Doing "whatever it takes"

Strunella

With my first RE appointment coming up on Wednesday, DH and I began discussing some "what ifs."  He said that he is willing to do "whatever it takes" to have a child.  This means finding the money, somewhere, somehow.  I, on the other hand, don't want to go into serious debt over treatments, especially when there are no guarantees. 

We haven't discussed the nitty-gritty details since we haven't even met with the doctor yet, but I'm worried that we might not be on the same page about this.  I mean, at some point, we all have to decide how much we are going to financially invest in this process.  Anyone else not entirely seeing eye-to-eye with their DH?

BirdieBrd

My husband and I are sort of a page off on this subject.

What we agree on:

-Whether or not I am ever able to conceive, we would like to adopt one day.

-We  will not pursue IVF because it's too expensive and the chance of conceiving is not high enough to be worth the expensive. 

What we don't agree on:

-IUI...I'm willing because it isn't nearly as expensive as IVF....from the little research  I've done around $6k. Which is not cheap but not IVF expensive either.  He still looks at that $6k as too expensive and not enough guarantee.

It kind of sucks because we are pretty close to seeing a RE so we really need to get together on what we don't agree on. 

 

ETA: You look like Anne Hathaway in your wedding pic. 

ougrad1

Just a thought-my RE has a plan for IVF.  It's 25,000.  You get three tries  (or maybe four) and if you don't take a baby home in the end you get it all back but 15%.

Since we have Emerson, we aren't going to the IVF phase but, if it weren't for her, we might.  25,000 is A LOT of money though.  GL

ETA-My first iui last month was only 350 oop and 70 for the clomid.

caityr

Just never say never. Your attitude about what you would or would not do in the future may change. Example-I was convinced I would not need IVF and did not even want to hear about it-it was not so much the $ as the invasiveness. Three IVFs later....just see what happens at the appt. GL.

kb75

We are close but not exactly the same. I would do whatever it takes, including adoption. He will do whatever it takes for us to have a biological child together, but isn't willing to consider adoption at this point.

I think you need to be on the same page about whatever your immediate next step is. But beyond that, I'm not sure it's worth worrying about - especially if you differ. Cross that bridge when you come to it, as they say.

MrsKario

Yes, my H and I are not on the same page at all.  I (like your H) am willing to do whatever it takes.  I can not imagine living my life without having a child.  I know there will be a gaping hole that I will never be able to fill. 

My H has two children from his first marriage.  Yes, I am blessed with two great stepkids but it is not the same thing as having your own baby.    My H doesnt really get what I am going through because he is already a father.  He would be perfectly content if we didnt have any more kids.  He absolutely refuses to adopt - says "im not raising someone elses kid".  This is really hurtful to me because I am raising "someone elses kids".  

I do know that there does have to be a limit on what we will do.  We are OOP and IVF is our only option.  Sigh.  If this preg. doesnt work out this might be the end of the road for us. 

Im sorry that you and your H and struggling with this.  IF treatment really takes a toll on marriages.  The only advice I have is that maybe you both have to compromise.  Take a look at your financial situation and decide how much money you are willing to spend.  I agree with you - I doesnt make sense to go broke doing treatments with no guarantee. 

Sending hugs.

Strunella

Hhmmm...yes, there is definitely more to discuss.  I am open to adoption...and I believe DH is too.  But, as he is adopted himself, I wonder if it is even more important for him to have a biological child.  I would do IUI and maybe a round of IVF.  Yet, part of me thinks, for $20,000+  we could adopt and be guaranteed a baby.  I am just afraid to get caught up in the emotional aspect and then find ourselves in major debt. 

I have heard of that plan where you are guaranteed a number of IVFs and will be refunded a large portion of your money if it is unsuccessful.  Might look into that a bit further.

caityr

Strunella what you are referring to is called shared risk, if you want to ask about it at your appt. Not everyone will qualify for it though-that is something you need to look into.

*littlered*

We are not on the same page either. We both would like another child but our tolerance for debt is way different. Fortunately, my parents are willing to lend us the money (ours will all be out-of-pocket) and help us to get past this money-hurdle-of-stress to move on. DH is very reluctant to take the help but he is going to have to get over that.  He does not get the urgency with age (I'm 38, almost 39). It is really annoying! 

QE2

?It's very difficult to go through this process, but even more difficult when we're not on the same page. I have found that?counseling has?help me a lot. It has gotten us a little more on the same page, and I'm little more willing and open to discuss options that I had previously turned down.?

panda246

We have pretty much been on the same page, but have switched books throughout this journey.

I guess my only advice is to keep talking about it and keep an open mind about all the options. 

ougrad1

caityr:

Strunella what you are referring to is called shared risk, if you want to ask about it at your appt. Not everyone will qualify for it though-that is something you need to look into.

Caityr is correct.  There are limitations.  I stopped reading the plan when they said the cut off age was 38.  I just turned 38 last month.

Strunella

Well, it looks like I'm too old for that option.  Eh, one less thing to confuse me!

hollymichael

Good luck at your appointment today. I think different clinics have different cut off ages for shared risk, so it might still be a possiblity.  At any rate, I wouldn't think too far ahead at this point.  Take things a step at a time and hopefully, you won't ever get to the IVF point.

Our situation is a little different. We are on the same page about what we will do, but we differ on how to pay for it. Right now, I have great fertility coverage, but if DH and I switch real estate brokerages, we will no longer have this coverage.  He hates our current company and wants to switch even if it means we will be OOP for IVF.  I think this is crazy and I want us to stay put.  (I am leaving out a lot of deatils, but that is the general picture).  It is really the only thing we fight about.