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Baby Showers
Planning a shower: sticky situation
Hi all.. it's been a long time since I've logged on here. I have a sort of sticky situation for my sister's baby shower that I'm throwing and thought that I would bounce it off of you ladies:
So my sister is due in March and I'm throwing her a shower at my house. Traditionally in our family, we don't have co-ed baby showers. She has already expressed a desire to have co-ed baby shower (but goes back and forth because my mother is very pushy and isn't ok with this). **No judging ladies, yes we're both adult women who allow our parents to influence our life's decisions** LOL
Any hoo, I do not get along with my sister's boyfriend in any way shape or form. They've been together a long time and the tension has only gotten worse over the years. (my parents really do not like him) But the biggest issue is that my husband and he despise eachother- to the point where they do not even acknowledge the other's existence. My husband did not want me to have the shower at our house due to the chance that the baby's father may show up- I'm throwing it at our house so we can save some $$!
My sister knows what's going on with everything.. how do I ask her if she's planning on inviting him? Do I even ask? My husband will be very hurt and upset as their feud runs far deeper than just a petty argument. My best friend thinks my sister won't have him show up to the shower.. but I dont want to be surprised that day and have things ruined for HER day. If anything, I'm thinking of asking my hubby to leave for the day (then again.. it is HIS house).
What are your thoughts?? TIA
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Re: Planning a shower: sticky situation
The best thing would be to ask your DH to stay away and tell your sister that the shower is an all girls shower, so if she can get her BF to spend time with his friends!
Yes, it's a shower for her, but who is throwing it and where matters too. And she needs to respect that this is your home.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I'm happy that you say this because the feud has put a strain on my relationship with her. We've gone months without contact. To be honest, we only resumed contact as she told me that she's pregnant and I wanted to support her. So the situation is very difficult to navigate.
I'm going to try the upfront and honest approach (tactfully of course). Hopefully that works. She knows that if I dont' throw her a shower, no one else in our family will so at the end of the day my requests should be respected.
thanks!
I would do a women's only baby shower, as you cannot very well NOT invite the father of the baby to a co-ed shower.
Your sister is an adult and should see that this is the only solution to avoiding high drama at what should be a fun and relaxing celebration of her new baby.
As far as the co-ed part goes... is this her way of trying to mend broken family relations, now that the new baby is on its way? I would want to end the acrimony for the baby's sake. There will be many holidays, christmas's and birthdays and this issue is going to have to be addressed.
From that, if she says she would rather cut the guest list and make it co-ed regardless, then it's time for a (as much as possible) gentle talk. "Sis- this is hard to say, so please bear w/ me. I'm so thrilled that we've reconnected and I just can't express enough how excited I am for you. however, you know the history and because it's still there - I simply can't invite your BF into our home. It's DH's home too and I have to respect him. I hate to say that, and I dont' want to focus on that. But I'm hoping you can understand the position I'm in.....". And heck, even say "I"m here to support you, but I need some support in return.".
Good luck. I hope you all can repair your relationship and get to a better place. But please be careful. It sounds like this is all still very new. Don't get TOO emotionally invested in case she isn't at a place yet where she can seperate your and your Dh from her BF.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I'm sorry there's stuff going on between you all and the baby daddy but he is the baby daddy and you're doing this to support her... right? So if you're supporting her and she WANTS the baby daddy there, how supportive is it if you say no? I mean, it's not going to change the fact that he's the dad and speaking for myself and my own shower, while it's a female shower, my husband WILL be attending. And I'm only having one shower and had the host said No to him attending, then there wouldn't be a shower. I don't need people in my life that can't support me fully.
I'm just trying to present it from the other side, I guess.
GL!
click the pic (blog)
I think to turn this into "I dont' need people in my life that can't support me fully" in THIS situation is unfair. There are serious, deep issues at play here and just because her sister is PG, the OP and her DH are now supposed to turn a blind eye to everything that has happened in order to "support" her sister? The BF is now obsolved of all past wrong doing just because her sister is PG?
Why isn't her sister just as responsible for supporting the OP and her marriage? To force the OP to invite the BF into her home is actually NOT offering "full" support to the OP. So - how is that any better?
Support is a 2 way street.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
woah take a deep a breath and exhale.
I didn't see anything in the post that said anything about the pg sister wanting to support the one throwing the party. all I saw was that the host wanting to support the PG one, and all I'm saying is that if it were me, and my host asked that my baby's father not attend, then I wouldn't attend.
click the pic (blog)
I don't know if this is common where you live, but in my area, the father of the baby often comes at the end of the shower, just to quickly say hi to everyone, help pack up the gifts, etc. If so, how do you plan to handle this? I don't think it would be very fair to ban the father of the child from the shower completely.
What is the feud about? It's kind of hard to give advice without knowing this.
Clomid Cycle #1: 50mg = BFP
=Beautiful baby girl born May 23, 2009
TTC#2: BFP Cycle #1, no fertility meds!
I completely agree with eastcoast. It is not necessary (or even traditional) for the father of the baby to be present at the shower (at any time). My DH was not at any of my 4 showers. I had 3 with my first baby and 1 with my third. He wasn't even there to load up the gifts...my friends helped with that.
I also agree that the host has a right to request the baby's daddy not be there. It IS her DH's home afterall...and why should he have to leave just because someone he hates "might" show up. As far as birthdays for the LO...her DH doesn't have to attend. I've gone to many kids' birthday parties without my DH. He's not into them and doesn't go. It's not a big deal. It sounds like the rest of the family is not on board with this guy either, since if her sister doesn't give a shower no one else will. It is not too much to ask that the BF stay away.
I think honesty is the best policy! She knows the situation, and you are doing something nice for her, she doesnt really have the right to tell you how to do the shower, if she wants a co-ed shower she should have someone else throw one for her.
She knows how your mom and husband feel, and she is putting you in a hard place. Plus in my experience guys hate going to those types of things anyway.
I do think you need to talk to her, because even if you do an all girl shower, she might bring the boyfriend if you don't talk about it. Ultimately it is your home, and if your husband doesnt want the boyfriend in the house, your sister needs to respect that. If she doesnt, then let her know you cant throw the shower.
But dont just chance it, the last thing either of you want is drama infront of all your friends and family.
I thank all of you ladies for your different answers as I have been going back and forth about this. Someone asked what the feud was about- let's just say he is utterly disrespectful to my sister and my husband. What happened will never be forgiven. I have come to accept that my sister will love him regardless of what anyone thinks is good for her- and at the end of the day- who am I to judge? I just refuse to allow him in my home or around my child. And based on what happened- I am siding with my DH on the subject.
I think what I'm going to do is wait for her guest list- I asked for it no later than Thanksgiving. If I see that it's co-ed then I obviously need to be honest with her. Regardless of what happens about her bf coming- I'm going to ask my DH to hang out with his friends that day (just in case). DH has no desire to attend the shower anyway (he didn't come to mine).
Again I thank you ladies for your advice- and once I have the convo- I'll let everyone know how it goes !