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Pregnant after 35
RaeAnt
member
IL/DH vent-long
RaeAnt
member
How do I make him understand?! From the get go, I've have been adament that I don't want other people around when we have the baby and for a few weeks afterwards until we have some sort of routine. Dh is to be the only one at the hospital..he can't understand why I don't want people to be even in the waiting room. Well, gee....if they are in the waiting room, they will want to come into MY room after the birth. Nope, not happening.
With this being our first and me being clueless, I want my mom around for a couple of weeks to help since we're in another state and we are felt that Dh working partial days as oppose to completely taking off made more sense since if he doesn't work, he doesn't get paid right now. With my being here, she wouldn't help with cleaning, cooking, watching the baby, helping me if I need it while Dh works and also when he comes home, it'll give him a chance to take a nap before helping as well. Here comes the IL part.
He wants his parents and his sisters....all three teenagers to come down during this time. I'm due 12/24. He sent them airfare info for 12/25. Doesn't understand why i don't want them here. Saying it isn't really fair if my mom is going to be here. Um.. she'll be helping in everyway, they will be getting in the way, wanting to pass the baby around like an appetizer, need to be shuttled or entertained...when the he!! would we get anything done and have a schedule or keep LO from getting sick...one sister has MRSA and one is always sick. i just told him they are not to be here when he isn't and i will only allow 2 hours max at a time including dinner. he is going to burn himself out. getting sick, leaving me to care for him and the baby. he claims that they can help. HOW? When that is 5 extra people that I don't want here in the first place. i won't feel comfortable sleep... nor would I be able to if they are in the house. Are they going to cook, clean, and all that stuff while we recover? I've been stressing about this for months. Origanally thinking it wouldn't happen because they couldn't afford to, but we while up for our baby shower, they gave us a card with note saying that as soon as his Dad gets this one reimbursement, they are buying the tickets. NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!
My Mom is furious that he isn't respecting my wishes. And the fact that his parents wouldn't think about asking before coming down. I told her I was never asked. And of course saying things makes me a b!tch, which normally I'm ok with, but I shouldn't be labeled that for this. To me, this is common sense. I've talked to I'm blue in the face about it and he just kinda ignores me on it. My mom said we'll just hop in the car and leave. I said the IL can stay here, I'LL stay in the hotel.
I'm so tired of stressing about this. Without coming straight out and saying "I don't want you here" to my in-laws, i don't know what else to do. Dh just continues to facilitate it. And the longer he keep it up, the worse it'll get until i totally go off on him and follow through on my threat when they are here. I even tried to get my Mom to talk to him, but she said she didn't think he'd appreciate it. I don't care whether he appreciates it or not.Someone or something needs ot get through to him becusae obviously I'm not.
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Re: IL/DH vent-long
Can you just call your IL directly? At this point, it looks like they think you WANT them around then, because no one has told them otherwise.
Your DH is not going to tell them, so it's up to you. How about a positive, "Hey, just looking at everything, it would be better if you can come Jan 25 - etc...."
Sorry, but you are going to have to do this one!
First of all, YOU ALONE have control over who is in your hospital room (or in the delivery room). Use it. Let your doctor and the nurses know who you do and don't want in your room. You are the patient. Period. I wouldn't even bother fighting your dh on this one. Just give your doctor and the nurses marching orders and they HAVE to follow you, not your dh. Your dh will not be the patient. He has no say. Obviously you can't keep them out of the waiting room, but you absolutely can keep them out of your hospital room. Absolutely.
Now the harder part. Dh and I have been down this road and you need to start talking with him now. Can you calmly explain to him that during those first six weeks after delivery, you will be (a) potentially recovering from major surgery if you have a c-section (on pain meds, etc.), (b) learning to breast-feed, which believe it or not, may or may not come naturally - and by the way, you're going to be pulling out your boob every 2 hours and don't want an audience around who makes you feel uncomfortable until you get used to this, (c) and your hormones are going to be out-of-whack - you may be struggling with post-partum depression or baby blues. Let him really think about how you are going to be feeling. What that adjustment is going to feel like for you BOTH.
Ask him if he'd like YOUR mother to come stay with you for an extended stay the same day he had major surgery - watch him hobble around halfway undressed, unshowered, with major sleep deprivation. Ask him to really think about how he would like it if you invited your mother out for such a stay without asking him how he felt about it.
Then gently tell him that, during that stressful time, you only want people around you who will make things easier for you while you settle into a routine. Those will be people who will not be critical of you. Unfortunately, there are some people who make you feel comfortable and other people who might be critical during this time you feel uncertain and new in your role as a mom. Fair will not be equal. It's fair that you might WANT help from your mother and close girlfriends during this time. They've seen you naked and you feel comfortable letting your hair down around them.
Gently ask him if he would please honor your desire to not have his family as houseguests during those first six weeks. But that after six weeks, you are happy to start having visitors from his side of the family.
Good luck with this one. I recently got dh to agree that his mother will not come visit us for six weeks after the baby is born. But believe me, it was a long hard battle.
Yikes this is tough. I'm sorry you have to deal with this.
I guess if it were me, I'd simply tell him that the inlaws can A) stay at a hotel during their visit or
not visit for a month or two when airfare surely will be cheaper! I then would tell him that A) he can tell them this directly or 
you will tell them. Either way, these are the only options for what is happening around the time you push out a human being from your loins.
click the pic (blog)
That is a tough situation, but perhaps you can find a compromise? Sometimes its hard for me to remember that it *is* the IL's grandbaby too, since it seems like I'm the one doing all of the 'work' for him right now!
Maybe you can let him have his parents come visit for one or two days, but have them leave the teens at home? Or have them come but stay in a hotel?
Babies change so much in the first few weeks, I think I would eventually regret the damage caused by allowing my family to see him, but not DH's...
Wow, Rae... I can't believe your husband doesn't get it. He's the problem, not the ILs, since they are only hearing "come on over" from your hubby.
I think it's time to flat-out call your hubby out on this one. He's acting like an idiot to you. Can you call upon your inner crazy pregnant woman and get all hormonal on him? That might make an impact!!
GL
I just wanted to disagree with this a little bit. Yes, the ILs have a grandchild, but you as parents get to decide what is best for your family. If having your MIL and his teenage sisters staying in your home immediately after the birth will stress you out, that's not good for your family - the one you are creating with dh. It may piss off his family of origin, but it's only a few weeks and they will get over it.
Yes, babies change in the first few weeks. But seriously. "Damage" caused by having her mother, with whom she is comfortable and who will truly be a help to her - the patient, immediately after the birth? Come on. The ILs will see the baby after she gets her feet on the ground. Not years after the birth, but maybe six weeks. That's not a big deal.
She needs to do what's best for her and her family. And it sounds like having her dh's mother and teenage siblings stay with her will completely stress her out. That's not good for mom or baby.
I guess I'm with the poster who said, tell your dh that either he calls his parents and reschedules the visit for sometime after the first six weeks, or you will call them and deliver the news.
Yes, it is a big deal and I totally stand by my thoughts.
This is DH's first child too. He helped create this child and as partners in marriage his wants and input are just as important as mine!
Your family may be different, but in our family if we let one set of parents see the baby right away and flat out refused to let the others see him for over a month it would cause permanent damage to our relationships- DH and mine as well as our relationships with our parents.
Yes, you may be more comfortable around your Mom than you are around his, but it is HIS BABY TOO! Limit their stay, ask them to stay in a hotel, ask them to keep the teens at home until the baby is a little older- all totally fine options. But to say my parents can see the baby right away but yours can't is totally selfish to DH and his parents.
Her husband appears to be unwilling to implement these boundaries, which would be reasonable. But I also stand behind my position. If his wife is uncomfortable having HIS parents as houseguests immediately after the birth, he needs to respect it and if that means asking them to stay at a hotel, then that's what he should do.
His wife's feelings come before his mommy's. And if they don't, then he should move back in with his mommy.
Completely true, but thats not what I took from the original post. Perhaps I mis-read, but what I came away with was he wants his family to be able to see the baby right away but she was unwilling to let anyone other than her mom do so.
The whole intent of my post was to encourage them to compromise so that both sets of parents could see the baby, not to say that she had to let them take over her life or house right after birth!