How do you maintain friendships (Not strictly ap related)

Manderlin923

I'm wondering if any of you ladies are finding it difficult to maintain friendships now that you are a mother? I'm having particular difficulty with a friend of mine. She's one of my best friends and I always thought we were so similar til I got pregnant. then I really knew how different we were, and especially now that I'm a mom. She smoked when she was pregnant and argued with me about the risks. She's being induced a week early (with her 2nd baby) for no reason, which I'm not saying is wrong, it's just so opposite of how I feel things should go it's difficult for me to support her decision.I know it's not my business and I shouldn't care about any of that stuff but I do. I can't help it.

These are just two things but there's so many. We're just different mothers. I am not saying I'm right and she's wrong or vice versa, it's just we are both so passionate (not to mention stubborn) when it comes to our beliefs, it's really hard for either of us to back down. I dread talking to her about anything baby/child related whether it's about when to start solids or breastfeeding or baby wearing because she's so close minded. Even if I have great advice for her, she acts like she knows so much more than me because she's got a 4 year old and I just had my baby. Help. What do I do? Just try to brush it off? Just try to avoid talking about anything related to motherhood? I love her and don't want to lose her but I really disagree with a lot of things she does and I'm sure she feels the same way....

Thanks, I know this is long, I just needed to vent and hopefully hear an encouraging word or two. 

mrstice

I struggle to keep friends, too. One of my best friends and I don't even talk anymore. I was excited when she got pregnant shortly after I did, but our parenting methods are sooooo different that it just makes it impossible. There are many differences between us, but for example: She switched to formula after a few weeks because she wanted her DD to STTN and so she could go out to the bars on the weekend and not worry about pumping and dumping. I still don't like to leave DS with a sitter (even though his sitters are all family members) and my pre-parenthood activities (like bar-hopping) are just not interesting to me anymore. (This friend has also gone a little BSC in other, non-parenting ways, so it's not just the difference in our mothering attitudes, but you know what I mean...)

I'm trying to find more like-minded mamas around here so I can maybe make some friends. I am lucky to have ONE close girlfriend who understands and supports my parenting decisions even though she doesn't have kids yet. She's the only one I really like spending time with anymore.

Manderlin923

mrstice:

I struggle to keep friends, too. One of my best friends and I don't even talk anymore. I was excited when she got pregnant shortly after I did, but our parenting methods are sooooo different that it just makes it impossible. There are many differences between us, but for example: She switched to formula after a few weeks because she wanted her DD to STTN and so she could go out to the bars on the weekend and not worry about pumping and dumping. I still don't like to leave DS with a sitter (even though his sitters are all family members) and my pre-parenthood activities (like bar-hopping) are just not interesting to me anymore. (This friend has also gone a little BSC in other, non-parenting ways, so it's not just the difference in our mothering attitudes, but you know what I mean...)

I'm trying to find more like-minded mamas around here so I can maybe make some friends. I am lucky to have ONE close girlfriend who understands and supports my parenting decisions even though she doesn't have kids yet. She's the only one I really like spending time with anymore.

See, I would like to do this too but the problem is I live in a very small area, and not sure the resources are around to find a mommy group or something and I'm not sure if I'd like that anyway- I am really shy (in real life anyway ) so I'm not sure I'd be comfortable meeting people that way

My only other friends with kids (including this friend) live 40 minutes away. I have no friends near me with kids. 

goodheartedmommy

Some thoughts.

1) As good as advice can be, I can say that advice from a mom of one to a mom of two or three isn't practical a lot of the time. It's hard to get the balancing act of having more than one when you can devote yourself to just one kid

2) The whole "meshing with other mother" thing changes so much. When they're babies, it's sleeping training and feeding. When they're toddlers, it's discipline. When they're preschoolers, it's discipline and school. I have had a hard time maintaining friendships with some people, just because I felt like we had nothing in common any more and it was odd. Now that we have older kids, my friendships are at the point of "nothing in common" anymore. I hope to be able to continue friendships, but I can already see it getting more difficult. Life gets busy and it's hard to keep casual friendships with people that aren't on the same track. Sadly enough, it can even be true for really good friendships (not always, of course).

I'd give it some time. I have a hard time not judging people for their parenting choices (especially something like smoking while pregnant or around kids! Yikes!). How close are you with her? Can you talk about how you feel, or is it not that close of a friendship? You may need to just take a step back for awhile, and you'll probably realize soon enough that the current issues you're dealing with aren't a huge deal in the grand scheme of things.

 

Manderlin923

goodheartedmommy:

Some thoughts.

1) As good as advice can be, I can say that advice from a mom of one to a mom of two or three isn't practical a lot of the time. It's hard to get the balancing act of having more than one when you can devote yourself to just one kid

2) The whole "meshing with other mother" thing changes so much. When they're babies, it's sleeping training and feeding. When they're toddlers, it's discipline. When they're preschoolers, it's discipline and school. I have had a hard time maintaining friendships with some people, just because I felt like we had nothing in common any more and it was odd. Now that we have older kids, my friendships are at the point of "nothing in common" anymore. I hope to be able to continue friendships, but I can already see it getting more difficult. Life gets busy and it's hard to keep casual friendships with people that aren't on the same track. Sadly enough, it can even be true for really good friendships (not always, of course).

I'd give it some time. I have a hard time not judging people for their parenting choices (especially something like smoking while pregnant or around kids! Yikes!). How close are you with her? Can you talk about how you feel, or is it not that close of a friendship? You may need to just take a step back for awhile, and you'll probably realize soon enough that the current issues you're dealing with aren't a huge deal in the grand scheme of things.

 

In some ways we're extremely close- the way you are with any friend who you've gone through the best and worst of life with. From depression to break-ups to weddings to babies- we've seen it all and helped each other through it. It's hard talking with her about stuff like this though. I'm not sure why. Maybe because she doesn't back down I'm always afraid of confronting her. 

And again, this isn't just about the two things I mentioned. When I told her we were cloth diapering, she looked at me like I had 2 heads and laughed at me. When I said we didnt' want to use Dreft because of the chemicals, she told me I was afraid of germs, she thinks we're weird for being more "natural" in our lifestyle, etc.... it's just so hard. I love her for who she is but at the same time, I wish she'd change so we'd have more in common lol... 'cause I know I'm not gonna change! 

goodheartedmommy

Well, when a friendship is that important, that's when you just smile and nod at things you disagree with, then vent to your husband (or us) about it. I love my best friend dearly, and she is very like-minded, but there are even things about her that drive me nuts! You're never going to agree with anyone 100%, you'll be judged by everyone at some point, and you'll judge everyone at some point. You just go with it because that friendship means so much to you, despite the differences!

Hippinski

I've found that some of my friendships have just changed.  A lot.  I'm not very close to people that I used to be because our lives have taken such different paths.

I have made new friendships though with people who are in the same place I am.  That has really helped.  Playgroups, Mom's Nights Out & things like that have really helped.

 

Manderlin923

Hippinski:

I've found that some of my friendships have just changed.  A lot.  I'm not very close to people that I used to be because our lives have taken such different paths.

I have made new friendships though with people who are in the same place I am.  That has really helped.  Playgroups, Mom's Nights Out & things like that have really helped.

 

I'm not sure how to find stuff like that in my area.

Hippinski

Manderlin923:

Hippinski:

I've found that some of my friendships have just changed.  A lot.  I'm not very close to people that I used to be because our lives have taken such different paths.

I have made new friendships though with people who are in the same place I am.  That has really helped.  Playgroups, Mom's Nights Out & things like that have really helped.

 

I'm not sure how to find stuff like that in my area.

I'm in the Twin Cities and we are pretty lucky to have a very strong API Chapter.  You can check out the API website to see if they have anything local.