What is the alternative to CIO?

ibis

I was unable to explain this to my H when I tried to tell him I'm not interested in CIO... can you put into a simple description for me what the alternative is? 

My H is a big softie and I don't think he'd like CIO any more than me, but he said "I didn't know there was any other way. What do you do instead?" 

atlbride23

You should pick up a copy of The No-Cry Sleep Solution.

angelynn8411

yep, night time parenting. it doesn't stop when they go to bed!!!

i agree with 2 PP's as well. The No Cry Sleep Solution has helped us tons.

Hippinski

If it helps here are two links to articles that talk about CIO.

 https://drbenkim.com/articles-attachment-parenting.html

 https://www.phdinparenting.com/2008/07/05/no-cry-it-out/

 

stever

fredalina:

This may be simplistic, but if DH asked me that, i would say "Meeting her needs at night and during the day." 

I like this description.

Temp108743750006959

we did pick up/put down (Baby Whispers), no CIO needed, though around 6 months we did have a few crappy nights.

DarcyLongfellow

Hey ibis!

I'd say that the alternative to CIO is helping the child go to sleep.

The reason people let their babies CIO is that, at some point, a child needs to learn to put himself to sleep.  CIO is one way to do that -- because the parent is not there comforting the child, the child falls asleep alone.

So, the question is, how else can you teach a child to put himself to sleep?  I'm still working on figuring this out.  I assume various books would help, but right now I'm sort of figuring this out by reading my baby's cues.

When she was younger, I nursed her to sleep.  Worked every time.  Now, she's older and more interested in the world around her.  Nursing won't always put her to sleep.  And, even if it does, she'll almost always wake up when I set her down in her bed.

So, we've had to come up with another way.  What's working for us right now is to put her in bed, roll her over onto her side (not good from a SIDS point of view, but she usually rolls back on her back right after she's sleeping), and sing to her (or shhhh her a la Happiest Baby on the Block), while patting her butt.  If she's really angry and doesn't want to sleep, it sometimes take a long, long time -- with her crying still.  But picking her up doesn't work (she may fall asleep, but she'll wake up if set down), and I figure at least I'm there with her and comforting her while she's fussing.  Her fusses are usually "I don't want to be doing this right now I'd rather be playing" cries.  If she screams, I pick her up to calm her, then put her down and start over.

So, basically, to me anyway (and I don't necessarily label myself as AP, I just lean that way naturally, so this isn't an official stance), not CIO means not forcing your child to scream all alone in a dark room until she falls asleep.  It doesn't, to me anyway, mean the baby won't cry.  DD has been known to fall asleep while crying when I was holding her!!

moroccojade

DarcyLongfellow:

Hey ibis!

I'd say that the alternative to CIO is helping the child go to sleep.

The reason people let their babies CIO is that, at some point, a child needs to learn to put himself to sleep.  CIO is one way to do that -- because the parent is not there comforting the child, the child falls asleep alone.

So, the question is, how else can you teach a child to put himself to sleep?  I'm still working on figuring this out.  I assume various books would help, but right now I'm sort of figuring this out by reading my baby's cues.

When she was younger, I nursed her to sleep.  Worked every time.  Now, she's older and more interested in the world around her.  Nursing won't always put her to sleep.  And, even if it does, she'll almost always wake up when I set her down in her bed.

So, we've had to come up with another way.  What's working for us right now is to put her in bed, roll her over onto her side (not good from a SIDS point of view, but she usually rolls back on her back right after she's sleeping), and sing to her (or shhhh her a la Happiest Baby on the Block), while patting her butt.  If she's really angry and doesn't want to sleep, it sometimes take a long, long time -- with her crying still.  But picking her up doesn't work (she may fall asleep, but she'll wake up if set down), and I figure at least I'm there with her and comforting her while she's fussing.  Her fusses are usually "I don't want to be doing this right now I'd rather be playing" cries.  If she screams, I pick her up to calm her, then put her down and start over.

So, basically, to me anyway (and I don't necessarily label myself as AP, I just lean that way naturally, so this isn't an official stance), not CIO means not forcing your child to scream all alone in a dark room until she falls asleep.  It doesn't, to me anyway, mean the baby won't cry.  DD has been known to fall asleep while crying when I was holding her!!

 

It can take a long long long long LONG time for a child to put him/herself to sleep.  Many preschoolers still don't.  NCSS for Toddlers and Preschoolers talks about this -- *Great* book.  Most kids want a parent there while they drift off. Pantley does give some suggestions as to how to remove yourself from the equation.  But really? She said don't bother unless this is something that *really* bothers you. There are good reasons why a child wants a parent there, and there is NOTHING wrong with respecting that desire.

DH and I talked it out and decided that it's not the worst thing in the world that DD likes to have one of us beside her as she falls asleep.  It will not last forever.  But we're still doing it now (DD turned 2 in August.)  It doesn't bother me.  I read her some stories.  Say a prayer.  Turn out the light, and get out my laptop.  I play her some quiet music (she really likes Sarah McLachlan right now.    And I get some stuff done on the computer.  It rarely takes more than 15 or 20 minutes.  Usually 10.   Doesn't make a difference to me if I do work emails from her room or the living room.

ibis

Thanks! Those are the kinds of concrete examples I was looking for...

I'm sure the book is good but I have made a kind of promise to myself to not get too into the baby instruction books, at least at first - I tend to be very literal with such things, and I want to give myself a chance to kind of follow my intuition a little.

When we got a puppy I read EVERY book I could get my hands on and took every class, and I totally drove myself and my puppy insane. Hoping not to repeat that experience with baby.

Speaking of the dog, when I crate trained him (by the book, of course) my H hated to hear him cry in the crate and always begged me to let him out... so I don't think he could bear to do CIO with our baby!

Knitty

To elaborate on Moroccojade's post. My four year old likes me to lie with her while she goes to sleep. It takes about ten minutes and we often have really lovely chats snuggled up in the dark. It has become my favourite time of day with her.

LucyPevensie

Here's what has worked REALLY well for us - a baby routine.  Not a schedule - a routine that we follow throughout the day (and adjust as needed) and a bedtime routine that includes bath or shower (every other night, more than that dries out his skin), lotion, jammies, books, bottle, rocking or walking and soft singing or shushing, bed.  Jack starts out in his crib and comes to be with me later.  He has never CIO'ed and he is a great sleeper.  He has always been soothed by to sleep by me or DH.  It did not teach him "bad habits!" - it taught him he is safe and mommy or daddy will always come when he cries.  

It took a LONG time and being very consistent.  It was not fast like some of the CIO solutions.  But now if he wakes up and cries at night in his crib and I'm not ready to bring him to bed yet  because I'm still doing stuff around the house or just taking some time for myself - I can go in and pick him up and he immediately puts his head on my shoulder and I put a blanket over him and hold him and rock him for literally 3 minutes and then he'll go back down.  It takes no time at all, and adds up to some of the sweetest, gentlest moments of my life.  It was not always this easy!!  But it is this easy now.

You DON'T have to CIO.  And you can still have a good sleeper.  Jack takes 2 naps a day and sleeps 10 hours at night, and is a pleasant, wonderful baby.  

LittleEgypt

Ditto the pp on NCSS book and consistency/routine (after the newborn period - you can't expect a routine or schedule at that point).

I would add that you should have a copy of Dr. Sears' 'Baby Book', which has a section on this as well as lots of other good info. I refer to this book all the time for lots of things.