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need info about child placement (long)
I usually post on the nest, but I was hoping yall could give me some help. My younger sister had a baby that was taken from her at birth and put in foster care (drug issues), 9 months later it does not look like they are going to be reunited. The child will be placed with us in the next few weeks. We have no children of our own currently. We have only met him one time due to living in another state. We are hoping to adopt him because it looks like they are going to do a tpr on my sister and the father is unknown. I would just like some info on adjusting him to a new home at 9 months old and how I can help him attach to us and so forth. TIA
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Re: need info about child placement (long)
Mrs. Chip, sorry to hear about your sister's situation. However, there isn't normally a lot of people hanging around here on the weekend, so I would suggest that you repost this on Monday. Unfortunately, I can't help, I don't know of what books that you should be looking at or anything, but the other women on this site are exteremely smart and very VERY helpful.
Melinda
"I have four children. Two are adopted. I forget which two. -Bob Constantine
"All for Love,' a Saviour prayed 'Abba Father have Your way. Though they know not what they do...Let the Cross draw men to You...."
So sorry to hear about your sister's situation.
My sons were adopted at 8 and 10 months. One of the things that we did was to keep their worlds very small at first--limited visitors (which was hard, as it was the holidays) and limited stimulation/outings.
Another important thing is to make sure YOU and your DH meet all the child's needs--feeding, changing, soothing. S/he will likely be grieving, and you want the child to come to rely on you and trust you as Mommy and Daddy. Look him/her in the eyes while feeding and smile. Bathe together or engage in activities that promote skin-to-skin contact. The most important thing is to always respond--letting a baby cry it out during the first few months is definately not recommended.
Soon, the baby will come to rely on you and see you as Mommy--it may be quicker than you think. At the same time, attachment is a process, and you may see uneven progress, or even regression. I know kinship placement is different, but are you required to go through any classes? They may give you pointers as well. In addition, they could help you locate assistance in the off chance that you need it.
Best of luck.
Hi MrsChip -- and welcome to the board! I hope you'll stick around -- we have lots of foster to adopt mommies on the board and a few kinship placements who can offer you support.
In addition to the books and suggestions above, I would also encourage you to consider babywearing. There are tons of slings and wraps out there -- try lots of them out and find one that works best for you and baby. The close contact (even when you can't be skin to skin) will be beneficial to you both. Best of luck to you!!
Everything pp says here is fantastic advice.
Your situation sounds nearly identical to my own. My sister lost custody due to drugs of my now daughter Charlotte, who came home to us from foster care at age 7.5 months. She grieved for about 1 month, but very quickly bonded to my DH, in part because he is a SAHD and has lots of time with her. It took about 6 months for her and I to bond fully, but I noticed a big change around the 3/4 month mark.
We seem to follow most of the attachment parenting philosophies, and I really feel like it helped us bond quicker to her. We both 'wore' her in a carrier, cuddled with her often, always held her when we fed her, did not CIO, etc. We found that we bonded quickest when we were teaching her something new, doing the rigorous parenting things (feeding, changing diapers, bathing), and skin to skin contact (swimming was the best for this). We also limited visitors and did not have a babysitter (for date nights) for about 6 months.
The complicated thing has been family dynamics and relationships. We had to make it very clear to all of my family that we were the parents and my sister became the aunt (although it's obviously a special relationship). Most of our family got on board quickly, but my mom and sister took much longer. To this day I think my mom is still adjusting to the idea that Charlotte is my daughter not my niece.
We found that Charlotte came to know us as mommy and daddy VERY quickly, and for my DH he saw her immediately as his daughter. For me it took longer for me to get over the feelings that I had taken her from her foster mother or my sister and that I was an 'imposter' mom. It's just been a longer process for me I guess.
If you have any questions about the process we went through or how things are now, I would be happy to answer them!
Thanks for all of the information! I will still repost on Monday, just to see if there is anyone else who has info. These are all great ideas.
Sally J it does sound like we have very similar situations! I am a little wobbly about going full blast into being Mommy and Daddy (as far as to other family members). We want to be and that is the plan, but it will take awhile to be legal and things could happen. Did you find it hardest during the time before it was finalized? I am meaning as far as calling yourself mom and dad to other family members? How did yall treat that time? I want to be sensitive to my sister (as this was not her first choice). She has realized that she isn't ready to raise him and is on the verge of loosing her rights. So she wants us to raise him, but obviously it is hard for her.
When we decided it was the best thing for Charlotte to come home to us, we also decided that she deserved to know exactly who mommy and daddy were from day 1. We didn't want her to ever have any confusion and we wanted her to feel secure in her place in our family. This meant making her feelings our priority and not my sister's or family's feelings.
We referred to ourselves as mommy and daddy from the first day. We referred to my sister as Charlotte's birth mother, but refrained from using the title aunt. We have found a special name/title for her that fits our situation, using a word from our Inupiat language.
TPR happened about 3 months after she was placed with us and I think up to that point everyone still thought my sister would get her back. My mom even suggested that we give her to my sister (I was absolutely against this for obvious reasons). We live out of state so we didn't have to see any family except for a couple of visits back home. We finalized the adoption about 10 months after placement and we have since been to several family functions during that time, even ones that include my sister.
I thought it would be awkward, but it hasn't. My sister has adjusted and accepted the situation and as a result my family has also adjusted. I think a big part of that has been our attitude from the very beginning. We explicitly expressed to everyone that we were mom and dad and as a result everyone has accepted that.
Another thing we did, which some do not agree with was change her name. We changed her name because she was going to be our daughter and we wanted to name her, just as we would with any of our other children. We also wanted to signal to family that she is our daughter and the name change really helped with that.
It's not always easy, but we always keep Charlotte's best interest in mind for any decisions we make as it relates to family. This is tough since sometimes that conflicts with also being sensitive to my family and sister's feelings.