Last Name help

shkdo0701

ok I never took my DH's name... His adopted dad is a real work of art and I don't really want to take on that name especially if his adopted dad and mom divorce... That being said would it be horrible to give my LO MY last name? i mean I know I have to talk to DH but if he didn't care would it really be that terrible?

qtpa2t

Nope.  Choose the name you both agree with.  Frankly, if you end up taking the baby to most of its doctors appointment, it'll be easier if they match up based on your name.

FutureMrs.Steen

I guess if he doesn't care you could do it. I know my DH would be very offended though.

shkdo0701

FutureMrs.Steen:

I guess if he doesn't care you could do it. I know my DH would be very offended though.

:X that's what I'm worried about... but this is also the man that less then a month ago in a drunken rage tried to brain him with a brick...

Winter92

If your DH doesn't have a problem with it, then I think it would be fine.

maltwin1

I understand that you don't want your LO to have that connection with you DH's father, but you could look at it as a way of your LO having a connection with your DH instead. If your DH isn't on board that might be a way to think of it to make you feel better about it .

If your DH is cool with it though, go for it.

The only thing that I would point out is that I would assume that if child and mom have the same last name and dad has a different name, then the dad is actually not biologically related to the child. A woman not taking her husband's last name is so common now that you can't really make that assumption in reverse.

renafaith

Whatever you decide. My DH would be PO'd, though. This is probably something y'all should've discussed before getting pg, but I know that is not always possible. What about hyphenating?

shkdo0701

renafaith:

Whatever you decide. My DH would be PO'd, though. This is probably something y'all should've discussed before getting pg, but I know that is not always possible. What about hyphenating?

Ah yes it would have been nice if baby was planned... But BC defect suprise is on her way!

babydragonsister

I work with kids and I've seen it all...beyond the hyphenation thing, people also use just mom's names quite often.  I also knew one child whose parents made up a new last name for him: 1/2 mom's name and 1/2 dad's name. 

Do what you like, as long as DH is on board. 

krissyh21

Can I just say it is amazing to me you are asking the bump posters THEIR opinions before bringing this up with your H and getting HIS opinion....

 

juniper19

krissyh21:

Can I just say it is amazing to me you are asking the bump posters THEIR opinions before bringing this up with your H and getting HIS opinion....

Maybe she figured if everyone told her it was nuts she wouldn't even bother.  She's just looking for some validation that it isn't off the wall before she suggests it to her DH.  I don't think that's outrageous.

lisa5201

If this guy is so super terrible than maybe DH might not want to carry his name either. I would suggest maybe coming up with a family last name for all of you, it just seems like the most cohesive thing to do for your new family

Maybe he, you and baby might want to take his mom's maiden name?  

mrs_tacos

lisa5201:

If this guy is so super terrible than maybe DH might not want to carry his name either. I would suggest maybe coming up with a family last name for all of you, it just seems like the most cohesive thing to do for your new family

Maybe he, you and baby might want to take his mom's maiden name? ?

This seems very reasonable to me. If he isn't DH's real father, and they don't get along, then a new LN might be in order. For me, giving my LO my DH's last name would be about giving them my DH's name, not his father or adoptive father, so I'd go with it whatever his name was and think of it as a representation of our own, new fmily, not th eone DH came from. That being said, I do understand your reasoning, and I like lisa5201's idea.

andrea922

This post is ridiculous, IMO. You wouldn't be giving your child the last name in honor of your dh's adoptive father, you would be doing it in honor of your dh. And if the adoptive father and dh's mother divorce, is your dh changing his last name? The whole thing is weird. If your dh is okay with you giving your child your last name, then do it. But ask him, not a bunch of strangers.

And, FWIW, my dh would be ticked.

queenbone

I can see where you are coming from.  But it seems like a touchy subject.  Your idea isn't as bad as my friend's who wants to give her hypothetical child her last name since her DH is adopted so "it's not really his last name anyway."  I cringe every time I think about this because it is so awful.

TUGOsQueen

Does your father meet your approval??

Have DH and DC take YOUR last name instead. 

secuccaro

andrea922:

This post is ridiculous, IMO. You wouldn't be giving your child the last name in honor of your dh's adoptive father, you would be doing it in honor of your dh. And if the adoptive father and dh's mother divorce, is your dh changing his last name? The whole thing is weird. If your dh is okay with you giving your child your last name, then do it. But ask him, not a bunch of strangers.

And, FWIW, my dh would be ticked.

Yep, this exactly.

katietclintt

I'm not sure how to answer this and I'm not sure you will get the answer you want or are looking for without talking to your DH. I do agree that maybe your family should come up with a last name of your own, but I would only say that if your DH has spoken previously of possibly changing his last name, otherwise even though he may not get along with his adopted father at times, he did take his last name at some point and that alone may be something that's a big deal to him. I'm sure only you and others that he has spoken to about this can speak for that so I do think it's something you need to discuss with him if you really feel strongly about it but I'm also not sure if it's your place to suggest changing his last name. You fell in love with him, you are with him, and having a child with him, and I'm thinking that has something to do with him and who he is as a person, adopted fathers last name, quirks, flaws and all, just something to think about. I'm guessing this is your first child with him since you have two other kids otherwise you should already have the answer to this. But I really suggest that you think about how that would make him feel, it's your name so you can do what you want for your last name, but this is his namesake and legacy..maybe I'm traditional but that's a big deal, whether you like the last name or connection or not.

shopgirl_07

Um, I think you mean piece of work, not work of art.

GeoffreytheGiraffe

At birth, every baby gets a last name.  (except baby Cher, and baby Madonna, and baby Becks ONLY got a last name)

 

So the last name of a baby is that baby's last name-not his mother's, or father's, or uncle franks.  Everyone, therefore has a name.  Now, your DH got his name at adoption.  Fair enough.  The day he was adopted he got a new name and it is HIS name.  Not his father's.  Not his mother's.  HIS.

Now, I firmly believe that there is no good reason to use one side of the family's last name over the other.  I'm a huge fan of the much maligned hyphen.  My husband and I both love our children so much we want them to share our family name.  So the Anderson-Vekateshwara Family we are.  That's right our kids have 16 character hyphenated last names because neither one of us wanted to not share a name with them.  It's awesome how much we love them.

So my children have their name that they got at birth.  It doesn't belong even in part to my husband or me.  It's wholely theirs. 

And boo to anyone who claims a baby doesn't get his or her own name. 

shkdo0701

To all of you who are wondering DH has been talking of changing his last name. That is why I brought it up. The man has been abusive to him since adopting him and the last straw was his sister's 19th birthday party. I just wondered if using MY name was ok. My first two kids ARE his but I'm uncomfortable giving LO a last name that my husband isn't sure he wants himself. The real pickle is if he wants to use his previous last name his mother's maiden name come up with our own or use mine. Personally I love my last name. I took on my step dad's last name because he was a father to me when my dad wasn't. DH feels like my dad is his dad also because he is the ONLY male in his life to help him out instead of knock him down. Thanks for your input. DH and I have discussed it in general but we haven't had a serious discussion on it. I just wanted to get a general consensus on what people feel is right. Yes I realize it becomes their name but the name I got saddled with I hated for 12 years of my life. I wanted to change my name the moment my mom said I do to who is now considered to be my dad. My birth dad wouldn't allow me to change my name. All this being said my children have to see this man and all the terrible things he has done, and continues to do and I'm sure they might feel as embarrassed of their last name as I was of mine.

andrea922

shkdo0701:

To all of you who are wondering DH has been talking of changing his last name. That is why I brought it up. The man has been abusive to him since adopting him and the last straw was his sister's 19th birthday party. I just wondered if using MY name was ok. My first two kids ARE his but I'm uncomfortable giving LO a last name that my husband isn't sure he wants himself. The real pickle is if he wants to use his previous last name his mother's maiden name come up with our own or use mine. Personally I love my last name. I took on my step dad's last name because he was a father to me when my dad wasn't. DH feels like my dad is his dad also because he is the ONLY male in his life to help him out instead of knock him down. Thanks for your input. DH and I have discussed it in general but we haven't had a serious discussion on it. I just wanted to get a general consensus on what people feel is right. Yes I realize it becomes their name but the name I got saddled with I hated for 12 years of my life. I wanted to change my name the moment my mom said I do to who is now considered to be my dad. My birth dad wouldn't allow me to change my name. All this being said my children have to see this man and all the terrible things he has done, and continues to do and I'm sure they might feel as embarrassed of their last name as I was of mine.

I'm sorry, but this makes even less sense. You have 2 kids already that are your dh's? What last name do they have? Why is that different from the baby you are pregnant with now? 

I think you need to sit down and talk about what you both want to do. But it would be weird to me if you have 2 kids with your dh's last name, and 1 without, yet they are all his children.

GeoffreytheGiraffe

agree with PP.  You need a REALLY good reason to give #3 a different last name than the others.

 

I wanted to do every other baby switch the order of the last names around the hypen, but I was talked out of that...I still kinda think it's a good idea, but I realized I'm a moonbeam and have to live in this unvierse, LOL.