can I get your take?

teach2183

I've never posted here before and honestly never read any books about AP.  But I tend to follow DD's lead and let her set her own schedule.

DD takes time to "warm up" when she's somewhere other than home.  Understandable to me as she's not even 2.  After about 30 minutes or so, she's usually good and willing to explore.  Once she's comfortable, she'll go play, interact with other people, ask to sit in other's laps, then come back to DH or I for a few minutes.  To me, this is normal behavior for a child under 2.

FIL and MIL are obsessed with holding DD.  She doesn't like to be held a lot, unless she's being transported somewhere.  She sometimes enjoys sitting in people's laps.  When she wants to be picked up, she will walk over and put her arms up for you tou pick her up.  Yet, within 5-10 minutes of arriving yesterday (we arrived maybe 5 minutes before them), FIL pulls DD from my lap.  I was too stunned to stop him.  Then DD reaches for me, he continues to hold her, just standing there continuing his conversation with someone else.  After she reached for me the 3rd/4th time, I stood up and took her back.  I was in disbelief that he was blatantly ignoring her desire to not be held by him (especially when he wasn't interacting with her).  He continuously chose awkward moments to try and hold her throughout the evening.  Others waited until she wandered over.  She was held by many people throughout the evening, but on her terms.

So I have two questions... would you be annoyed by the blatant disregard for your child's (reasonable) desires?  And, what would you do in the future in this situation?

moroccojade

To answer your questions...  Yes, I would be annoyed.  What would I do?  Well, DD is not afraid to assert her preferences.  So she usually takes care of herself just fine.  But if some fool disregarded her need for healthy boundaries I would step in.  Even if was family.  "She takes a little time to warm up...  give her some space and she'll come to you on her own terms.  Everyone will be happier for it." 

If they still don't get it, you could be really honest and frame it like this:  "We like to respect her desire not to be grabbed at.  It will serve her well on dates with high school boys in the future.  We want her to know that she has the right to say "NO!" in such circumstances and be respected for her choice."   lol.... how would that go over? 

Temp108743750006959

This has prob been happening across...centuries, lol. Some people get it, some don't. I usually let happens what happens bc often DS will just find a way to get away -- or the person will figure it out. Sometimes I just say, "oh yeah, he just needs a little more time, that's pretty normal for a toddler."

teach2183

moroccojade:

If they still don't get it, you could be really honest and frame it like this:  "We like to respect her desire not to be grabbed at.  It will serve her well on dates with high school boys in the future.  We want her to know that she has the right to say "NO!" in such circumstances and be respected for her choice."   lol.... how would that go over? 

Maybe next time I'll try that.  We've talked to the ILs frequently about DD needing time to warm up, FIL just doesn't get it.  DD doesn't talk a ton yet and of her words, "no" or "down" aren't there yet.  So she reached for me with a look of "what is going on, save me!"  And then she tried to stay away from FIL the rest of the visit.  I wonder why... you scared her!

mybabylove2009

I honestly plan on teaching my son when he is a toddler, that if you do not wish to be held by ANYONE, please scream for mommy and I will come get you. I'm hoping this will help get my family to back off on being so pushy with holding him. 

moroccojade

Maybe the thought of some 16-year old's paws all over your angel will help FIL see the light.  You could try to say it in a joking sort of way...  That will be easier.  But I think the overall message will still be loud and clear.

Maybe she'll start putting her own little foot down soon.  Even if she doesn't know the words, she can still let out a good wail. 

funchicken

I always let people know that DD takes a while to warm up to people, and our families respect that.  Honestly, it's impossible to hold onto her for very long if she doesn't want to be held.  She squirms out of most people's grasps pretty quickly

jen_and_tom

moroccojade:

If they still don't get it, you could be really honest and frame it like this:  "We like to respect her desire not to be grabbed at.  It will serve her well on dates with high school boys in the future.  We want her to know that she has the right to say "NO!" in such circumstances and be respected for her choice."   lol.... how would that go over? 

I love this response. 

My dad does this and I HATE IT.  He doesn't do it to DD so much yet but I watch it with my 4yo niece and my sister always scolds her and tells her to be respectful.  I definitely will not giving DD that message.