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Baby Names
Naming dilemma and huge disagreement brewing
DH, his father, and his grandfather all have the same first name. DH goes by a nickname and I didn't even know his real first name until I'd known him about 10 years. His father goes by his middle name. His grandfather went by the first name, but is now deceased. The name is not my favorite and is not my first choice for naming my little munchkin (I'm due in 7 weeks). Before we even knew we were having a boy, MIL and SIL were suggesting female variations of DH's given name. They are super sweet people and would never knowingly pressure me to do anything, but I've been feeling pressured from the beginning. Now, DH has come out that he wants to name our boy the family name and we can just call him by the middle name. When I suggested giving our baby the family name as a middle name, DH dismissed that as a compromise.
I feel silly that my first post here is a rant and vent, but I couldn't sleep last night because of this. At this point, DH has been refusing to talk about it, because we both know this will evolve into a huge fight. Any advice or suggestions? Should I just let him have his way? My family doesn't have any naming traditions, so it just seems silly and vaguely egostistical to me to insist that this name keep being used when no one goes by the name.
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Re: Naming dilemma and huge disagreement brewing
"Darling, it is really important that we both adore the name we are giving to baby. Your first name is strong and classic, so how about we use it for a middle name? The baby is getting your last name, so I feel that it is only fair that we both choose a first name that will stand out and be his uniquely."
How is that?
I am not down with DH's who are all possessive over choosing the name when the baby gets his last name.
Since this is a 4th generation name I am surprised you didn't see it coming even before TTC and discussed it then.
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Because I also ditto:
I am not down with DH's who are all possessive over choosing the name when the baby gets his last name.
It's a tradition in DH's family to name the first born son after the PATERNAL grandfather. Years ago, I said to DH that if we ever have kids, I'm not o.k. w/ this. The baby would already be getting his last name. What about honoring MY family?
Luckily, DH 100% agreed w/ me and it was not an issue.
But I would discuss this w/ your DH too. Acknowledge that it's a fine tradition - however, it's jsut that. Tradition. Not "law". You all ARE allowed to pick a name that the two of you truly like. And for the fact that NONE OF THEM even go by the name, how can he really claim that the name is all that important to pass down?!
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I didn't see it coming because no one alive in the family even uses it. It's just a legal technicality on paperwork. It didn't occur to me that he would suddenly be so tied to a name that 95% of the people he knows don't even know about. When I sent out wedding invitations, people wanted to know who "George" was and what happened to C. MIL and SIL were coming up with Georgia, Georgina, and Georgetta when a girl child was still a possibility. As we've gone through other names, he has never mentioned it. Only recently has it become an issue. Prior to TTC, we were more concerned about just having a healthy, all the right parts in the right place baby since I'm considered advanced maternal age.
This is also really coming out of left field for me because he is so laid back about everything else. After 4 years of dating and almost 2 years of marriage, we haven't had a major disagreement about anything because we are generally aligned and in tune on most things.
DH has a grandfather on one side of the family who can trace his line all the way back to colonial times and in every generation, there has been someone with the name his grandfather had (first and middle). I knew this going in and it took me YEARS to convince DH that we wouldn't be using both names, he had to pick one or the other. When he finally picked one of them (his grandfather's first name, which his gf doesn't use since he goes by mn), I then had to spend some more time convincing him that it would be a nice mn, not first name. I wish I had some more concrete advice for you than to just say it was a long process. (And after all of that, we ended up with a girl, so I may have to start the convincing process again when we get pg again.)
Is the middle name one that you came up with together?
Honestly, my son is the fifth, and it was very important to my husband that we name our first born son after him and his family. If it is that important to your husband, and you will be calling your child something else-I don't see why it is a huge deal.
I am having a hard time understanding why using the family name for the first name and having a middle name of your choice is a bad compromise? I can understand asking to use it as the middle name but if the baby is going to be called by the other name be it middle or first - does it really matter the order for you then? You seem willing to use the name (since you suggested using it as a middle name). So why not use the Family Name first and Your Given Name as middle and call him by the middle name as DH suggested? You maintain a family tradition that evidently means more to DH than you realized but get to call your son the name of your choice.
Since you don't have any naming traditions in your family, maybe you should take a different look at it rather than calling it silly and egotistical. I never expected I'd be one to absolutely follow naming traditions either - I have a totally different view of it I've progressed in this pregnancy after my previous losses and since my grandmother's passing this year. There is a girl name that has been maintained in my family for 5 generations - and I am absolutely using it for my first girl (who would be the 6th generation with the name) be it this baby or the next. I've adored the women with this name and feel more connected to them as a result - in a special way as the eldest girl who was honored with the name.
Perhaps your DH is experiencing something similar? And realizing the naming tradition has a more profound affect than he realized? Just something to consider....
If the baby is going to go by what your DH calls his MN, then why not just give that to him as his FIRST name???? Seems like a logical compromise to me. You're still carrying on the family name (and the family last name also), just in a different way. It's going to be so annoying for your LO for the rest of his life write his name one way, but go by another. My DH is a jr. and as soon as we knew we were pg, I said no way to another boy with his first name. It's too confusing.
It's VERY egotistical of DH to insist you go with a name you're not completely happy with. It's your child too and you have as much a right to his name as he does.