Confused
Hi,
I have been on here a couple of times, DH and I would like to start the application process in April, and I just wanted to ask you ladies who have dealt with infertility prior to adoption a question.
I know in my heart of hearts that I want a child, and I don't care if they have my eyes or skin color, etc. I just wonder sometimes if I will ever regret not going to see an RE prior to adoption. I have had some fertility tests done, and nothing conclusive has come of it, except for the fact that DH has a low morphology 2%. My OB has suggested IUI, etc. I just feel like the money I spend on infertility treatments are so much more of a gamble rather than start saving our money for adoption. DH is totally on board with adoption, so he would rather I not waste our time and money on treatments.
I know that most agencies ask if you have diganosed Infertility, and since I have not seen an RE, just been trying over a year with just one miscarriage, I am also wondering if I need to see an RE just for a consult, so they can actually diagnose me with infertility. What are your opinions?
I know that when going through the homestudy they will ask you how you have dealt with your infertility, and I am just not sure at this point how I would answer. Did you ladies know right away or did it take time? I am reading books to help me through it, but did you ladies do anything different?
Re: Confused
For us, adoption will not be a viable option until we've tried, at least, IUI. I am seeing an RE, and we'll likely give it one year of medicated cycles, testing, and treatment, before moving on to adoption. We have decided that we will not spend money on IVF - we'd rather take that cash and use it for adoption.
If you're second-guessing your decision (from your post, it sounds like your DH has made up his mind, but you haven't really) then you might need to see the RE and possibly try a round or two of IUI. You need to get your head and heart in the same place, and it sounds like you need some sort of finality to do that.
Good luck in whatever you decide to do!
I felt so much like you. We almost cancelled our meeting with our RE to move onto adoption. But something kept telling me it wasn't time. So we pursued treatments and stopped short of IVF.. and moved onto adoption. In the end it didn't work for us and we did go back to IVF (had DS through it) and now are pursuing adoption for baby #2.
I think it is important to listen to your gut.
I don't think our agency asked us if we had diagnosed infertility. They only asked if we had dealt with it if we were diagnosed. There are PAPs at our agency who are single, who have children (adopted or biological) already, etc., so you don't necessarily need to have IF to adopt.
I think you need to do what's right for you. If you want to see a dr who will give you an official diagnosis for your peace of mind, or if you feel you need that for closure, then by all means, go for it.
I knew way before DH did that I had dealt with my IF. We had been to 2 REs--the first one was in it for the money and gave us a different diagnosis and story every time we talked, and limited our options. The second was better, but still was out of her element with a couple who wasn't as aggressive as most of her patients.
I had 3 m/c's--one was with IF treatment, and 2 were on break cycles with no IF treatment. I got to the point where I felt my chances of having a successful pregnancy (with or without medical intervention) were likely pretty small, and I realized I didn't need to give birth to be a mom. It took DH longer to deal with the idea of a child not being biologically related to him, and he had a lot of fear of the unknown in terms of the homestudy and other parts of the adoption process. It took him almost a year to be comfortable with the whole idea. By the time we got to the homestudy, we were ready.
It sounds to me like you really want more information from a medical perspective, so you can know what all of your options are and decide which path to take.
Just my 2c.
Good luck.
For our home study we had to have a doctor's note saying we suffered with infertility. You don't have to have infertility to adopt with them but if that's your reason they want a note documenting that.
For us, we spent the time and money seeing a RE and I regret it now. It got us nowhere and put us into quite a bit of debt we're just now getting out of. (Especially with us trying to save for the adoption at the same time).
It's a personal choice. Maybe make the appt and do a consult? I will say this --- at our consult both of our RE's (We ended up going to 2 different ones) tried to flat out say we would get pregnant .... and we never did. Not sure why they chose to put that out there but it gave me false hope.
I wish you the best!
We were asked by our agency what brought us to adopt. We talked about our infertility and how we took the time to grieve and know it was the right move for us. However, with that being said, i think if we hadn't tried any fertility treatments, i would always wonder if we should have. We only did 3 IUI's and one IVF cycle, but it was enough for us.
Our SW did mention to us that they will sometimes refer adoptive parents back to the RE if they feel like they aren't 110% ready to adopt, haven't grieved enough for maybe explored all options.
Good luck to you guys as you decide what is best for you.
I'm in CO too, and there is at least one other bumpster here who is also from CO, I have looked at all of these listed agencies in CO, and I am pretty sure that NOT all of them require that you have some sort of diagnosed IF let alone have gone through treatments.
https://www.adoption.state.gov/hague/accreditation/agencies.html
They all do international and domestic adoptions...you might want to check them out
Thanks everyone for your input, I really appreciate it. I have a genetic disease that also makes pregnancy harder, not impossible, but definitely harder. Anyway, I know that is why DH is ready for adoption more so than me, he doesn't want me to get hurt or be in danger with a pregnancy if it did manage to happen.
I think all this waiting is really starting to get to me, and I know I need to learn some serious patience. I think it would be easier to have closure if I knew were were actually starting to move forward in the adoption process. Did anyone feel closure when they started the application process, or did this happen for you before you started?