Babies: 3 - 6 Months

Offended - would you say something? (long)

The women who work at my orthodontist's office (yes, I have braces again as an adult to make room for an implant, it's horrible) are all crazy about DD, they beg for pictures when I go in and they begged me to bring her there until I did. They all took turns playing with her in the lobby during my appointment.

All that's great, right?

Well this time I brought new pictures and they included pics of my DH, who is South American. He's half Guyanese (black) and half Indian. He has pretty dark skin. I never mentioned this to them, because why would I? DD is very light, but she looks like him just as much as me.

I live in a very liberal, reasonably diverse town, but my orthodontist is about 45 minutes away, in a town where I actually don't think I've ever seen a non-white person. 

When they saw the pictures, they were like, "Who is that?" and when I told them he was my husband, they commented on how handsome he is, but then two of them started making some weird comments.

One said, "Aren't you so glad her hair is smooth like yours?"

The other one said, "Well, she definitely can pass as white," and her tone didn't sit well with me, it's been sort of haunting me all day. It was the kind of tone you'd use, for example, if the baby's hair had fallen out and she had said, "Well don't worry, it'll grow back." Then they went on to ask me a million questions about me and DH, ("How did your parents react when they found out he was black?!", etc.)

I know they didn't mean any harm, and I guess it's not their fault that they aren't used to seeing families likes ours, but it's sticking with me. I'm bothered. 

I don't want to go on and on about how it makes me feel, I'm sure you can guess and I know many of you understand. It just makes me kind of sad that my family is seen as a novelty and that we'll all be answering questions our whole lives. I got used to staring long ago, before we were even married.

I'm not one of those overly defensive moms, and I have NEVER been the type to go looking for something to pissed about. I am very non-confrontational, and I get along with everyone.

Part of me wants to "educate them," but I don't know how to do that without sounding condescending or mad. I want them to know that I don't CARE what her hair looks like, and I don't WANT her to "pass as white."

The other part of me just wants to let it go. I'm getting my braces off in a couple of months, anyway.

Thank you if you read all that. Even if no one has any advice on what to say to them (or anyone), now or in the future, I think it helps just to get it out. 

 

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Re: Offended - would you say something? (long)

  • I don't know what I'd do but I just have to say that I am sad there are still people like this.
  • Wow....I live in a very large town and can not imagine that even happening here. I have no idea how I would react in the moment but I know it would not have been nice. Im so sorry that you had to deal with that really. Since it has passed this time I would not mention anything about it unless its brought up again. If they do say anything I would make sure they know exactly why what they are saying is NOT ok.
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  • I have no advice, but I am really sorry people are so close minded.
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  • Same problem here.  I decided long ago that I can't "fix" ignorance.  I just hope that people who may not have been exposed to multi-racial families become exposed to them because of my family. 
  • imagehowa0155:
    I just hope that people who may not have been exposed to multi-racial families become exposed to them because of my family. 

    That's a good point of view to have! I will try to adopt that. 

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  • You're a stronger woman than I. I think I would have laid into them about how rude they are. I'm sorry that you are asked such questions and stared at. That is so incredibly unwarranted and inappropriate!

    Hopefully they get their act together the next time you go in, otherwise I would educate them as you said.

  • I would be offended, and my heart goes out to you.

    It's not my situation, but a friend of mine is Indian, and her husband is white. They have 2 kids, one who has darker skin than the other. My friend said that occasionally she will get asked if her lighter skin daughter is adopted. My friend just laughed and responds: "What Indian family would adopt a white baby?"

    It's a slightly offensive response, but she says it usually makes the other person laugh or at least smile and hopefully realize how stupid they sound.

    My friend's perspective is that people don't mean ill... they usually are just ignorant of the insensitivity of their comments... So she usually turns the other cheek.

    Next time you go in, if anything more is said, perhaps you could say in a very nice way that your family isn't any different than their own.

  • I wouldn't say anything - it's one thing if you had said something as it was happening, it's totally different if you go back to it next time you are there.  I can understand why it would offend you though, and I don't think it was appropriate of them to say things like that.  I had a semi-similar thing happen at daycare... my husband is Mexican, I'm white as white can be... someone started making comments about how "are you at all worried about explaining things to your son since he'll be growing up in a bi-racial family"  I didn't even consider us bi-racial until she said something, and I don't know what exactly she thinks I need to explain to him - or if there was something that needed to be explained - why I would be worried about it... that's pretty much exactly what I said to her.
  • I think the best thing you can do is let it go, and then be ready with a comeback or know what you'd like to say next time something like that comes up.

    and (((((hugs))))))).

    I know, it sucks. I had roomates in college who'd a) never met a black person before and b) said they would never marry a black person because they wouldn't want their kids to be interracial. These were things said to my face. Ignorance sucks, and I'm sorry we still have to put up with it in 2009. *sigh*

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  • Sad I'm sorry you had to go through that. I would probably be offended as well. It is very sad that this still happens. I'm sorry, I have no advice, but I'm glad you could vent here.
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  • I would be offended. My BFF is white and her husband is Senegalese. I can laugh and make these kinds of "jokes" with them, but I would never ask personal questions like that to a stranger! I would just leave it at "your daughter is beautiful"!
    Um, yeah. The Bump be too crazy for pics of my kid.
  • imageTrixie6717:
    I don't know what I'd do but I just have to say that I am sad there are still people like this.

    This.  So sorry you had to deal with that.

  • I am sorry that you had to deal with such stupid people. I think that most people have good intentions and are just ignorant. And it is unfair that you have to educate them, but it makes the world a better place for your children when you do.

    I probably would have said something reactive in response to those comments and thought of a bunch of smart stuff to say later.

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  • I didn't know people still react like this. I grew up in pretty white hick town, but no on acted like this. I would be offended too.

    I also just wanted to say your daughter is really cute!

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  • i feel so bad that you had to go through this.  you want to know what shocks me more?  not the fact that people in a small town are so close minded, but that SO many people do not have a gage!  there are some things you just DON'T say!  it seems that ignorant people are also born without gages.
  • Thanks so much everybody, it feels really good just to vent.

    Next time, I'll say something. 

    Thanks again, ladies. ;)

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  • imageTrixie6717:
    I don't know what I'd do but I just have to say that I am sad there are still people like this.

    This... and I work out here in southern redneckville so I hear stuff like this every single day at work (I'm from "the north").  It's weird.

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  • imageTrixie6717:
    I don't know what I'd do but I just have to say that I am sad there are still people like this.


    this.
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  • I just wanted to say that I am sorry as well. I would have been pissed and those types of comments do not sit well with me either.

    My sister is black and we get looks all the time.

    Hang in there!

  • When I was pregnant I remember reading an article in Baby Talk, maybe, about this.  I think it's ridiculous that there are still people who think that way.  We live in such a diverse country, so it makes no sense to ask questions about how your parents reacted when they found out your BF was black and what not.  Also, who the hell cares???  The article made me so sad that people have to deal with that from others.
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