Stay at Home Moms

Will I eventually get over this?

DH and I have never viewed money as his and hers- it has always been ours and we've always been on the same page financially.  We are not hurting for money, and are able to support ourselves just fine on his income- so lack of money isn't the issue here.

Ever since I stopped working, I feel like I can't spend a dime (unless it's for both of us like groceries) without asking him first. For example, I wanted to buy a pair of pajama pants at Target for $10 and I actually called and asked if I could. 

Of course he always laughs and says yes when I do this, but for some reason I feel like I need his permission to spend money because he is our sole financial support and all of a sudden I feel like it's his money- even though he has told me multiple times that he does not feel the same way.  He says it's still our money.

Did anyone else feel this way when they first started to SAH? DH says  that I shouldn't feel this way, but I can't help it. I feel guilty that he works long hard hours (4pm-anywhere from midnight to 2 am) while I am home all day.  We made the decision together for me to quit working so I know he fully supports me being a SAH. 

Maybe it will change once the baby gets here? 

Re: Will I eventually get over this?

  • You'll get over it... my DH and I figured out a spending plan (I get a certain amount of $$ per week that pays for our groceries and any of my other routine shopping), and if I know I'm going to spend more than that, then I'll talk to him about it first (even though I know he'll say it's ok). This plan allows each of us to spend what we need to, but still allows DH to allocate extra money each month to debt reduction.
  • You work but just don't get paid to do it.  If you worked outside the home you would be paying a day care provider to take care of your child.  Since you stay home you do all those things that a day care provider(and then some)  does but you do them for free.  Maybe you and your husband should work out an allowance system.  He gives you a set amount each week that you can spend on whatever and that way you won't have to call him each time you want to buy something small.
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  • Yup. I felt like this too. We have always had separate accounts and then when we got married we got a joint account.

    My DH is the same way, if I ask him for some $$ for something he says "yes" but I still feel weird about it. I'm getting over it though. Slowly. LOL. 

    I have too. I'm not working and need *our* money for things, lol. 

  • We both have our own fun money allowance in the budget. We get the same amount set aside and we are not accountable to each other for it. I love it. I usually spend it on clothes (although we have seperate but equal clothing allowances) or fabric for sewing. This way it's you against the budget and not you against your husband when you want to buy something. It doesn't feel like a parent-child relationship this way when you don't have to ask. Your husband values what you do and you are each contributing in different ways. I struggled with this too but I finally think I understand. My husband wants me taking care of the baby. It is very important to him. What's mine is his and what's his is mine! It may take time to be ok with this but good luck.
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  • I used to feel this way because when I worked I made as much as DH and so I really felt like this was his money and since we cut our total income in half I should budget more. I never actually called him to ask, but I did feel guilty. Now I have finally realized that I add a lot to this family as a SAHM even if it's not cash. I will say, I am more careful about my spending than I used to be but I absolutely feel like it's our money not his. Hopefully you can get into that mode soon. 
  • I am a REALLY independent person, and it took me forever to get over spending DH's money.  I still have days where I feel really guilty about it - especially when we're looking at things we have to wait for (i.e. a bigger car, a house).  Those days, I still call DH if I'm going to spend more than $20 on something 'unnecessary'.  He just keeps reassuring me, and I'm slowly getting used to it.

    GL! 

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  • imageaxr8111:
    I used to feel this way because when I worked I made as much as DH and so I really felt like this was his money and since we cut our total income in half I should budget more. I never actually called him to ask, but I did feel guilty. Now I have finally realized that I add a lot to this family as a SAHM even if it's not cash. I will say, I am more careful about my spending than I used to be but I absolutely feel like it's our money not his. Hopefully you can get into that mode soon. 
    I feel the same way. (though I did not make nearly as much as DH). Basically, we have found what works for us. Every week when DH does the books, he gives me a heads-up, either things are good or watch your spending, we're tight this week. Honestly he is and has always been the more casual spender, were I seem to him and haw over every purchase. GL!
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  • One of the things that we plan to put into action is that I am going to start  paying all of the bills.  Basically, DH will hand over his entire paycheck (or give me the passwords to his online accounts) and I will make the payments for almost everything.  I also do the grocery shopping and most of our other purchasing.  I have the time and will to do it and the discipline to stick to the budget.  (Of course, we are still working this plan out and haven't quite put it into action, so maybe ask me how it's going in a few months!)
  • imageRianals:
    One of the things that we plan to put into action is that I am going to start  paying all of the bills.  Basically, DH will hand over his entire paycheck (or give me the passwords to his online accounts) and I will make the payments for almost everything.  I also do the grocery shopping and most of our other purchasing.  I have the time and will to do it and the discipline to stick to the budget.  (Of course, we are still working this plan out and haven't quite put it into action, so maybe ask me how it's going in a few months!)

    It has always been like that for us. I am just better organized at bill paying, handling accounts, etc.  Our paychecks always went into our checking (with a certain percentage DD into savings) and then I paid the bills and withdrew our cash spending (I highly doubt my husband even knows how to use an ATM, LOL).  We have a designated spot on my desk for receipts so DH just leaves them there so I can deduct from the checkbook.

    We sit down about once a moth and I tell him how we're doing, how I'd like to adjust the budget, etc.  He has always handled our investments and long term savings though because he enjoys it.

    It's always worked well for us, so this won't be changing...I just won't be contributing financially anymore which is my hang-up.

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