Anyone's child painfully shy?

mauceddie

And when should I worry about it? My mom thinks I should put my daughter in therapy...My just turned 4 year old is extremely shy. She will never respond to a stranger asking her a question ever, just hides her head in my lap. Today at church, instead of her regular Sunday school they had a children's mass and the parents were supposed to leave. Well there was no way she was letting go of me. Normally, she will go to her Sunday school teacher, but because the venue was different, she would not go to her today.She's been going to daycare for a year now. She's gotten much better there. For the first few months, I would have to leave her kicking and screaming. When I'd pick her up at the end of the day, she would be sitting on the teacher's lap, She would only play with the other kids if the teacher was involved. But she's come so far, she still hides under my coat when we walk in, but will run to her teacher and she's totally engaged and playing with the other kids when I pick her up. I am worried about her going to kindergarten next year. She'll have a new daycare (probably an in-home), a new school, and may have to take the bus, depending on which school she gets into. I can not imagine my child walking onto a bus and sitting down, unless an adult goes with her.  Ugh. I am so torn. I don't know what is normal shy, and what she may just overcome on her own as she matures, and what is just not normal.Anyone in a similar situation or have any advice? 

firefightersgal

I was horribly shy as a kid.  I used to hide behind my brother.  (Who is 18 months younger than me, and at one point, a whole foot shorter).  I would make him ask for things for me--like a refill on a drink.  I was super shy in school, too.  I still *can* be, but I can also be pretty bold.  (I perform, vocally, in front of people a *lot* and do a lot of other things that I never would have done when I was younger).  It is hard to overcome, but I think it is just some people's nature--no therapy needed, IMO.

jorie

She's a little younger than my DD (mine will be 5 in April), but mine was the exact same way at that age.  Exact.  I worried about it too, not b/c I wanted to have an outgoing child, but because I was afraid she'd suffer socially.  I'm perfectly fine having a child who is quiet (I am myself) but I want her to be confident and capable in social settings.

I don't use the word "shy" around Lydia anymore.  We made the mistake of doing that in the past and I think it was a label that she was trying to live up to.  

Despite her being shy, we continued to put her in social situations...dance class, Sunday school, a summer camp.  She would do fine, but never warmed up...even after 6 weeks in Sunday school, I'd pick her up and she was sitting right by the teacher while all the other kids were playing.  

She came up with a game and I think it was her way of coping.  She'd want to play school, and she insisted on being the shy student. As the "teacher" I would call on her and she'd practice answering.  She wanted to do this all the time.  After awhile, I didn't think it was all that healthy to keep calling herself the "shy student" so she had to just be a "student" and she'd continue to play that way.  From that, I learned that she really just wanted/needed practice to feel comfortable in social situations.  So before we'd go anywhere, I'd tell her what she could expect and we'd do some role playing.  I mean...she would even tell me she didn't want to go to the park b/c there would be other kids there.  It was that bad. 

We did other little things to boost her confidence and make her feel good about herself. When we went out to eat, we would ask her to tell the waitress what she wanted, instead of us ordering for her.  That was a huge step for her.  

I would give it some more time before you get too worried.  I wouldn't throw her to the wolves, but keep putting her in social situations so she can learn to get along.  Practice with her ahead of time and hopefully each time will get easier.

 
 

JOEBunny

I guess it depends on how the relationships she has are.  If she has good relationships with some people, even one person really, I would not be as concerned.  I have a friend whose son is 7 and he only has one friend, but he is a really good friend.  I do think that teaching children to be assertive with others can be a useful skill and I think if you are concerned, it might be worth a chat with a behavior phycologist to find ways that you can help her be more comfortable.  My DD is the opposite and would go up to an adult and introduce herself, but my MIL says that my (very successful) DH would not talk to anyone at 4.

kertybird

Yep!  We are trying really hard but she does not respond if someone comes up to her directly unless it is her grandparents and certain Aunts.  My SIL recommended we stop saying that she is shy as well.

jorie

I wanted to add one other thing.  If there is one child in her class that she gets along with, it might be helpful to have her over for a playdate.  We did that when Lydia started preschool and it helped her immensely.  She got to know her friend in a comfortable environment (our home) so it was an easy transition to connecting with her at school.

mauceddie

Thanks everyone. I am feeling better about the situation.

I was shy as well, and it was a pretty horrible existence right through university. I don't want her to suffer like I did.