my story ~ this is hell (LONG, sorry)

just_peachy

my story:

I've been a "survivor" of depression/anxiety/nerves since my teens.  I had a few times in my 20's where I completely bottomed out and would deem them mental/nervous breakdowns.  All because my panic attacks took over my life and my anxiety overwhelmed me.  I've been classified as an "over-thinker"

Any time there is a bit of change in my life (even small changes that have impact) I go into a traumatic whirlwind of overstimulated fret and nerves and anxiety.

I cannot concentrate, and levels of adrenaline overwhelm me.  I lose focus (part ADD), I concentrate on only negative things (OCD) and just cry and make myself sick with worry.  There is absolutely nothing anyone can do to make me feel better because then I tend to be paranoid about whether or not to trust them.  These thoughts and feelings are automatic...like I cannot control them.

I would rate myself as a SEVERE sufferer...not just someone who has the occasional cry and bouts of nerves.  My psych wants to hospitalize me but that may be counterproductive for me.

{I've been on meds since 1994.  First Paxil for about 10 years, then I was on Effexor for about a year, then Cymbalta since 2008 (which I currently am taking and  have been on throughout my pregnancy...when.I learned I was pregnant and was told to go off of the Cymbalta within 4 days - I had another breakdown - Disassociation and Derealization Disorder, from it.  Finally my OB/GYN told my psychiatrist that I needed to go back on Cymbalta to level out...which I've been on since then}

The days and nights and times are completely off to me.  I don't know what day it is, what hour it is, how to even get up and walk to the restroom is labored for me....not just physically but I have to think about what I want to do - it's not automatic for me.

Every thought I question...then subquestion the question.  I dissect it to the bones and just have no answer.  Hard to explain.....

The only reason I'm able to post this is because I seem to be less disoriented and discombobulated at night (maybe cyclical?)....otherwise, I am like a brand new alien on this earth, learning to think and do most activities that others would have no problem with (like showering, eating, breathing, sleeping, etc.)

Every little things sets me off...my senses are heightened...noises are louder, smells are offensive, tastes are off....the times of day are exaggerated - cloudy skies look morbid and horrorific...sunny skies look too bright.

When I cry I am crying to the point of sheer dehydration and exhaustion.

Trying to communicate at all is like a ketchup bottle.  You turn it over and it comes to the top of the notch but nothing comes out...it's so full that it's too much....it has nowhere to go.  Such are my thoughts...too many, too quickly, too overwhelming, so where do I even begin to talk?  It's like I lost my voice, hearing and eyesight and I have to learn to communicate using some other form.

I'm probably not making much sense but to answer your question, PPD is, by far, the worst form of anxiety/depression I've ever had because now it's not about just me..it's about my baby.  That thought alone exacerbates everything so much more.  I'm not just worrying about myself and my maladies, I'm overwhelmed with fret and panic with my baby.

I'm 38 years old and this is my first (and, after this ordeal, probably only) child.  I'm staying with my parents for the last 11 days since they are on the first floor of a home and it's taking some time to heal from this unexpected C-section.  My family and husband have been my saving grace in all of this.

It's like I'm at the bottom of a well and all these hands are reaching down to pull me up but I can't grasp them (I can't see them or feel them) but I know they are there.

 I've seen my husband in a whole new light these past 12 days...my love has deepened on a whole new level for him - he's been saving my life one conversation and handhold at a time.

My parents, aunt, sisters are all helping me and the baby through this psuedo "death" of my senses.  I am so grateful for their love and help.

I wouldn't wish this hell on anyone.  I just keep thinking that this child is a ticket to more worries and endless suffering and fret for the rest of my life....For instance, I will only be worried over every little thing he does from now till forever..I won't be able to enjoy him, I'll just worry constantly.

To all who are suffering, God Bless you and may you start to feel some kind of support and relief soon.

farrellashleigh

hugs to you hun! one minute at a time, one hour at a time, one day at a time, one foot in front of the other. So glad you have a good support system around!!

nicole&carl

I am sooooo sorry you are going through this and it does sound like you have a great support system. All I can tell you is that everything will be fine and it will get easier as time goes on. I had a very hard time in the beginning and was finally put on Zoloft, which completely leveled me out. I suggest going out with other moms or some girlfriends without the baby to focus on yourself. And you and your DH need to go out just the two of you, too. I hope you start feeling better soon!!!! *HUGS*