Stay at Home Moms

why do people judge?

if you are a full time SAHM, do you ever get the feeling that society at large looks down on you?

most of the time i feel very supported. my family and close friends are all supportive. however, i feel like the pressures for working moms and SAHMs are unfair. it seems like you get judged no matter what decision you make for whatever personal reasons you choose. i imagine that for some women, the option to have/maintain a career and have enough time for thier child(ren) is completely possible. some careers are more "family friendly" than others, and many times the career of the husband plays in to the flexibility the mother has to stay in her career and raise a child. my point is that each family faces these decisions coming from unique circumstances. i just think it is a shame that any woman would judge another for her choice. my close friend works full-time and has things she loves about it and things she hates, just as i do about being a SAHM. i don't think one is better off than the other, and overall, we both are very happy. we both found what works for us. i do, however, feel that the situation for women in tough. there's no easy answer. i don't even know why i'm posting this, it's just that this topic has been on my mind a lot lately. my friends are all starting to have babies and are making this decision. i was the first, and made my decision without my peers really understanding what i was going through. and now i see that there's a great divide among many of my friends as far as those who work and those who stay at home.

It makes me sad to think that women on both sides are judged and feel judged. We are all doing the best we can.

Re: why do people judge?

  • No. I have yet to feel judged for being a SAHM. I have however been judged for not having a *real* job.

    Case in point - I was visiting a friend of mine who works at Detroit Country Day (uppity private school here in MI). Her co-workers and I were getting ready to go out one night when one of them asked what I did for a living (this was right after getting married - no kids yet). I responded that I waitressed, because that is what I did at that point. 

    I immediately got the pity looks and "Ooohhhhh....." as a response.

    My friend immediately piped in "But, she also has a bachelors in Early Childhood Education/Human Services and her Kdg-5 teaching certification, plus she is working on her Masters in Early Childhood"

    It was funny to see their jaws drop and them chat me up like we were bestest buddies, LMAO. 

     

  • I've never personally been judged for being a SAHM, at least not to my face.  Although before I was a SAHM, I had heard a few people judge others for being a SAHM, saying it was easy, must be nice, etc.  One of these people was a single guy that I never thought was particularly smart anyway, so I'm not offended.  Stick out tongue

    But my opinion is that people who judge very harshly either way are generally people who aren't completely confident in their decision, and are trying to justify their choices.  (I'm sure there are exceptions, like the overly confident and obnoxious Dr. Laura, but I think that's the general rule.)  I used to be much more judgemental and defensive when I was a SAHM at first.  Now, after having been a SAHM, then worked PT, then a SAHM again, I feel much more confident in my decision, but I also get that everyone's different. 

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  • Eh, it is just a part of humans.  We have the ability to analyze situations, have complex thoughts and feelings, draw conclusions, use our experiences to develop opinions of others' situations, etc.  Thus we all judge.  I know I do.  And actually, I would rather someone judge me than not have the ability to think on their own and form opinions.  Try not to let it bother you - easier said than done!
  • I guess people in general tend to judge for different reasons in general (weight, political views, parenting styles etc) so why would SAHM vs WM be any different? It sucks but it's a way of life. The decision is a tough one and in the end, there's no right answer so long as you have the children's best interest in mind. 
  • you're very right.  women are judged for staying at home and working full time.

    i'm often complimented for staying at home.  it makes me feel good, yet at the same time i think: what if i had told you i worked full time?

    i'm still pretty angry at this: i have a HS friend who is a Dr. and has 2 little boys (age 1 and 3).  she had been drinking, i'll give her that, but she was basically putting me down for getting out of Architecture to stay at home and 'just be a florist' (i work 15 hours a week at a flower shop).  i really bit my tongue, but i could just not believe her.  she's in her residency and had to move to another city, away from her kids, for a couple months at a time, plus of course the long hours of being a surgeon.  her DH is a stay at home dad in fact! 

     

  • I don't feel judged. I feel proud and very lucky. I think it felt weird when I first left my job and I was still in touch with my friends from work... but I quickly got over that and now I am very confident in my decision.

    I think no matter what you decide (work FT, sah FT, work PT...) there will always be someone who tries to rain on your parade...usually out of jealousy. I think there are people who always think that the grass is always greener on the other side and they're not confident themselves and always want what others have. You know what's right for your family and you have no need to justify it for anyone else. If someone is truly happy with their choice, then there is no reason for them to judge. I feel that judgmental people are that way because they're not truly happy. I don't judge working moms. Some people simply have to work and that is what is best for their family... to provide food and shelter for their children. And for moms who choose to work, maybe they feel that it makes them a better mom by being able to get out and work. Some people aren't cut out for being home 24/7. Everyone is different.

     

  • I don't think I've ever been judged, but sometimes I probably am guilty of judging myself. I kind of feel like I don't have a 'real' job, but I know deep down that this is what I was meant to be doing. I wrote an article yesterday on my blog about working moms vs. stay-at-home moms and my views on it if you are interested in taking a look:

    https://laurasmommyblog.com/?p=228

    Laura

    https://laurasmommyblog.com

  • Here's my take:

     In the months leading up to my DD's birth I always felt 'judged' when people asked what my future "plans" were....

    I would tell them that I planned to SAH indefinitely.  I would get jaw-drops, and responses like 'what are you going to do with all your free time', 'are you sure that's the best choice', 'I could never do that, I'd be soooo bored', 'what about your degree', on and on.  Usually, these comments were from friends without kids.  My friends who worked outside the home would say things like, 'oh, good for you- wish I could do that', or 'whatever works for you!'. 

    Well, now that the baby is HERE (7 months old) I haven't had a single comment about the fact that I SAH.  Sure, sometimes people ask what I do and I tell them I'm taking care of my baby and, well, the conversation ends there (guess they think it's not worth talking about).  But I've only had positive comments from people.  I think that they feel that I've made my choice, and if they disagree with it they bite their tounges because they won't have any impact on my decision anymore.

     When I hang out with my friends we usually avoid talking about work (even when I was working outside the home).  Mainly, because who wants to sit around and talk about that when there are much more interesting things to discuss! 

     Also, if someone judges me I quite frankly, do not care.  Now that my DD is here I understand how much work it is to maintain the house and take care of her.... My DH is fully supportive and my daughter is thriving-- that's really all that matters to me. 

  • I am changing my answer to:

    HEAR YE HEAR YE!  Why do you care?  Don't let it bother you and it becomes a non issue.   

  • imagecp760:

    If someone is truly happy with their choice, then there is no reason for them to judge. I feel that judgmental people are that way because they're not truly happy. 

    Just wanted to disagree.  I couldn't be happier with my current status, and I do make judgments towards other people.  I will admit that I have opinions and judge people.  And I know people judge me.  No problem....because I know I am right.....just kidding......kind of =) 

    And hopefully those whom I judge can confidently say the exact same thing!! 

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