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Attachment Parenting
My AP vent
I keep seeing people say things like, "oh it will be worth it when you have a perfect child/toddler" or whatever. Or people saying their babies are happy because of AP. Don't you think this places a lot of guilt on the mom if the baby ISN'T a perfect/well-adjusted child?
I think I'm just sensitive today... but I have THAT baby. You know, the one who goes from happy to screaming bloody murder in 2 seconds. The one who bursts into tears if somebody smiles at her the wrong way. The one who screams in the car, will only nap under specific circumstances if the stars align correctly and the moon is in the right lunar phase, whatever.
My cousins have happy babies and adorable toddlers. They are completely mainstream. I know in my heart that an AP approach is best for Em (heck, she demands it). But, it's hard to be the one who does things differently... and be the one with the fussy baby. And you can't ALWAYS say that it creates blissful toddlers... because I have no doubt that there is a mom with THAT toddler out there, who feels bad every time she reads something about how AP creates happy toddlers!
I don't even know if that made sense. I had a glass of wine after today's hell!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: My AP vent
I can understand where you are coming from.
I hope you can rest tonight and have a better week ahead.
Honey, I so understand and am living this post. AP does not automatically mean your kid is an angel when they are older and it pisses me off when people say that. It helps us communicate some and I know for me it helps me be in tune and I can usually tell if Ryan is having a problem...but I don't know if that is AP or just the relationship we have.
And I'm sorry today was hell for you. Enjoy the wine...and have another. Being a momma is hard work.
I know exactly how you feel. When DS was first born he screamed his head off 90% of the time he was awake. I felt like a horrible mother and didn't know what I was doing wrong. I was responsive as all get out, but he was just an unhappy little camper then. It killed me to read things like "babies that are worn seem to forget to fuss" 'cause I was wearing my baby and he was definitely not forgetting to fuss.
I hope tomorrow is better for you! Enjoy the holiday.
I'm sorry that you're having a difficult day, we've all been there. I agree that I think the disposition of the baby is a key factor in any parenting style you do. I know that my son is pretty calm and easy going and using AP styles helps him, but may not be entirely necessary due to who he is.
What I can say is that my friend has a preemie 9month old who is irritiable and high needs and she refuses to even try any AP techniques I have suggested. She is totally missing out.
Your DD will appreciate how you made her feel independant yet safe and in the long run, that will come out in her personality and choices she makes down the line.
Happy T-giving!
Oh, I'm so sorry. I hope she eats for you! Reflux is so hard.
No one has a perfect toddler. If their toddler/child is perfectly well-behaved then there might be some sort of developmental deficiency. Toddlers are designed to assert their independence and test boundaries. Children learn by making mistakes. That's just what they do. It's a part of growing up. An AP philosophy is just how we choose to deal with our children, it's not going to produce one type of child or another.
I wish some of the people on this board would stop being so self-righteous and get over themselves. They hope that their happy children will prove that they are the perfect parent. I don't have to be the perfect mom with the happiest, smartest, most adorable DD. I just want to be a good mom and love my kid, not because she's any more special than another kid, but because she's mine.
I absolutley do and think it's complete and utter BS.
AP doesn't make our kids perfect. It certainly doesn't make them good swimmers. (remember that post?) It doesn't make us better parents than others and it doesn't make our kids better. Everyone is being the best parent they can, and this is the way we chose to do it. That is all.
No one has to be apologetic about doing the best by their children. And who on the bump boards would say they're not doing the best by their children? However, there is a huge difference between not being apologetic and feeling superior or thinking your kid is superior b/c of the way you parent. It simply isn't true.
I didn't say AP made my kid a better swimmer. Sheesh, he's only 4 months old. I wondered (actually my DH did) if AP made him secure in the water because he seemed so much more secure than other babies in the pool and trusting of how we were working with him. *sigh*
I was not even thinking of your post when I wrote this thread, but your explanation kind of is what I'm talking about. You don't know that the other parents there weren't AP also. And it sort of is saying, "See how great my baby did in this situation? I think it's because we are AP!!!" While your statement doesn't explicitly say anything about other parents... it very much implies it.
Like I said though, I'm very sensitive right now since Emmy does NOT act secure or happy in pretty much any situation outside the house. So...yeah.
Yeah. I have the same child (who is now a toddler) and I feel the same way. I do feel like laughing whenever someone posts about how calm and collected and easy their children are because of AP. It is a trial dealing with tantrums and wondering if gentle parenting IS actually good for anything but turning you into a sucker, but its what feels right and we cater it to Jo's personality. PM me if you ever need to talk.
I'm sorry you took it that way. I can see how your situation could color posts, but that wasn't what I was saying in my original thread at all. People can parent any damn way they please IMO (as long as it isn't harmful to their child) and I certainly don't feel my way is the best way for everyone. It's the best way for us.
As for whether the other families were AP, that's true I didn't know if they all were or not. Perhaps my wording was wrong. Maybe I should have said, "My kid did great, was it influenced by AP?", rather than "My kid did great compared to other kids, was it AP?"
You know AP doesn't necessarily produce these magical children compared to other parental styles and it doesn't guarantee every child behaves a certain way. I don't think we should fool ourselves in thinking that.
Is my kid perfectly secure in everything? No way. If DH had taken him swimming all by himself I could guarantee he would have had a melt down. DS' security depends on me being close by. See, so assuming other people have "perfect" children is also a problem.
Being one of the few regular toddler moms on this board, this post is making me paranoid as heck.
Is my child perfect? Of course not. She certainly tests limits and is a little turd now and then. (Which is preferable to me. I don't want a Scary Robot Child. Those poor munchkins seem like they've just been beaten into submission. Or something.) But regardless of DD's quirks, do I still think she's the neatest person I've ever met? Well.... yeah.
Do DH and I and our AP-ish ways have anything to do with that? Who knows. The only way we'd know is if we'd had identical triplets and if we kept one, gave one to Mr and Mrs Ezzo and another to Dr and Mrs Sears... and heck, how about a fourth to give to a pack of wolves in the forest while we're at it. 
Am I glad we did AP? Yes. #1, she demanded it. #2, I've ended up really appreciating the principles. #3, perhaps her testing of limits and turdiness would be at a much higher level than it is now. But like I said, we'll never know.
I'm sorry some of you feel rough. (Comes with the territory of Motherhood, unfortunately. I think we all feel this way at least part of the time.) It seems there are some very spirited children around here. (There are some things about DD that fall into that category!) AP allows us to not break those little spirits. But to nurture them and guide them as best we know how. There are heaps of books out there on this topic. I've heard some are fantastic. Amazon would be able to narrow down the decent ones from the rest.
If we want to give another parenting style a go, well, by all means, we certainly can. But there is so much in my heart that has made me stick AP out.
Hugs to those who need them... and hugs to those who don't. Since I'm all AP and supposed to be all huggy and nice and all.
Morocco, I think I can safely say the OP was not speaking about you. You are one of the most rational, eloquent, unoffensive people I've ever seen post on the nest/knot/bump.
If anyone is more aware of themselves and their writings on here I haven't found one. Hell you've managed to make EC NOT sound crazy. Do you know what a tremedous task that was?
You are one of the reasons I like this board. (which now will get boos and hisses and tomatoes thrown at your head.)
I
I was NOT talking about you! There was another thread in the last few days that rubbed me wrong.
YGM
I'm sorry if you feel me saying "AP is simply a parenting style, nothing more or less" is going too far in the other direction. I certainly don't mean to slam myself much less anyone else. Goodness knows I defend this board on other boards.
a few weeks ago i had an epiphany about these "mommy wars" that seem to go on (not specifically on this board but everywhere). I'm just done with them myself and I have very little patience for others perpetuating them. I think most parents are doing the best they can and I can't fault them for that even I would do things differently.