Rough Time (long vent sry)

lenabeth

I am still trying to figure out how I am going to get through all this.  I had my f/u appointment today for my D&C and he said the tissue came back fine and he is doing some blood work to see if there is some underlying issue.  This is my second pregnancy and second m/c.  Both did not have a baby by the time I found out I would m/c through u/s.  I am so upset that I don't even have a baby to see on an u/s, just an empty thick uterus.  ARG! 

Both were missed miscarriages as well.  First was induced with cytotec and at least I was able to have a clot about 2" in diameter that I could half-heartedly call my baby and (sad to say) I look at it and hold it for a while in a ziplock bag before turning it over to the dr. to examine.  (sry TMI)  This second one was D&C so I didn't even have a gross looking red chuck to hold. 

I know this all sounds so gross, but I feel so cheated that I couldn't even see a partial glimps of my babies.  I just got to see a gapping empty uterus.  I have nothing to hold, remember, bury, or just have proof that it existed.  No little head, hands, legs, arms, hearbeat, anything!  This all infuriates me to no end! 

I just want to breathe again and feel like one day I can have some of my family living with me.  Right now I have DH, a dad and a grandpa.  All the rest are in heaven.  I am so sick of death, it just surrounds me.  I have not gone a calendar year with out a family member or close friend dying for 7 years.  7 F-ing years!  Can someone in my life stay alive!

I am so sorry that I am saying all this to you all.  I just don't know where else to take all this.  I'm done.  Amd with all that, I think I need to take a break from posting for a little bit.  Thanks everyone for all you do for me during this tough time!  Venting done.

sara1817

I'm so sorry for your losses. I had a m/c at 5w 3d and never got the chance to see that baby either, so I can understand some of what you are feeling. I had dreams the night I lost my little one that I found the baby I lost and was able to hold it, it made me so sad. I've also found the boards great for venting, it's a great way to get things out to someone.

RNCCRN9706

I'm so sorry for yoru losses.  I just sufffered a m/c myself last week at 6w2d. Didn't get to see anything either...by the time I started bleeding and got to the hospital..the ultrasound didn't show anything and my beta was already down to 35.

Prayers and Positive thoughts coming your way.

Mrs. K in TX

I know how you feel about feeling cheated.  I feel the same way.  Because I have PCOS, I thought I was having a really heavy period, but then it got extremely bad, which prompted me to go to the doctor, and that's when I found out I'd been pregnant and had a miscarriage.  There was nothing left. 

I feel so bad that I wasn't able to give her a proper parting.  She deserved more than what she got. (I use female pronouns because that's what I instinctively use to refer to her.  I think the baby must have been a girl.)

 

mrsseguin

I'm so sorry for your losses.  That's devastating.  I honestly don't think it's grosse...I held one of my clots too, it looked different than the others, and I knew it was my baby.  I think it brought me a tiny bit of closure as I said goodbye.  It  sucked because our babies should be in our uteruses growing healthy and strong.  None of us deserve this.  I hope you find comfort from the men in your life.  We are also here for you too.  Take care.

marrie2himonly

I am so sorry for your losses.  I wish you didn't have to experience such pain and grief. 

pepomntpat

I am very sorry for all that you have lost. You will be in my prayers. {{Hug}}

Temp950106187509203

You never need to apologize for venting here.  We're all here to listen to and help each other.  Unfortunately, we all know how you feel.  If you think a Bump break would help, then take one.  But we will always be here for you to talk to whenever you need to.

Take care of yourself.  {{hugs}}