Intro/ Question

Mama_Moe

Hi all, I haven't been to this site in a while so I thought I'd re-introduce myself. I'm a mother of 2, one 5 and the other 2 married to my DH for 3 years. As you can guess my first born is not biologically my DH. Now for the question part: the step parent adoption has been started (surprisingly by DD bio dad) but we've hit a few snags, is this the right board to ask these questions on? If not please direct me so I don't waste anyone's valuable reading/posting time! TIA!!

Dr.Loretta

There are others who may be in this situation who may be able to answer better than me, but I would at least suggest cross-posting to the Blended Families board

Mama_Moe

I first posted on the Blended Families board and they directed me here. I'm just going to throw out my questions and hope that someone can help, here goes. So we are in the middle of the step parent adoption and we get a list of requirements that we need to meet before they will interview any of us. They need the original birth certificate of DD and the original marriage certificate for my DH and myself. Now, I may just be paranoid but I am extremely uncomfortable sending the originals of these things to people I don't know in a city and hour and a half away. Is there any way to get copies in a reasonable amount of time? Second issue: they say that I have to explain what's going on to DD before they can proceed. I was adopted myself by my wonderful step-dad when I was 8 and I actually knew who my bio-dad was when all of this was happening to me. I don't remember, but my mom said that I was so traumatized by having to go to the courts and talking about by bio-dad and I didn't talk to anyone for months afterwards. I do not want my DD to have to go through this. Her bio-dad has been out of her life for more than 3 years, no calls, no cards, not anything. She has no idea who he is. I am planning on explaining things to her when she's older and can actually grasp what's going on and why. Is there any way that I can legally protect my child from this until she's older?

Dr.Loretta

You should be able to contact the county where you got married and had your DD, and request a copy. There may be a nominal fee, but it shouldn't be much. I have had to request a certified copy of a birth certificate for my passport, and it didn't take long to arrive.

I may be speaking out of turn, but I think now is an appropriate time to tell your daughter what's going on, in an age-appropriate way. It may require getting a counselor or therapist involved in order to figure out the best way to go about it, but I think it would be a good idea. If handled appropriately, it doesn't have to be traumatic.

I'm sure there will be some other gals with more extensive experience in this arena who can help you out.

Good luck.

Go_Dawgs

Mama_Moe:

Second issue: they say that I have to explain what's going on to DD before they can proceed.

I imagine they just need a certified copy of the original.  I also don't understand your exact question regarding the above issue.  Are you asking if your daughter has to go to court?  If so, you need to direct that question to your attorney.  If you aren't represented, call the judge's law clerk (or secretary if he does not have a clerk) and ask if it's necessary for your daughter to come to court.  If the answer is "yes", don't push the issue.  I do step-parent adoptions, and the judges in the counties where I practice will not finalize the adoption without the child present.

 

Mama_Moe

Thank you all for your help on this!

I think I'm just out of my element on this, it's difficult for me to sit down and tell my DD who has called DH "Daddy" since before her second birthday that she has another father out there. Any suggestions? Any questions that may come up from her that I should know about now?

 I would prefer to not have to do this right now, one: she may not understand what is actually going on and two: will she really remember it a year from now?

GBCK

Mama_Moe:

Thank you all for your help on this!

I think I'm just out of my element on this, it's difficult for me to sit down and tell my DD who has called DH "Daddy" since before her second birthday that she has another father out there. Any suggestions? Any questions that may come up from her that I should know about now?

 I would prefer to not have to do this right now, one: she may not understand what is actually going on and two: will she really remember it a year from now?

I would really REALLY reccomend you tell her sooner rather than later.  Simply because I'fve seen what happens both ways...I've never seen someone regret telling akid to soon.  I've seen a few cases of great regret of telling a kid to late.

Kids are amazing creatures.  When you tell them something and treat it in a 'normal' and 'matter of fact' fashion, they accept it as 'normal' and 'matter of fact'.

If you have one quick conversation with her, no, she might not remember a year from now.  But if you make the adoption a part of her life, if you talk about it,  she will remember and it will be just one of those things--nothing exciting.  She's 'adopted' the same way she has brown eyes or the same way dad needs glasses or the same way mom squints when she laughs...it's just how things are. 

 

some general 'telling kids' links:

https://www.adoptivefamilies.com/articles.php?aid=238

https://www.adoptionservices.org/raising_your_child_family/adoption_explaining.htm

 

https://encyclopedia.adoption.com/entry/explaining-adoption/131/1.html

ColoRxGirl

I think you will find that most everyone on this board will encourage you to teach your daughter about her bio-dad (in an age-appropriate way) now. 

Why?  Because as adoptive parents ourselves, we've had a lot of education on the subject.  The conventional wisdom is that children are well-equipped to handle the knowledge and that delaying the truth may even be harmful.  As adoptive parents, I think most of us will be open with our kids from a very early age about the fact that they are adopted and what that means - whether or not they have contact with their birthparents.

I think that sometimes these discussions are harder for us, the adults, than it is for kids.  There's no reason for your daughter to be distressed - she still has your DH, whom she loves and calls Daddy.  But as she gets older, she understand that Mommy made her (out of love) with another man - but that her Daddy is still the one who raised her and loved her everyday.