DH is...

JoBieger05

not nice. I guess this fight has been coming for awhile, but I was hoping to avoid it. This morning I asked him if he was going to get breakfast for himself would he mind getting me a biscuit and bringing it to me at work. Notice I said "if he was getting himself something." Well, he got ALL mad at me saying "yes he would get up and rush so he could bring me food." I told him nicely not to worry about it. But, he very un-nicely said that he was going to. 

So I get home from work and he leaves to go golfing with is uncle. He doesn't ever want to spend time with me. He used to, but now it's either he's golfing, shooting pool, playing cards at his aunts, or at work. He just texted me and said "I'm sorry. I'm not a good husband. I'll let you get back to your life. Is that what you want? I didn't marry you to quit on it. I don't know what you want from me." All I want is time with my husband. We haven't even been sleeping in the same bed all night. He doesn't understand. Things were easier last year when he was gone. I know I may regret saying this, but if he got deployed tomorrow that may be the best thing for our marriage.

I don't know what to do  

Thanks for reading and letting me vent. 

radiokate

I think you need to have a serious heart to heart with him, maybe even try talking to someone like a counselor or something. If he doesn't want to spend time with you now, what happens when the baby is here? That discussion definitely needs to happen first, as you have a lot of changes ahead of you.

I hope everything works out for the best.

bonnin507

Maybe he's trying to get as much golf, cards, etc in now because he knows once LO arrives he won't be able to as much.  Not that it excuses him being a jerk, but I'm sure today is just a bad day.  We go through times where we don't spend as much time together for whatever reason & then we come back together again.  But I know how it feels when you're not together & you feel like something is wrong.  Give it some time & I'm sure it'll come around.

robinsokj

Things are only going to get more difficult once the baby comes.  You have no choice but to confront him about it (without seeming confrontational) or its not going to be resolved.

JoBieger05

radiokate:

I think you need to have a serious heart to heart with him, maybe even try talking to someone like a counselor or something. If he doesn't want to spend time with you now, what happens when the baby is here? That discussion definitely needs to happen first, as you have a lot of changes ahead of you.

I hope everything works out for the best.

Having a serious conversation with him is like pulling teeth And he's very hard to get to sit in one place to have a conversation with. Sigh. I do think we need something. We rarely see each other now. We work very different schedules. And when we're both off he's off doing whatever he wants.

robinsokj

JoBieger05:

radiokate:

I think you need to have a serious heart to heart with him, maybe even try talking to someone like a counselor or something. If he doesn't want to spend time with you now, what happens when the baby is here? That discussion definitely needs to happen first, as you have a lot of changes ahead of you.

I hope everything works out for the best.

Having a serious conversation with him is like pulling teeth And he's very hard to get to sit in one place to have a conversation with. Sigh. I do think we need something. We rarely see each other now. We work very different schedules. And when we're both off he's off doing whatever he wants.

Difficult or not, it needs to be done.  Theres no getting around that

JoBieger05

robinsokj:

Things are only going to get more difficult once the baby comes.  You have no choice but to confront him about it (without seeming confrontational) or its not going to be resolved.

I know  It's hard to confront him without seeming like that's what I'm doing. He makes things so difficult. We have the conversation about how he doesn't want to spend anytime with me about once a month and it gets better for like a week. Then it's back to how things were before. Grrr.

rhabel

I'm sorry you're going through this.  I agree with the pp who said he might be getting some time in before LO arrives.  And I don't know the details of his last deployment, but is it possible that he's suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder? It's not uncommon for servicemen who have been deployed to develop this.  I think having a heart to heart is a great idea, especially if you've seen a pattern of behavior that is not typical for him developing and think he may need to see a psychiatrist or counselor. Good luck! <hug>

JoBieger05

bonnin507:

Maybe he's trying to get as much golf, cards, etc in now because he knows once LO arrives he won't be able to as much.  Not that it excuses him being a jerk, but I'm sure today is just a bad day.  We go through times where we don't spend as much time together for whatever reason & then we come back together again.  But I know how it feels when you're not together & you feel like something is wrong.  Give it some time & I'm sure it'll come around.

That's what I was hoping too. But knowing him he'll just take LO with him to golf. He really can be a jerk. A very big jerk. Today was a very bad day 

robinsokj

JoBieger05:

bonnin507:

Maybe he's trying to get as much golf, cards, etc in now because he knows once LO arrives he won't be able to as much.  Not that it excuses him being a jerk, but I'm sure today is just a bad day.  We go through times where we don't spend as much time together for whatever reason & then we come back together again.  But I know how it feels when you're not together & you feel like something is wrong.  Give it some time & I'm sure it'll come around.

That's what I was hoping too. But knowing him he'll just take LO with him to golf. He really can be a jerk. A very big jerk. Today was a very bad day 

Was he always a jerk?

JoBieger05

rhabel:

I'm sorry you're going through this.  I agree with the pp who said he might be getting some time in before LO arrives.  And I don't know the details of his last deployment, but is it possible that he's suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder? It's not uncommon for servicemen who have been deployed to develop this.  I think having a heart to heart is a great idea, especially if you've seen a pattern of behavior that is not typical for him developing and think he may need to see a psychiatrist or counselor. Good luck! <hug>

He was GREAT after he got back in June. It was so nice. I guess that was just because he'd been gone and we were still very much newlyweds. But, even now we've only been married a year and two months. But, he's different. I miss the old DH  the one who would surprise me with sweet little emails or just pop into work just because. I am going to try to have a serious conversation with him. I hope it works out the way I'm planning because knowing me I will just burst out crying uncontrollably. LoL.

JoBieger05

robinsokj:

JoBieger05:

bonnin507:

Maybe he's trying to get as much golf, cards, etc in now because he knows once LO arrives he won't be able to as much.  Not that it excuses him being a jerk, but I'm sure today is just a bad day.  We go through times where we don't spend as much time together for whatever reason & then we come back together again.  But I know how it feels when you're not together & you feel like something is wrong.  Give it some time & I'm sure it'll come around.

That's what I was hoping too. But knowing him he'll just take LO with him to golf. He really can be a jerk. A very big jerk. Today was a very bad day 

 

Was he always a jerk?

Oh no. DH and I grew up together and he has always been this quiet fun loving guy who would give me the moon just to make me happy. I don't know what's happened to that guy. But, I miss him.

MrsHollyMetesh

This might sound trite, but try maybe writing him a letter? He can't walk out on a letter, and that way you can control what he hears without worried about starting another fight. I'm a BIG fan of letters :-)

SissyKate21

JoBieger05:

...He doesn't ever want to spend time with me. He used to, but now it's either he's golfing, shooting pool, playing cards at his aunts, or at work.

...All I want is time with my husband.

...Things were easier last year when he was gone.

I'm sorry you had a fight. It always hurts when I feel distant from my DH. 

Here's my advice:

You said "He just doesn't understand." You are right. He's a man. He doesn't naturally understand the needs of his wife. But don't give him a list of things that you need (All he will hear is "You are not good enough").

Try this...

You say "All I want is time with my husband". You listed a bunch of fun things that he's doing. I think you should tell him that you want to go do some of these fun things together. Not talking and being all serious...just hanging out and having fun together - being the friends that you used to be. (Unless, maybe, you really meant that you want to have time with your husband - on your terms.)

Try it out. Tell him that you want to go shoot some pool or play cards or go to a movie or whatever fun thing he's doing. Even if you're not good at it - just do it to be by him. 

Also, you said things were easier last year when he was gone. Of course it was! You probably missed him terribly, but when your husband isn't around, you don't actually have to work on your marriage!  You know it's hard work, and it will only get harder. Sometimes, the hard part is meeting HIS needs before yours are met. (Okay, that's not sometimes hard...that's always hard)

He probably misses his friend, his wife. Right now, you are probably focused on becoming "mom". Let loose a little and hang out with your hubby. It'll do you both some good.

  Hope this helps...and T&P to you that y'all kiss and make up. (Heck, throw in some sexy-time and he'll be a happy hubby!)

robinsokj

I agree with the letter.  I've had to do this before and it really helped.

MrsEmm

you want more time with him but you wish he would get deployed??

Sounds like you need to figure out what exactly you need & let him know. He apologized now, let him know what it is you want and move on. Like PPs mentioned it will get more challenging once a baby is here so you need to be on the same team starting NOW.?

What do you do while he golfs & plays cards? Maybe finding some hobbies that you like to do that dont require DH would be a good idea. Also - If you want to spend more time with him set up some stuff. Rent a DVD, plan a date nite, make dinner reservations - etc etc. You cant expect him to read your mind - be proactive, speak up about hwat you want & go from there.

JoBieger05

Thanks for all the replies and advice ladies. I really appreciate it. I think I will try the letter. If I do that then I won't have to talk and risk crying and crying. I have gone golfing with him. He even got me my own golf clubs. And I only used them once. I asked if I could go, but he said well I was going to take Steve. And I used to go shoot pool with him all the time, but then he said he'd rather take his uncle. So I gave up.

I did miss him like crazy when he was gone and all I wanted was for him to be home. I know I must sound crazy. I sound crazy to myself. Sigh. 

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JoBieger05

jenstiles:

you should schedule a date night and not worry about any of this stuff.  he'll probably remember how much fun he has spending time with you and will want to do it more often.  a lot of times guys focus so much on how everything is changing when a new baby is on the way.  if he sees that your relationship doesn't have to change, it'll probably help him deal with the other changes.

I told him that's what I'd like to do. So hopefully that will work. I hope he does remember how much fun we had. 

MTClaire

Not to say you're not being a good wife - that's not at all what I'm saying - but maybe think about whether there's something you're doing that's making him not want to hang out with you.  Are you nagging him?  Do you complain a lot?  Try to focus on how YOU can be a better wife to him.  Act like his girlfriend, not his wife.  Try to be more fun.  Try to make him want to hang out with you.  I know this sounds Dr. Laura-ish, but when I find myself griping about DH, there is usually something I have done to contribute to the situation.  So maybe just focus on what you can do to make him happier, to make him really want to be around you.  If you're always boring, complaining, tired, nagging, etc., he will not want to be around you.  Heck, I wouldn't either!    Good luck!