New Here...MyStory (Long)

JenB7

Hello ladies! I have been lurking here for about a week and a half. Reading all of these posts has been soooo therapeutic for me! I am so sorry for everyone's losses! I'm just really glad we have found each other!

DH and I have been ttc for 2 years. No one in my family has ever had any trouble and I never entertained the idea that I would either. After a year of no success, we went to an RE. I had surgery to remove 7 fibroids in January and we tried on our own until May. We had 2 cancelled cycles of IVF in June & August r/t ovarian cysts. Finally, in Sept we got the green light! As a side note, my Dad was diagnosed with lung cancer shortly after we made the decision to do IVF. So, in the midst of all my blood work and u/s's I flew 2000 miles to see him once a month, since May. Oct 1 I got my BFP. DH and I were so excited! I wasn't going to tell anyone until after the first trimester, but under the circumstances, we did. My Dad was so happy for us! He kept saying he hoped it was a boy. I didn't care, just wanted a healthy baby! Oct 7 my Dad lost his fight with cancer. Almost two weeks later to the day, I found out our baby didn't make it. Nov 5 I had a D&C.

I have been devastated ever since. I am 39, no kids and I feel like my window of opportunity is closing for that to happen! The first few weeks after I found out, I was just a zombie. It was an effort to breathe let alone get out of bed, shower and go to work! I felt like I had hit rock bottom. Slowly, I have started to climb out of my dark hole of self pitty and sadness. After reading some of your stories, some of you so much farther along that me in your pregnancy, I feel like if you can find a way to move on then, I need to do the same. You guys are what has helped me turn the corner and decided to put my big girl panties on and deal with the sh*#ty cards I have been dealt. For that I can't thank you enough! 

I was talking to DH about everything the other night. Trying to get a feel for where he was at with all of this, since it's been mostly about me for the last several weeks. He said he was doing ok. He has been VERY supportive through all of this, which is why this next comment hurt so bad. He said he would be more sad if the baby ever had a heartbeat because then he would have felt like we really had something going on. WTF! Oh, so just because it never had a hertbeat it didn't exist?! I'm trying to tell myself that he is just a man and doesn't realize the ignorant comments that he makes, but what the hell? I told him it was different with me. As soon as I got that BFP IT WAS A BABY TO ME! Anyone else have a DH that just doesn't get it?

MSC03

Wow Jen... That is so much loss to absorb at once. I'm so sorry for both of your losses. That's awful.

Of course it was a baby from Day 1... It's just probably easier for your DH to cope with it if he's able to think of it as less than that.

But it's not just the baby that's lost--it's all of your hopes and dreams for the baby that die as well. You can have another--but it's not a replacement system. I think that's one of the hardest things for people to get that haven't been through it.

jennsadye1979

I am so sorry for your loss. ((Big Hugs))

pepomntpat

I am so sorry for your loss.  {{hugs}}

I agree with pp that your DH is using his thought process as his coping mechanism. I would not hesitate to tell him that it hurt you, but keep in mind that it is different for him. He wasn't carrying the baby around inside him, so it's impossible for him to get it the same way you do.  {{hugs}}

JuJuBe3

Jen, I am so sorry for your losses.  That is so much to take on.  I'm so glad you found this board and have found some comfort here.

My DH definitely handled the m/c better than I did.  We did see a heartbeat, but never heard it.  After talking a lot with my DH, I realized how different it really is for us.  He didn't experience the pregnancy and all it's symptoms or the m/c and all that goes with that.  For my DH, it was easier, but for those reasons only.  And it still wasn't easy. 

I would talk to your DH when the time is right.  I shared a lot with my DH during this process and I truly believe it's brought us closer.  I hope you can lean on each other to help you through this.

 

Temp950106187509203

I'm so sorry for the loss of your dad and the loss of your baby. I agree with PPs that your H was just trying to make it a little easier to take. I imagine it is very difficult to deal with a spouse who has a radically different coping style than your own--hopefully he can learn that comments like that are not helpful to you. {{hugs}}

Sonadora

I'm very sorry for your loss.

Pixiestx

I'm very sorry for you loss and that your lost your father as well.  That's a lot for one person to take.  Try to take it easy on your husband since although you might not understand it, not everyone believes it is a baby in the same snese from the moment of conception or that you find out (and I agree with him and don't find his comment ignorant to say the least). Unfortunately it's a rough time for you to find out what he believes.  You asked him how he was doing, and he should be able to share his feelings with you just the same as you would want to share with him.  You guys don't have to agree, just be there for each other.  You say he has been very supportive, so focus on the fact that he isn't trying to make you feel like you should be over it by now. 

sunsetlove

i'm so sorry for your losses.. ((HUGS))))

JerushaLyn

I am sorry for the loss of your baby.  I was there less than a month ago so I truly understand.  However, there was nothing ignorant about your DHs comments.  Remember that this was a loss for both of you...not just you.  Everyone does not feel the same as you that your embryo was a baby from the moment of conception.  You are lucky to have a DH that is willing to share his feelings with you.  Don't discourage him by making him feel like his feelings are wrong.  Explain to him how you feel and work together to move past the hurt.