss(es) some insight into how we (childless) feel about our loss(es). I think it would be helpful because the topic is discussed a lot on here. These are my feelings and mine alone, I don't presume to speak for everyone in my situation.
This is my feeling regarding pregnancy loss and whether or not one already has children: I do not think in any way that already having a child makes it less sad to lose one. That doesn't make sense. Losing a brother is painful even if you have another brother. Losing a mother is painful even if your dad is still alive. Catch my drift?
With that said, my biggest, ultimate fear in life is never being able to have any children with DH and us remaining childless. Women who already have children simply don't have to live with the fear of being childless. That doesn't make their loss less sad or painful, but it is a separate, different element of grief that they (luckily) don't have to deal with.
In a study published in the Journal of the American Medical Association, doctors found that the risk for a major depressive episode in the 6 months following a miscarriage was substantially higher for those miscarrying women who had no children.
So I think that if I were to have one healthy child, and go on the have a second m/c after that, I would be just as sad over the loss of the child, but that sadness would be, yes, easier to deal with because I wouldn't be dealing with the sadness coupled with the fear of never having a child.
Re: s/o of childlessness & grief (long & maybe flameworthy)
Well said. I think you will find that many agree with you.
Thanks for sharing.
To be perfectly honest, the anxiety over whether or not I'll ever be able to have a child consumes my thoughts on a daily basis way more than the sadness over my loss. I feel so guilty saying that...and sort of selfish. But I can't help the way I feel. I think you're right that it's a peace of mind kind of thing.
I also lurk constantly on TTC after a loss but again find it hard to hit the post button because I feel like I should keep quiet since I do have one blessing. In that way I feel like I don't "belong" anywhere.
Sorry didn't mean to hijack your post!!
Oh honey, let me tell you! AF was over on Christmas morning. Got to work Christmas afternoon, had a full on anxiety attack even had to take a Xanax! The only thing I could figure out was that AF was over and it was time to start trying again (after the waiting period imposed by Dr and vaccines I had to update) and I am SCARED!!!!
OK, so I don't want to offend anyone either, but here I go. When I was pg with DS I had a LOT of bleeding. I passed clots, filled pads, the whole nine yards. I was told that I was miscarrying. I had two sets of blood work done and it took about 10 days from the time I was told I was having a m/c until my OB called me with the results of the second set of blood work. In those 10 days, I cramped and bleed off and on. I spent that 10 days with the belief that I had a m/c. I grieved, I cried, I mourned, I feared never having a baby. Fortunately, when the blood work came back, my levels were doubling. U/S confirmed that I was indeed pg. We still had a scary 1st tri as I had some other issues, but we are now blessed with DS.
Toward the end of September I had a surprise BFP. We were estatic. A week after my BFP, I started to spot. I initially thought it wasn't a big deal as that is how things started out with DS. Well, things got much worse, my OB said in all likelihood I was having a m/c and after more blood work, a m/c was confirmed.
I can tell you with 100% certainty, that the sadness was infinitely greater for me in September than it was in 2008. I have theories as to why, but am uncomfortable sharing them here. All I can say, is I recognize your fear of never having a child. I hope that everyone one here is blessed with a child one day. But, I have fears too. I am afraid that I have changed as a person and that I am not the same mother that I once was. I have fears about how my bad days effect DS.
As much as appreciate your fear of never having a child, a loss is not easier to deal with just because you already have a child.
This makes me so sad! Post away! If you really do lurk, you'll see that there are TONS of women who already have kids on both boards and we're all very supportive of each other. Especially TTCAL (I say *especially* only because I post more there so I'm more familiar with the dynamic).
I really really urge you to be more active, the support you get is unmatched.
I'm so sorry for your loss and thank you for sharing your story. Just to be clear (so the post doesn't go in the wrong direction), I never said sadness over a m/c is greater when you already have a child.
I agree.
I know if I did not already have a child that I would be consumed with thinking will I ever have a child. But I know I can carry a child, but now I'm comsumed with the fear of can I ever get pregnant again? I had an ectopic, so I'm terrified that my tube is now damaged, or that it will happen again since my risk goes up. My fears are different, my grief is different, but it will never be easier.
No need to clarify. My post should have read that my sadness was infinitely greater and more difficult to deal with.
I don't want this post to go in the wrong direction either. It's a very calm discussion of the differing feelings that we all have.
I can definitely understand what you mean. My first pregnancy resulted in a missed m/c. My second pregnancy was successful. My third, fourth, and fifth pregnancies have been unsuccessful.
After my first m/c, I worried that I would never be able to have a child. It was my greatest fear. Then, I became pregnant with DS, and I was terrified throughout my pregnancy.
Now, my greatest fear is that I may not be able to ever have any more children. Does it compare to how I felt after my first m/c? Absolutely. Is the pain the same? Absolutely. Many people assume that women who have had children should be grateful for what they have. I am, but that doesn't lessen the pain. I can never be the happy-go-lucky pregnant woman. I am never happy when I find out I am pregnant. I am terrified. Having had a successful pregnancies does not change that.
I do feel for women who have m/c and have no living children. I've been there. Having been on both sides, for me, the pain is still the same.
This is my fear. Four out of my five pregnancies has resulted in a m/c. The doctors just kept saying that we were having bad luck. What if we just got extraordinarily lucky when I was able to have DS? What if he is not the rule but the exception?
Like I said in my OP, I agree 100%.
I think most people agree with your entire post, but some may find this part diffuclt to deal with.
Those of us do that do have a child know how lucky we are to already have a child, and I'm sure greatly wish that those of you who don't will get to experience it. I know personally a lot of my sadness is driven by the fear that I will never be able to give DS a sibling and I feel guilty for that. And I feel guilty for wanting to crawl up in my bed and shut the door, and spending time thinking about the baby I lost and not giving my DS 100% of me.
In the end, the truth is that we're all grieving a loss... but the losses all bring different fears and worries, all of which are completely valid.
I shouldn't say valid I guess, because I know you understand that we are all hurting no matter if we already have a child or not, I guess I just mean that the grass isn't always greener on the other side.
I think the pain is relative. It's like saying the pain of losing a child at 6 months is greater than losing a child at 6 weeks. You can't know someone elses pain, you can only speculate.
For me, having a living child did not make my losses any easier to bear. If anything it made it worse.
Me too. I will love the baby I lost for the rest of my life. But part of my grief will disappear the day I hold my healthy child in my arms.
Baby Boy Smudgie born 10/4/11
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I am feeling the same way. At this point I don't know if I'll ever be able to have a child and it scares me and makes me very depressed.
I understand. I am terrified that I'll never be able to carry a baby for DH and I to term, leaving us childless. Thank you for posting - you explained it very eloquently even though it is a very difficult discussion.
This is also what preoccupies me...I miss my LO like crazy, yet I find myself constantly wondering if I'll ever have any child at all. And it's terrifying.
I hear a lot of women who already have children saying things like "I hold it in to be strong for my DS or DD..." I think that, for women who already have children, this must be incredibly tough. The "holding it in" part of grief is not something I personally have to do, and I can't imagine how painful it must be to have to explain to your children why their baby brother or sister went away. I dunno - I guess I'm just trying to say that the grief is unbearable for all of us on many levels.
I hear a lot of women who already have children saying things like "I hold it in to be strong for my DS or DD..." I think that, for women who already have children, this must be incredibly tough. The "holding it in" part of grief is not something I personally have to do, and I can't imagine how painful it must be to have to explain to your children why their baby brother or sister went away. I dunno - I guess I'm just trying to say that the grief is unbearable for all of us on many levels.
For me, it made it more difficult having a child.
The first few days home from the hospital I couldn't even look at my ds. Ella was the spitting image of him and looking at him broke my heart.
I also didn't have the luxury of being able to all out grieve. I had to time my grief so as not to scare my son.
Having a child doesn't make it easier. It's just a different kind of pain in my opinion.
I agree with the OP- having children does nothing to diminish the pain of a loss. On that, I think, we ALL agree.
Her point is that for those of us who have had no successful pregnancies and multiple losses, it becomes an increasing possibility that we will never have a child. Ever. Not one. It doesn't make our pain MORE, it just makes it different. That's what I think she was saying, and I feel that fear as well.
I have to respectfully disagree with you. While I completely understand your fears and would have felt the exact same why if I miscarried my first pregnancy, I do not feel anyone's grief is "higher".
Before I explain my position, let me say that I am very sorry you had a miscarriage. I think losing a baby is the worst feeling ever, and one a lot of people don't understand. My thoughts are with you.
My story: my dh always wanted one child (he is an only child himself), even though I wanted one more I could never convince him. Then when our dd got older she started asking for a sibling. She would tell us she wanted a baby, or even sometimes say she wanted either a brother or sister. She would talk to us about how nice it would be. My dh changed his mind because of her. We got pregnant and because I was so blissfully naive I immediately told my dd. I even took her to all of my doctor's appointments with me and she saw the "healthy" ultrasounds. We were ecstatic as a family! Then one day we went for our NT ultrasound and found out the baby had no heartbeat, we were all caught off guard. My dd was 3 years old and was old enough to ask a lot of questions. We had to explain to her over and over several times a day almost every day what happened. She would ask us if this meant she couldn't have a brother/sister. I had to now honestly say I don't know, but we'll keep trying. I too was afraid I wouldn't be pregnant again. I was afraid of letting down my daughter. She cried for weeks, I couldn't cry...I didn't want to make her pain worse. I was strong for her, but unable to heal myself. When we finally did become pregnant again I was too protective of her to tell her right away. What used to be our family joy turned into our family secret. I snuck out to doctor's appointments and talk in code around her when people asked me how I was. We finally got to the point in the pregnancy where we had to tell dd, but then she had trouble bonding with the new baby. She was protecting her own feelings. She would ask if this baby was a "sick baby" too or if the baby would be born to heaven like her other brother/sister. We did not enjoy our pregnancy the way we should have. We had a fear of not getting pregnant again, disappointing our young daughter, and losing another baby. We were also secretly grieving the loss of our second child.
Again, I'm not saying what I went through is worse. I just want to show you that there are different worries and grieving processes for each type of loss.
Again, I don't think the OP was saying her grief is more than someone else's. She is saying that the fear of never having any children adds a different dimension to her grief. It's not MORE, it is DIFFERENT. At least, that is how I am reading this.
I know Lindsay. She is not the kind of person that thinks her loss is more valid because she doesn't have living children. Clearly something is being lost in the reading of this post.
I think that all of us with children completely understand where the OP is coming from, and I know I completely agree with and understand her fear of possibly never having a child. I can't even imagine what that feels like, and I think all of us acknowledge how hard that must be for those that don't have children.
I think this part: "I would be just as sad over the loss of the child, but that sadness would be, yes, easier to deal with" is what people may be reacting to, at least for me that is the only part I have an issue with. We're just trying to explain how it isn't easier, it's just different.
You're right. It is just different. I think in my mind (and I'm just being completely honest here), I think to myself 'it must be easier.' But I think it's just the grass-is-always-greener complex. Many of the challenges you ladies with children have detailed in this thread are things I hadn't even considered. It's easy for me to think someone else's challenges are easier to deal with then my own because I haven't actually had to deal with them, I've only *imagined* what it's like to deal with them. kwim? Anyways, this whole thread has been an eye opener for me, and I hope it has for others.
^This! After having had several miscarriages since my second child was born, it's really hard to feel like I can be happy when I get a BFP. I've turned into a pessimist, I'll admit it. I think the hardest thing is wondering what is wrong with me. It's not like I haven't had two kids already, so what's the problem? That's something that eats at me constantly. I'm eternally grateful that I don't have to live with the "will I ever have kids" question, but I still do have others.
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