What to say to friend who had a suprise baby w/DS?

JOEBunny

My friend had a baby with Down Syndrome.  We had a whole conversation after her 11 week NT screen about her odds, her's were 1 in 600, compared to mine with DS 1 in 3.  She got the one and it is a complete suprise.  He is also 4 weeks early.  I don't want to ignore it, which seems sort of "elephant in the room", but I guess I could?   She is not my best friend, but we have known each other for 3 years and gone out a number of times. 

august06mom

I don't have a child with SN, so someone who does could probably better answer this, but I would "ignore" it until she brough it up, if she did at all. I would congratulate her on her baby, ask her how he's doing, and ask her if she needs anything or any help. If she wants to talk to you about it, you can lend an ear, but I wouldn't bring it up otherwise. Just give your congrats on what is most likely a beautiful baby.

belle204

i would just congratulate her on her baby and let her know you are there if she needs anything -- same as you would with anyone who has a baby. follow her cues & if she wants to talk about it b/c she is having a hard time then do. i think it depends a lot on the person so you have to feel it out. i don't feel the need to bring up things like that b/c i see a child not a disability. hou might want to ask cooker or on the special needs boards to get an answer from someone who has been in her position.

JOEBunny

She did "bring it up".  She sent me an email with the info on the baby, pictures, and the DS. 

ali-1411

JOEBunny:

She did "bring it up".  She sent me an email with the info on the baby, pictures, and the DS. 

Then I would mention it.  Maybe say something like, you can understand if she's having some complicated emotions right now and you are there to offer support in any way she might need.

And offer lots of congratulations and lots of compliments on the beautiful baby. 

amiamish

ali-1411:

JOEBunny:

She did "bring it up".  She sent me an email with the info on the baby, pictures, and the DS. 

Then I would mention it.  Maybe say something like, you can understand if she's having some complicated emotions right now and you are there to offer support in any way she might need.

And offer lots of congratulations and lots of compliments on the beautiful baby. 

I think that sounds right.

summerbrideDC

Um.  I'd say "congratulations on your beautiful baby!"

Sarahpep

Hi. One of my best friends had a 'surprise' DS baby, and all DH and I said to her was that he is one of the most beautiful babies we'd ever seen, and how lucky he was to have such a wonderful mommy and daddy.

Throughout the beginning few weeks of the little one's life, my friend would call me in tears b/c shock was wearing off and reality was setting in. I assured her everytime that she could care for a SN baby, and that was what she was meant to do. Years later, she told me that she found comfort in me just telling her that she could do this.

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summerbrideDC:

Um.  I'd say "congratulations on your beautiful baby!"

As a mom who had a baby with DS (we had some idea there was a possibilty due to markers and a heart defect but were not completely sure until she was born) I agree with the above.  Just tell your friend congrats.  Ask her how she is doing and how the baby is.  Since the baby is early I'd ask her about things are going with that.  Honestly, the baby is a baby.  I don't think there is any harm asking how his health is, if he doesn't have any medical issues then yippee. 

For me I just wanted to hear all the "regular" things people say when you have a baby. S/he is so cute, what pretty eyes, how is s/he sleeping, s/he looks like mommy/daddy/sibling, etc.  Regardless of the new journey she is embarking on she still just had a baby.  If she talks about the DS go ahead and acknowlegde it. Let her know regardless of any label put on her baby he will still be her baby and he will be adored and loved for who he is not what the label is. 

I honestly didn't tell many people.  Obviously my friends and family knew, and some co-workers.  I really just wanted to talk about my new baby not my baby with DS.  If someone asked I told them, but mostly people just didn't comment (and I don't think you could even tell but that is my biased opinion ).   As for the "elephant in the room" feeling don't be afraid to ask her how she is handling the news, but I would not say much else.  Unless she wants to talk about it.   I think it is perfectly okay to say something like "I know this was a shock to you but you will be great mom and he is lucky to have you".  Then just follow her cue.

JOEBunny

Thanks Ragdoll72.  I appreciate your point of view.  The baby is a premie, so I offered to watch her older DD if she needs to go to doctors appointments and to lend her my 4 pound car seat, since a lot of them start at 5.  Otherwise, I just said he is cute and l love his name and that babies are Joy in a blanket. 

I can't imagine what she is going through.  We have had some pretty in depth discussions about this in the abstract.  I hope the baby will be healthy and they can get all the services they need.