So, pretty sure we've found the root of all of our nephew's issues...

LittleMamaB

since he has been here. His mother has been telling him that this is just temporary (telling him "just a while longer", "after 7th grade", etc.), while she has been telling us she wants him here until he graduates high school. So, she's manipulating all of us, including her fourteen year old son. I am livid, as is my husband. So, of course, our nephew has been doing everything he can to make us not want him here so that he can speed along this delusion his mother his mother is building in his head.

Thing is, she doesn't have a leg to stand on. She signed away her rights when he was four years old. He still visited her because, well, she's his mother. She doesn't have a job. She is the most selfish woman I have ever met. She only wants to be mom when it suits her. We are in the process now of getting an attorney to see what we need to do, and if it's even possible, for us to get custody (his father currently has legal custody, but isn't really fit either).  We have also sat our nephew down, spoken to him very openly and frankly, and told him that he is going to make the decision. Obviously, we are really hoping that he makes the (right) decision to stay with us, but we've come to the sad realization that there is nothing more we can do for him unless he decides he wants to fight for a better life himself. 

He is very aware that we caught his mother in a lie, and is extremely upset that she has been lying to him. He is also aware that he has a better chance of doing well if he stays with us. He knows it...he tells us. But, he loves his mother. I am just scared that his natural love for his mother is going to make him choose the wrong thing. 

Anyways, that's what's going on right now in a (fairly big) nutshell. I would really appreciate any positive thoughts you may want to throw our way.

Thanks for listening (again), and I also may DD later because, well, you know. 

 

AnnapolisLari

Well, thank God that you finally have something to pin it on!

I will say that catching his mom in a MAJOR lie like that might not sit all that well with him. I taught middle and high school, and lots of the "incorrigible" set were on my roster.

ALthough he loves his mom, kids that age are not cool with being lied to. They're old enough to know what a betrayal a major lie is, and young enough that Mom or Dad are still thought of as the ones who would never lie to them.

Good luck, and I hope that he makes the right decision.

katie277s

Fingers crossed that he makes the right decision. Thank goodness he has some stability in his life thanks to you and your DH.  Thought and prayers being sent your way.

MelandJeff

God, my heart literally aches for that kid. And you too, but mostly, for him.

 

emilykristene2006

Good for you for letting him make the decision. Hopefully he does make the right one, but it's not good for anyone involved keeping him there if it's not what he wants. Of course it's better for him, but he would only realize that later on.

What are the chances that his "dad" would sign over his rights to you guys? If it could happen, it would show your nephew that you really do love him. Right now he probably feels unwated anywhere because of what his mom has been telling him. Poor guy. This whole thing really makes me sad.

femmegem

God, I feel so effing sorry for him. He's been dealt one hell of a crappy hand when it comes to parents.

Thank goodness you're there for him. And leaving the choice up to him, at this point, is the best thing you could do, IMO. I hope he chooses to stay with you, too. But he needs to decide and then own up to his decision.

I admire you so much for doing so much for him when it would be so much easier to just give up and send him back to his mom.

LittleMamaB

MelandJeff:

God, my heart literally aches for that kid. And you too, but mostly, for him.

 

I know. It sucks. His restrictions have pretty much been lifted by us because, even though he was making horrible decisions, we definitely understand why now. My husband and I have both been in tears multiple times today. 

LittleMamaB

emilykristene2006:

Good for you for letting him make the decision. Hopefully he does make the right one, but it's not good for anyone involved keeping him there if it's not what he wants. Of course it's better for him, but he would only realize that later on.

What are the chances that his "dad" would sign over his rights to you guys? If it could happen, it would show your nephew that you really do love him. Right now he probably feels unwated anywhere because of what his mom has been telling him. Poor guy. This whole thing really makes me sad.

We are trying to warm his dad up to the idea slowly. He has some anger issues...so we're treading lightly.

becoming_untied

My nephew was manipulated by his messed up mother all his life.  Around 14 he started to know enough, be strong enough, etc to want to live with his dad (my brother).  Unfortunately it took about 2 years for him to finally break free from messed up mommy and live w/his dad fulltime.  He understood that it was better for him in all ways.  It just took a while to work through everything (counseling, maturity, etc.) to make the switch permenant.

Best wishes to him and your family.  I really empathize with all you are going through!

PearlieGirl'sMom

Poor Baby! How awful that must be to realize you are being manipulated (both of you are) and lied to by your own mother. Does he want to see her?

Could I also ask a question... is his mother or father an alcoholic? Have you thought of Al-Ateen for him and Al-Anon for you? Or NA? (there is a family one).

I am also sure he is afraid of your abandonment of him. Does he see a counselor?

Maybe this alternative school could be a good thing!

emilykristene2006

LittleMamaB:

His restrictions have pretty much been lifted by us because, even though he was making horrible decisions, we definitely understand why now. My husband and I have both been in tears multiple times today. 

Now I'm in tears!

You could probably explain to him that the hand he has been dealt is crappy and tell him that he can go on like the way he has been or choose to better himself. He can make the change and (when he is an adult) not blame his actions on his past.

So many people I know choose to not make a change. It's easier to say, "I'm like this because of how I was raised" rather than say, "I'm better than them and I deserve better."

I have no clue if that makes sense.

femmegem

This whole post is completely choking me up. Please update us when he makes his decision.

LittleMamaB

emilykristene2006:

LittleMamaB:

His restrictions have pretty much been lifted by us because, even though he was making horrible decisions, we definitely understand why now. My husband and I have both been in tears multiple times today. 

Now I'm in tears!

You could probably explain to him that the hand he has been dealt is crappy and tell him that he can go on like the way he has been or choose to better himself. He can make the change and (when he is an adult) not blame his actions on his past.

So many people I know choose to not make a change. It's easier to say, "I'm like this because of how I was raised" rather than say, "I'm better than them and I deserve better."

I have no clue if that makes sense.

That's the exact conversation we had with him, almost word for word. We can definitely tell he's thinking hard about it. 

LittleMamaB

femmegem:

This whole post is completely choking me up. Please update us when he makes his decision.

I will absolutely do that. 

Thanks, everyone. 

emilykristene2006

I really am in awe of your strength and persistence. What an amazing woman!

And, where are you in Florida? Have I already asked you this? I think I have.

DandelionMom

Just (((hugs)))

I'll keep you all in my thoughts. 

tammy79

You and your DH are angels for taking this on, and your poor nephew. I will be praying for you guys. 

JOEBunny

Just want to say that you are really strong and brave for taking him on.  It is hard, especially to watch someone you love make the wrong choices.

happ17

oh wow hun, hugs to all of you. What a wonderful thing you guys are doing. I hope he makes the smart decision.

Does this mean he's getting the PS3?