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Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss
New here... venting
My name is Kristen. This is a long post and Im sorry. I need to get it out some how and this seemed like a good way. I loved just being nosy on the bump throughout my pregnancy and this seemed like the best place to go vent. My husband and I lost our baby girl on Nov 3 2009. It was what I believe will be the hardest day of our lives. I was a week overdue when this happened. Our baby was due on the 29th of Oct.I had never had any complications and nothing seemed it could go wrong this far into the ball game. Contractions were normal, everything was fine. When we got to the hospital they were not able to find a heart beat. It was then when I was rushed into OR and almost went into an immediate C-section. But it was confirmed that the heart beat was not longer there and our little Angel was gone. 6 hours late I delivered a perfect little Angel and we found out our Angel was a baby girl, Emma Taylor. We had been waiting to find out if our Angel was going to be an Emma or a Roarke. We never thought this is how we would be finding out. She was perfect. She looked just like her dad. I swear you would have thought I kidnapped her. It was a week later we learned I had a placenta abruption. I will now be going in for all the wonderful stuff to find out what is wrong with me. Not a day seems to go by when I don't wonder what could have been different. Even though I know there is nothing we could have done it still doesn't make it any easier. We had planned the last nine months around our new baby. Now it just feels like there is a big hole in our lives. This isn't how it is supposed to be right now. We put on that face everyday that is part of life moving on, but what it really feels like is that we are stuck in a moment. That moment of waiting for our baby to be delivered and to hear her cry. I came to this site today because I needed to be close to someone who has been through this. Everyone tells me o I am so sorry for you loss and so on.. The best was when some one said "Hey your one fertile Bi*** you will get pregnant again" because that is exactly what I am thinking about now. It drives me crazy. I can sit around and talk with the others that have had babies and relate in all areas minus having a child. It sucks. She is supposed to be here with us and she's not. You hear about these things happening but you never think that it could be you. Last week we had her memorial. Not a day goes by where I don't break down cry. Every time I walk by the closed door.. The door that leads to the nursery we were so worried wouldn't be done in time I just want to open the door and see our baby there, but I know she wont be there. This may not make sense but i needed to get it out of my system. My husband and I are both in the Air force and currently stationed in England, which makes this harder having no family close and sometimes it is hard to be face to face with some one and really let out how you feel.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: New here... venting
I am so sorry for your loss, I am beyond words.
I know there is a late loss check in on Wednesdays run by Mrs.SummitCounty, I would think those ladies would be able to offer a lot of insight and answers, as many of them have been in a similar situation as yours. The board may be a little slow over the next few days because of the holiday, but I hope we can offer you a little comfort. Never be afraid to share anything here, this is a place to vent, cry, and be understood when noone in your circle of friends may be able to .
((Big Hugs))
In my Think Tank, KM, Porteen + LowePro bags: Canon 5D Mark III / 5D Mark II
16-35mm 2.8L, 35mm 1.4L, 24-70mm 2.8L, 50mm 1.2L, 85mm 1.2L, 100mm 2.8L IS, 70-200mm 2.8L IS
Lensbaby Composer + 0.42x SuperWide, Holga Lens, Speedlite 580EXIIs + PWs,
Mac LR4 + CS6 + Nik Editing Suite
BFP #2 4/13/10. Bridget born 12/28/10
BFP #3 Finn born 8/11/15
[url=http://www.thebump.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=UBB&utm_campaign=tickers][img]http://global.thebump.com/tickers/tt1cb8c4.aspx[/img][/url]
Kristen,
I'm so sorry for your loss. I also had a stillbirth; one of my twin girls passed during labor. I also had a normal pregnancy and we do not know what happened. We were able to deliver her sister so I do have one baby but I will always miss my other baby. My only advice is to give yourself plenty of time to heal both physically and emotionally. I would say it took at least 2-3 months for me to start feeling better. It's been 7 months now and I feel like I'm in my "new normal" and am "okay". I am still dealing with things but it's alot better than it was. My T&P to you and your husband.
Hi Kirsten-
My name is Elizabeth. I lost my daughter a little over 3 months ago at almost 24 weeks. Much like you, we were not expecting to loose our little girl. It is a long, sob story... if you want to learn more, it is in my siggy.
There is a couple things I would like you to know.
1.) It is not your fault. I too battled this thought in the begining... but, after sitting w/ a counselor... I realized that I did everything in my power to provide her a warm and safe home - and in fact, that is what I did. What happened to my baby, and what happened to your little girl - was out of our control. Any unfortunately, there is nothing that can change that. We did nothing to cause their demise... it just happened.
2.) Although it is inconceivable at this time... it will get better. Eventually, you will notice that it has been a whole 24 hours since you cried. Then a couple weeks later - you will go 2 days with no tears. Eventually, a week will pass. Somedays will be better than others... but, it does get better. The pain will never go away... but eventually, the pain decreases.
3.) You will find amazing support from the ladies on this board. As time goes on, you might notice that people in real life- don't understand the complex layers emotions that you and your SO experience. They won't understand each layer, anger, and grief that you experience. You will never have to explain to us why you hurt as situations occur... we all understand. You won't have to try to explain the type of pain that you feel - we feel it with you. We are a constant souce of understanding, support, validation, for you - as well as each other. Lean on us when you need to... we get it.
I would also encourage you to reach out and perhaps talk on the phone w/ a fellow bumpie if and when you are ready. There are a handful of girls on this board that I have felt very connected, and we have experienced similar situations. Talking on the phone has really helped me with the healing process. Just to vent to someone who understands my emotions- is just HIUGE! It is sort of a phone support group, if you will.
Take care of yourself. It is the toughest thing in the world... but, you will make it.
~Elizabeth
I am so, so sorry for your loss. Please feel free to vent/talk on here whenever you want. We may not have the same loss experiences but sadly we have all lost. We will support you and your DH any way we can.