I have a random question..

foundmylazybum

When you see other people on other boards talking about how adoption is something they would like to do, are planning on doing, are going to do...what do you think? 

Do you ever wonder--with all these adopters out there on the Nest, it's a wonder they haven't found this board?

And I guess, I should just clarify, that the hubs and I are...a ways a way from the final decision of adoption (as in, we aren't ready to even contact an agency or go to a meeting etc) but we talk about adoption all the time, and it looks like that's what we want to do...this board has really helped me see some real people who have adopted, so it's not just talk. 

Sally J

I usually take their word that they really do intend to adopt, since I don't have any reason not to believe them.  My guess is that some of them even lurk over here to gather information.

I also think that for some of them it's this idea they have that isn't really tangible yet.  They aren't ready to adopt yet or even gather information, so they don't lurk.  It was like me right after my wedding...I stopped getting on the knot/nest/bump because even though some day I wanted to own a house and some day I wanted to have kids, the reality was too far in the future for me to care about gathering information or planning anything.

For others still, I think there is the real possibility that they wouldn't ever really adopt, but that it's the 'right' thing to say that they would be comfortable doing so.  I think knowing what I know now about adoption, the reality of it is very different than the idea of it.  Of course I can say that about marriage and parenthood as well.

ColoRxGirl

I'm with fred - I think people often don't know exactly what they are talking about when they bandy the word "adoption" about in conversation.

The only thing that kind of fries me a little is when I hear those experiencing infertility refer to adoption as their last resort.  I know that MANY of us arrive at the choice to adopt as a result of IF, but sometimes I see women speak about adoption like it's a panacea for their IF - and in some way inferior to a biological child. 

The biggest thing I've learned through this process is that adoption doesn't "fix" infertility.  Your anguish over the inability to carry a biological pregnancy to term and your desire to be a parent are linked - but not the same.  Adoption satisfies the latter - but won't cure the former.  This is some of the most important advice I was given when we started this journey and it's worth heeding.

 

 

CaptainSerious

I'm not really sure that they mean much by it.  Since we've shared our plans, many, many people have told me that they always wanted to adopt or foster, or that they considered it at one point.  But I've come to realize is that this generally means that they think it's a good idea and would be something nice to do, and that's where it ends.  Most of them never actually looked into it and never will, but since the idea once crossed their mind, it makes them feel convected to say that it's they've thought about.

I really only take people seriously about it if they ask respectful questions that show that they have honestly considered it in the past or for their future.  Otherwise, I just kind of smile, and say, "you really should look into it."

foundmylazybum

Thank you all for sharing your wise insights on this random topic of mine.

You ladies always have such good things to say. I just love this board.

On another board--and sometimes on other boards in general, I will see people talk about adoption, and sometimes I will see comments I'm pretty sure are inaccurate--as Fred said about adoption, just misconceptions in general...and then other times, I'll see comments and they are in the vein of..."Well, we'd LOVE to adopt," and it just seems..like a pipe dream--or if you asked them any concrete questions they wouldn't be able to answer them (and let me reiterate here, maybe I'm a horrible person to even be bringing this up being that we're so low on the totem pole of process! But I have done some research!) I wonder why they even say something like that..it's like they *think* saying adopting a child is the right thing to say...

 

 

sassyandskinny

Well, I am a lurker here, who is considering adoption someday, but I rarely post because ?I frankly get slightly annoyed with all this "adoption is something I am going to do" talk that many people banter around freely. ?Therefore, I do not want to be one of these people, when, in all honesty, I'm not sure I ever will. ?I think that for the most part, most people are just paying lip service to the idea. ?Its like their way of saying that adoption is great, but not for them. ?For a smaller portion, I think its their way of saying its something I might consider in my life. ?For an even smaller portion, they will take an?initial?look at adoption and then run for the hills. ?For an even smaller portion, they will do all the research and then decide against it. ?The tiny portion that make it through all of this will actually go onto to adopt.?Adoption is not for the faint of heart, I've learned that from you all. ?It takes more drive, guts, bravery, determination, and heart than most people will actually use in their entire lifetime. ?Adoptive parents?are a truly amazing ?group of people, and you all are no different. ?You are not amazing because you saved a child, or provided a home, or any of the other cliches out there (although those are important too). ?You all are amazing because you allowed yourself the absolute love, joy and purpose that a child can bring to your life, even though the road is full of potholes, construction, and road blocks.??Most people have no idea what the process actually entails, and I was no different. I think the first three times I started reading on?international adoption, I closed the webpage, the book, and the book again. ?It is daunting. ?Slowly, my brain caught up with my heart. ?And so we have over the course of the year tried to educate ourselves as much as possible. We got as far as choosing a country and initial agency and have a stack of paperwork sitting in a drawer unopened and unfilled out. Now my DH cannot process going forward, and so I wait, knowing full well that I cannot make this decision on my own. ?So, will I ever be a part of this amazing adoption group? I'm not sure, maybe we are just not strong enough to survive. ?And for that, I am even more thankful to have?stumbled?onto a group as amazing as you all. ?

foundmylazybum

sassyandskinny:

Well, I am a lurker here, who is considering adoption someday, but I rarely post because  I frankly get slightly annoyed with all this "adoption is something I am going to do" talk that many people banter around freely.  Therefore, I do not want to be one of these people, when, in all honesty, I'm not sure I ever will.  I think that for the most part, most people are just paying lip service to the idea.  Its like their way of saying that adoption is great, but not for them.  For a smaller portion, I think its their way of saying its something I might consider in my life.  For an even smaller portion, they will take an initial look at adoption and then run for the hills.  For an even smaller portion, they will do all the research and then decide against it.  The tiny portion that make it through all of this will actually go onto to adopt.

 

Adoption is not for the faint of heart, I've learned that from you all.  It takes more drive, guts, bravery, determination, and heart than most people will actually use in their entire lifetime.  Adoptive parents are a truly amazing  group of people, and you all are no different.  You are not amazing because you saved a child, or provided a home, or any of the other cliches out there (although those are important too).  You all are amazing because you allowed yourself the absolute love, joy and purpose that a child can bring to your life, even though the road is full of potholes, construction, and road blocks.

  

Most people have no idea what the process actually entails, and I was no different. I think the first three times I started reading on international adoption, I closed the webpage, the book, and the book again.  It is daunting.  Slowly, my brain caught up with my heart.  And so we have over the course of the year tried to educate ourselves as much as possible. We got as far as choosing a country and initial agency and have a stack of paperwork sitting in a drawer unopened and unfilled out. Now my DH cannot process going forward, and so I wait, knowing full well that I cannot make this decision on my own.  So, will I ever be a part of this amazing adoption group? I'm not sure, maybe we are just not strong enough to survive.  And for that, I am even more thankful to have stumbled onto a group as amazing as you all.  

Well said. I hope that you post more often  

CaptainSerious

Sassyandskinny, you have put eloquent words to many of my thoughts.

Please don't feel that you will never adopt because your husband isn't ready to move forward at this time.  Many of the women here have been in the same position, and have in time moved on through the process.  Sometimes, it just takes more time for someone in the marriage to become ready than it does for the other.

Also, please do not feel like you are not a valid member of this community/board.  I think I speak for all/most of us when I say that we support anyone with a sincere interest in adoption or even just learning more about it.  You belong here just like any of the rest of us.  The people I (and I am only speaking for me here) get annoyed by are those that don't care to learn about adoption, but like to sound as if they have an interest in it because they see it a a humanitarian thing to support.  Your words and actions clearly show that you are not one of those people.

Finally, I want to urge you not to think of yourself as not being "strong enough" to "survive" this process.  If my experience is at all similar to that of others, I would hazard a guess that anyone who has ever adopted has, at one point or another, wondered if it was worth it, or if they were going to be strong enough to make it through the process and/or raise a child who was adopted into their family.  Having doubts or experiencing concerns does not mean you're not cut out to adopt, it means you are human.  And there's also no shame in looking into adoption and deciding that it's not how you want to build your family.  All that shows is that you went into it with an open mind and pure heart and made an informed decision.

Please stick around.  You sound like a good egg.

julandjo

fredalina:

Several people said, "i would adopt" or "i would just adopt" or "i could always adopt."  A few said, "i would adopt since i've always wanted to anyway."

How many of those people will do *any* research about adoption?  Even the ones who say they've always wanted to?  Not many i think.  And for the rest, it actually kind of annoys me because it implies that adoption is easy.  We all know otherwise.  Some have more stumbling blocks than others, but even a "smooth" adoption is usually not easy compared to what others think it is.

Ugh, yes.  I have a good friend who is excited about us adopting.  She shows enthusiasm and is supportive, but the misconceptions she has (which are so widespread!) are amazing.  Just last week she was asking about the "type" of baby we were hoping to adopt.  When I said a newborn, she said "but what if all they have available at that time is older kids"?  Like we're just gonna drive up to the agency and see what kind of kids they've got sitting around there that day and pick one?  Ha ha ha.  Yeah, most people have a positive view of adoption in general, but know precious little about what it really entails.

When I was at my annual gyn exam a few months ago, my dr. asked when we were planning on having the next baby.  I said that, given my first two experiences, we were planning on adopting the rest of our kids.  He laughed and sort of rolled his eyes.  "Would you be offended if I told you how many times I hear that one?" he said.  While I'm sure that line is spouted at him several times a day, I wanted to say "but we're serious!  We actually know what we're talking about here!"  Lol.