Our Open Adoption

kmkaull

The post below got me thinking about where our open adoption sits now 4 months since Q arrived.   I was a little nervous about how it would all work out, but we're starting to get into a rhythm, so I thought I'd share a bit . . . 

We were matched in February, and Q was born May 29th.  So we had some time to talk and establish a relationship.  We did not write up a formal agreement, but did have an honest discussion about our expectations.  You know when you meet a family and just know they are salt-of-the-earth, honest people?  That's how we felt when we first met Q's birth mom, and her family.  We agreed to just figure everything out together as time went on.  This strategy isn't for everyone, but has worked for us.

We've seen Q's birth mom 4 times since he was born, so about once a month.  Each visit gets easier . . . for everyone involved, I think.  She lives 5 hours away from us, but we were in her neck of the woods this weekend, so we got together for lunch.  In some ways, my heart still hurts so much for her.  Q is at the age where he knows us, smiles at us, lights up at our faces.  I can't imagine how that must sting a bit.  She is tender and loving with Quinn, but cognizant that we are his mom and dad.  She's very respectful of us all . . . asks lots of questions about him, but also asks how we're enjoying parenthood.  She seems to need that reassuarance that we're happy with the baby.  

I asked her flat out how she feels when she sees him (we're close enough to have that conversation) and she said that she's proud.  That he's the best thing she's ever done.  She also said that to see herself in him is amazing (she was adopted internationally at age 4).  

Life has moved on a bit for her.  She's studying for some exams this fall.  Blessedly, she's had something to focus on, and feels good about achieving these goals.  We're really in awe of her strength and maturity.

Her mom lives near us, and Quinn sees her about every other week.  I have even started to let her babysit on occasion.  Next Sunday, she'll join us at the pumpkin patch with my dad and DH's parents. She's an awesome person, who simply loves her grandson.

We've been to their family gatherings, and their extended family even gave us a little baby shower after Q arrived. 

It's not all Pollyanna perfect.  We had our struggles, and have definitely had to work on our communication.  We just have tried to tackle this with open minds and hearts.  I have spent so much time thinking about if a close relationship with his birth family will be confusing for Quinn.  My prayer is that if this is the only reality he knows, he'll grow up grounded and confident about the roles all of the adults play in his life.   

Sorry so long . . . I'm well aware we have a somewhat unusual situation and that our adoption is much more open than most.  It's just how life has evolved for us.  My advice for anyone considering open adoption is just to make wise decisions for your family, but don't be fearful of the unknown.  

 Finally, I highly recommend the book, Because I Loved You, by Pat Dishler.  She spoke at our adoption training session last year.  Though she placed her son in the 80's, when adoptions were closed, she had a social worker who helped facilitate communication with her son's adoptive parents.  It is an incredible story!

-Stephanie-

Thank you so much for sharing this! I think it's beautiful and only hope that we can approach the future with such open minds and loving hearts.

floridakat

Thank you very much for sharing. I will look into the book. And congratulations on your sweet little boy!

Dr.Loretta

Thanks for sharing!

julandjo

I'm so glad you shared this.  We're hoping to have an adoption as open as this as well.  It's hard to imagine at this point - how will our 2 bio kids fit in with the birthfamily, etc.  But like you said, these things evolve and we just have to embrace the unknown!  Congrats!

MayDayGirl

Thank you so much for sharing!

Alicia_22

Thank you for sharing your story!!!!

Art Teacher

Thank you for writing this post.  We have an open adoption agreement with Zoe's birthmom, too.  We will be exchanging pictures/letters multiple times each year (up to age 18).  We also have the understanding that we are open to visits (2 per year is what is in our agreement) when Z is feeling up to it. 

 We talk about every other day through email.  I hope this continues; I look forward to her messages so much.  I can't wait to share them someday with Zoe.

It's all very new to us, though, so it's nice to read about someone else who is going through the same experience.

Capricornbaby80

Thanks so much for sharing your wonderful story