when Dad is completely out of the picture...

Angiesmommy

for those of us who have absolutely no birth father involvement, what will you tell DC in the future?   DD is still very young, and thankfully, I dont have to explain anything to her yet. But I still have no clue what I'm gonna say when she starts to ask.  

akedaw

Wow, I don't know what I would say in that case. It is a tough situation. I have a friend whose son is 16 and very much looking to get answers about his absent Dad. Good Luck and be very mindful of your words.

Tracy Granata

I am in this position.  My daughter's father has not seen her since she was 14 months old.  I have never kept him from seeing her and she actually has some contact with one of his brothers and sister-in-law who send a card here and there to aknowledge her. It is limited because when his father passed away in June, the obituary listed all grandchildren by name, but not my daughter's.  He supposedly told his brothers that he would rather not see her than have to pay child support, guess he didn't take the time to find out that visitation and child support are separate issues.  My daugther has wonderful father figures in my dad, brother and uncles.  She has never asked about her dad yet (she's only 4) but I did overhear her talking to a friend at school and the little girl asked her what her dad's name was and DD said "Pop-Pop".  I thought it was sweet, but not sure if I need to make her realize that Pop-Pop is her grandfather and not her dad???  It's a tough situation for sure!

turtlesmom

NJMommy1:

I am in this position.  My daughter's father has not seen her since she was 14 months old.  I have never kept him from seeing her and she actually has some contact with one of his brothers and sister-in-law who send a card here and there to aknowledge her. It is limited because when his father passed away in June, the obituary listed all grandchildren by name, but not my daughter's.  He supposedly told his brothers that he would rather not see her than have to pay child support, guess he didn't take the time to find out that visitation and child support are separate issues.  My daugther has wonderful father figures in my dad, brother and uncles.  She has never asked about her dad yet (she's only 4) but I did overhear her talking to a friend at school and the little girl asked her what her dad's name was and DD said "Pop-Pop".  I thought it was sweet, but not sure if I need to make her realize that Pop-Pop is her grandfather and not her dad???  It's a tough situation for sure!

 

imo, i dont think you need to point out that her pop-pop is not her dad, but her grandfather at her age.  if she relates him to her father-figure, its not a bad thing.  i know my daughter sees her grandfather as her father figure, and for now, he is basically her father since hers has very limited contact.  when she is old enough to understand the situation, i will try to explain things to her. 

Rachel0228

I plan on telling her that her daddy and I cared a lot about each other but sometimes things don't work out and that it isn't/wasn't her fault by any means.  Beyond that I don't know and I get scared thinking of the questions she will ask.  I think I will just have to take it as it comes.

MsMonica's1st

I've had time to think about this and have asked my mom for some suggestions on how to approach it......and basically what I have decided is that I'm going to tell my daughter that her dad and I both love her very much and that we just can't be together but it has nothing to do with her. 

I just wish that my aunt wouldn't have opened her big mouth and made mention of me being pregnant because they wouldn't have ever known about my daughter...now the sister keeps in contact with me and asks for updates when I go for my appointments.....I know I'm probably being selfish but I just don't think it's fair to her for people or his relatives coming in and out of her life.  It hurt me and still does when he left and I think of how she would feel as a child when her dad leaves......

Although there is one thing that I have always and will always stick to my vow and that is I would NEVER talk badly about her dad, no matter how angry I am or what he has or hasn't done......because that is her dad and I know she will love him just as much as he loves her.

DianeN9

I'm not sure how I'll word it when the time comes, in many many years, but it will be something along the lines of : Sometimes two people want to be together and they make a baby together, and then if they just can't seem to get along and be happy with each other, they go their seperate ways but still respect each other.

I will be sure to let him know everyday that he is a blessing that was very wanted in this world and never once regretted.

Angiesmommy

Thank you all so much for the advice and words.   I know our situations are not perfect, but sometimes it feels reassuring that there are people in the same situation that you can talk to. There is no one I know IRL who is going through the same thing I am going through. And coming to this board always makes me feel more self confident about myself and what I'm doing.  

I know I have years before this conversation comes up with DD. But the suggestions were fantastic. Thank you all again.

mandaphilly

I have a tough situation to explain.

So when she starts to ask questions I'll just tell her that her daddy and I loved each other at one point in their lives but it just didn't work out. And daddy is from a different country and that he wasn't ready to be a daddy yet, but he loves you very much.

And if she gets older and asked more in depth questions, I'll probably tell her about what really happened. - Only if he is completely out of her life and doesn't call to check in.