XP-Would this offend you? Honestly...

nettie

I feel like my sil and I have this thing where she is constantly putting down working moms and it really gets on my nerves. It seems over the past couple years she has cooled it somewhat but still makes comments here and there. I always just figure she is not happy with the decisions she has made. But I have to admit it DOES really get to me even tho I feel I have to work and that is the decision I made. So the other night we are at a family get together and her SIL who also stays home says she thinks kids are so messed up these days because society is set up so most households have 2 parenst working and then they come home and and are too tired to deal with their kids and just bathe them and feed them and put them to bed and not deal with them and then my SIL chirps in "yeah they spend like, what an hour with them?" I didn't say anything, this kind of talk always takes me by surprise, but now I feel really offended that they talked like this in front of me when they both know I work, I mean obviously they couldn't care less about my feelings.. I feel this among other things is really making me dislike my sister in law and now I feel like I really dont even feel like associating with her unless I have to. I dont feel I can be close to someone who doesn't care about my feelings. The thing is she has these creative card making classes and I dont even feel like attending anymore because I feel so turned off by her comments. I know she will ask if I am coming this friday and I feel like saying no, because I have to spend time with my kids because I only see them an hour a night! I know passive aggressive, but really I probably won't say anything. would you be offended/hurt? I guess maybe it has just been building up over the years. I don't really feel like talking about it with her because I just feel like why should I have to make someome act respectful and nice to me and I don't want a big family drama-she is into that. I am going to delete this soon...

stillhoping

My thought is that she is saying these things to get a rise out of you. Do not let her do it, be the bigger person here and just laugh her off. you know that you and your husband are doing what is best for you and your family.

kmrvsade

It would offend me but I'd have said something right then instead of stewing about it privately. 

Angela814

That would really bother me. I think it would have bothered me even more a few years ago when I was working at a job I hated. Now that I have a job I love, I'm much more confident and content with my decision to work. I know that I still get to spend plenty of quality time with DD every evening.

Jaylea

Uh, yeah. Saying working parents are the reason for society being messed up and mocking our parenting would offend me.

I'd flat out tell her that you're not going b/c you're not interested in hearing any more opinions about working vs. staying home. She's not worried about saying what she thinks around you, why should you worry?

Jodi&Joe

It doesn't offend me because I totally agree.

I do think that parents are so overwhelmed now -- -moreso than when the economy was (loosely) based on a one person income and a parent (usually a mom) was able to stay at home.  It's just a fact that being at home makes things a tad bit easier --- timewise.  While it's a HUGE challenge to be home with kids all day (God do I know that!) but it also does allow more time to do things like get dinner ready, grocery shop, laundry, etc etc etc.  All of that stuff, and spending time with your kids, has to be crammed in between 5-10 every night when you both work.

Truth rarely offends me.  It's NOT a dig on you --- or any working moms for that matter. It's just reality.

sooosie

I work full time also, and I don't think I'd be offended - I think I'd be annoyed and would've come up with some kind of retort right then.  Those types of comments are just plain stupid and depending on my relationship with my SIL I would've told her that right then. 

Hopefully she'll knock it off!

nettie

Yeah, I should have said something then, btu I guess I was just so taken back by rudeness, I wasn't sure if I was hearing right....Belle you are right-I am sure she was trying to get a rise out of me and I should just be the bigger person..

penguingrrl

Wow!  What a horrible thing to say!  Even as a SAHM I'm offended by that thinking!  When women can't respect each other and their choices how can we ever expect equality in the world?

isabella22

Yes, I would have been offended.  That is a very stupid comment to make.

It is not just quantity, but quality.  You know that you are a fantastic mom.  Come up with a good (but not bitter and childish) response to her antics for next time.

Good luck.

jorie

I'm less offended by that stuff than I am annoyed.  Like a pp said, it might be b/c I like my work and choose to work.  I would have probably said something when she first started making comments.  I imagine your frustration is worse now b/c it's been building up over the years.  Sorry:(

DaiLyght

nettie:

Yeah, I should have said something then, btu I guess I was just so taken back by rudeness, I wasn't sure if I was hearing right....Belle you are right-I am sure she was trying to get a rise out of me and I should just be the bigger person..

Instead of stewing about it and feeling hurt (which btw I agree with you - I would feel really offended, too). Start thinking about some nice, but to the point comments to make next time she starts in on it again. Since this seems to be one of her favorite topics, I'm sure it will happen again. 

nettie

Thanks everyone , don't get me wrong, I have made comebacks over the years, I am the Queen of comebacks(normally ) but I just find it so tiring and think maybe I should just distance myself from her from now on.

Flem052204

My sister was always been quite outspoken about "parenting your own children." (her words)  I am actually kind of surprised because she works, but her DH is a SAHD (and has been for 9 years).  I get that they've made sacrifices so at least one of them can stay home, but you would think in her situation, she would realize that there is not a one-size-fits-all parenting solution.

To her credit, she was most outspoken when she was a new mom, long long before I had kids.  She has kept her opinion to herself ever since I had my kids (I'm a WOHM).  But even though she is no longer so outspoken, I know how she really feels deep down inside.  But there's nothing I can do about it, so I don't let her get to me.  The truth is, nobody knows my family beside DH and me.  We know what our needs are and what works for us so pretty much, anyone else's opinion is worthless on this subject.

nettie

cjcouple-great advice!

ljlkm

It wouldn't offend me because that stuff never does.  I really, really, really don't care what anyone thinks about my lifestyle and my parenting choices. So they could say anything and it would just roll off my back. 

That said, I also choose not to spend time around people that irritate me.  So I totally understand your not wanting to attend her card class.  But don't make a big deal of it, just don't go.  You've got a million other ways you could spend your time that would make you so much happier.

ridesbuttons

You know, it really takes a special kind of knob to make those kind of comments.  I mean really.  Have an opinion, fine.  But spewing it out in front of you daring you to defend yourself (when no defense is required) is like throwing down a guantlet.  It is tacky and unnecessary.

I would be offended and upset.  It would totally bother me and I would stew over it for days, I'm sure if someone had said that in front of me.

I would cancel on the card class.  I would not want to spend time with someone who is so vocally critical of my personal life choices.

You can't choose your family, especially not your in-laws.

hopefulmom

Yes it would offend me and I would no longer be going to her card class.  If you really like the class and can continue to put up with it then by all means go...but if it were me that would be the last place I'd want to be.

As for the asinine comment about the reason kids are messed up because both parents work is way off.  Obvioulsy she has not been near Detroit or heard about it.  It has 30% unemployment and who knows how many are living on welfare and social security (which is not included in the unemployment counts).  I'd guess that 50% or more households has at least one parent in the home at all times...yet the graduation rate for high school seniors is less than 50%.  Don't even get me started on the crime rate...and the ages of the perpetrators.  I imagine the statistics in many other large cities are the same.  It is more important to have quality time with kids than quantity time.  Ya...the parent might be home but are they actually interacting with the child or are they just sitting the kid in front of the TV?