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Attachment Parenting
Comments and Advice that have been killing me! LONG
I had a college reunion about 2 weekends ago and some of my friends said things that have just hurt my heart and I have to vent about them...
So the first thing that was said to me was that I need to let my 4 month old CIO when she wakes for her 4 am feeding. My friend let her 4 month old CIO for 3 hours - for a week straight... "He eventually learned it wasn't time to eat". I seriously want to cry thinking about it. She is a great mom and I love her as a friend but she said she "couldn't handle that 4 am feeing anymore". I am not judging, I just don't understand.
The second comment said to me was when I mentioned that I needed to pump before I went to bed (I like to have a stash in the freezer for random occasions if I am not going to be with DD)...my friend said "You may as well get over pumping and just be a SLAVE to your child for the next year...that is what breastfeeding is..." She then told me she "only breastfed it becuase it was free." This is the same friend who was holding DD and wouldn't give her back when she started to cry...her comment about that "I always hated it when people handed me back my baby when he was crying...why can't they try to soothe him." I wanted to cry and grab my baby but I just tried to soothe her by talking to her so not to seem phsyco by grabbing her.
I am just finding it really hard to conversate and be around some of my friends because of things they say and do. I only have one friend who APs and she doesn't live near me so its so tough sometimes. I had no idea it was such a foreign concept in some crowds. I have found that many of them follow sleep training concepts that say when to hold (I had no idea I had to schedule holding my child), feed, play, sleep, etc...
It just hurts my heart because they all seem to judge me and tell me what I need to do and I do my best to not judge them and give them unsolicited advice. I just try to explain our method of parenting. ::SIGH:: I guess I just feel alone sometimes BUT I know that my LO is so happy and her needs are met so that makes me happy. Whew...long vent! Sorry!
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Re: Comments and Advice that have been killing me! LONG
As for Friend #1. You know, it seems that people are so adamant and saying "YOU HAVE DO DO CIO! IT WORKS SOOOOO GREAT!" have a bit of an agenda. They are *dying* to have other moms do it, too, so they can ease their own guilt about their baby crying alone for 3 hours straight for multiple nights. If everyone else does it (especially that Whackadoodle AP friend) it normalizes it and makes it ok. And they don't have to give it a second thought.
As for #2. The BFing comment is just ridiculous. And what kind of point was she trying to prove when she wouldn't give you your crying baby back? That she is a Baby Charmer or something? Ridiculous.
Can you tell I'm a bit cranky tonight? lol. I feel better now though. I was able to take out some frustration on two strangers. aaaaaaaaaaaah.
I second the agenda (or guilt?) opinion. Right after DS was born, I was amazed at how many ppl said "you're just going to have to let him cry sometimes, it will hurt your heart, just turn on the white noise..." It drove me nuts. I hadn't asked for advice or complained about night waking at all. It was more like "oh, Ari was born" then "oh, let him CIO".
And why is AP such an alternative parenting style? I follow my instincts with DS, and that happens to be in line with AP. Maybe I'm nuts, but it seems natural to me. Why is scheduling when you hold your baby mainstream? It's sad really. But I empathize with the op, I have the same problem of not seeing eye to eye on parenting with most of my friends & acquaintances.
As for Friend #1. You know, it seems that people are so adamant and saying "YOU HAVE DO DO CIO! IT WORKS SOOOOO GREAT!" have a bit of an agenda. They are *dying* to have other moms do it, too, so they can ease their own guilt about their baby crying alone for 3 hours straight for multiple nights. If everyone else does it (especially that Whackadoodle AP friend) it normalizes it and makes it ok. And they don't have to give it a second thought.
BULLS EYE.
And I do judge. 3 weeks for hours on end? Doesn't Ferber himself even write that some kids just aren't cut out for ... Ferber?
(ETA - oh, wait, it was a week straight for 3 hours a night. Still judging!)
"When it comes to sleeping, whatever your baby does is normal. If one thing has damaged parents enjoyment of their babies, it's rigid expectations about how and when the baby should sleep." ~ James McKenna, Ph.D., Mother Baby Behavioral Sleep Center, University of Notre Dame
There is no such thing as a well behaved toddler. Sorry!
I am going to judge friend #1, she is a loon if she thinks letting a baby cry for 3 hours is okay! Just because she "Can't handle it" Then don't have kids! ?No offense to your friend but she is a dumb biiitch.
As for friend #2 I would have said, "well obviously my child doesn't like you, thats why he/she *sorry can't remember* is crying. Please give him/her back to me now"
People piss me off, DH asks why I am so cranky about people all the time. Its cause people are always stupid every minute of the day.
And guess what, america is one of the only societies that does CIO, and guess what, we have a very high sociopath rate, drug and alcohol abusers, and sexual deviants. All of those are related to trust and abandonment issues...stemming from? oh I don't know the parents that "Just can't handle that 4 AM feeding"
My own mini vent over
Really? Come to my house, I can show you one. He's 19 months and very well behaved. Sorry to burst your bubble.
I know this is a stale thread, but seriously...
Wait a few months. You think yours is well behaved. Wait until you are *that* mom at the grocery store whose kid is melting down because you told her you won't let her have marshmallows. They ALL have their moments and I bet your bubble won't last long either. Unless you live with your head in the sand...then go on thinking that yours is perfect.