Feeling guilty and conflicted... (long, sorry)

Mustang Sally

We decided to send DS to nursery school one day a week from 9-11:45am.  It's literally around the corner and they have a class for under 2s - 6 kids with 3 teachers.  We thought it would be good for him to learn to play with other kids and be away from me a little bit, and it would give me time to do some of the chores around here that just don't get done when we're home together.

Well last week was his first time there and he cried the entire time.  They said they were going to start offering Tuesdays as well as Wednesdays because of parent interest, did I want to send him 2 days?  We thought maybe it would help in the beginning for him to get used to it, so he went yesterday and today.  He was apparently a bit more consolable but still cried more than any other kid.

Today when I went to get him the lead teacher said they would like to give him another month and then re-evaluate how he's doing.  As in, this may not work out because he's just too upset.  I feel like crap because he doesn't NEED to be there.  We really thought it would be a good thing for him, and clearly he does need to get used to being away from me in different places (he's fine at my ILs house) but maybe it's too soon?  Is he too young?  If we wait until next year when he's 2 will it be better because he's older, or will it be worse for having spent another year glued to my side?  

I just can't get past the guilt I feel for leaving him there when clearly he's so upset about it, and he doesn't need to go.  I'm here, at home, and I should be playing with him!  Granted, I got several loads of laundry done and put away, vacuumed the entire house, dusted, changed all the sheets, and cleaned all the toilets...

We initially decided to try this so that he could interact with other kids without me there, not even for the couple of hours I would have to myself.  We didn't really think about doing 2 days, but thought maybe it would help him get used to it faster, rather than it being this place he goes for barely 2.5 hours once a week.  I just wish I knew what was right.  I feel like a terrible mother.  I mean, my job right now is caring for him, and here I am leaving him somewhere that clearly makes him upset.  Boo.     

KKM

Just give it some time, he will be just fine.  Even though Brady has been in daycare since 12 weeks we still had tough drop-offs in the morning for about 2 weeks when he moved up to the toddler room.  You deserve time to yourself, and I firmly believe it is good for kids to realize they are ok withouth their parents.

janal

First, cut yourself a break. Three hours in a different, safe environment isn't going to hurt your little one.

We put our daughter in daycare a month ago and she did the same thing. It was heart-wrenching for the first couple of weeks but it got better and she warmed up. She still has days when she's not the happiest kid in the room, but overall she is getting used to it.

I say give it a bit more time. If it's still bad in a month, you can reconsider but I bet he'll be fine!

mooregatemommy

I would keep him going there. He will get used to it and most likely enjoy playing with the other kids.

It's better to get him socialized early. We have friends who's son is 4 and is in pre school. It took him a long time to adjust to being away from them. He wasn't in any type of daycare, just him and his brother being watched by the In laws.

Good luck. I say keep it, and like the teacher said, give it a month and if he still cries try again next year.  

J+O

If he doesn't need to be there and you feel upset about it, then don't send him... it shouldn't be so upsetting for him & you if the whole idea was just to socialize and for him to have a good time while you clean. ?He's still really young. ?Some may disagree, but if he doesn't need to be there and I was in your position I wouldn't take him back for awhile. ?Maybe try again in a few months? ?Jack went through a period of just wanting me, now he's a total social butterfly.?

RufflesRambo

I have an experience that may help you. DS has been in daycare since he was 3 months old. He had a hard time adjusting but he was just an infant and he's been find ever since.

But about 3 months ago a little girl, Sadie, joined the class. She was 13 months old and had spent the last year at home with her grandmothere. The first day she was there (I spent quite a bit of time there since I nurse Oak at lunch) she literally screamed the entire day. I felt so bad for the teachers. This went on for the whole first week. I kid you not. The other kids were ignoring her but clearly she was having a hard time adusting.

Second week - she was a little timid and cried some but no more screaming.

By the third week she was a regular kid again - interacting, playing, smiling. She loooved me for some reason and always smiled and came to me when I visited.

She has since moved up to another room but I know she's doing great! Some kids at this age have a harder time than others getting used to new situations. GL!!

cbwm

Okay, I am a FIRM believer of giving your kids the gift of social interaction with other kids in SAHM situations.

Your son is 16 months old and is just now being left with other people - OF COURSE there is going to be an adjustment period! Did you really think there wouldn't be?

You said yourself that he's gotten better each time he goes, so it's almost a guarantee that you can expect him to love going within another week or two weeks.

DO NOT feel guilty. Your son needs this and really will probably start enjoying himself soon!

AugustaBride04

Maybe give it more time?? Like a month.  We switched to a new nanny (our old one was with us for 1 year) when DD was 18 months old. OMG it was such a hard transition.  It really took her about 1 month to adjust and adapt. It was a long hard month for me, but now she's doing just fine.  I think they are so much more aware of things now, it's just gonna take some time.  Don't beat yourself up over it and don't give up. Pick a date and say if things aren't better by this date, then re-evaluate. I know it's hard to see your child upset though.  Good luck!

ladeebri

I think your intentions to get some socialization going are good.

Spending time there is very different for him and its going to take some getting used to. Because he doesn't go very often it may take a little longer for him to get the hang of it.  I bet that if you give him a little while, he'll get the idea that mommy always comes back and he gets to play with some other kids.  Dont feel guilty though!

kgb1411

Lots of kids do this.  I agree with your teacher.  Don't worry about it for now, and re-evaluate in a month.

aforst

The beginning is always hard.  It's normal for him to need some transition time, especially after spending so much time with you.  I think you should give it some more time and see if he adjusts.  I know it's really hard on you too.  I have felt your pain (still do some mornings!)  It should get easier. If it doesn't, then you might consider removing him.  Try a couple more weeks.

My DS has been in daycare since 4 months.  Obviously it was an easier transition then b/c he didn't know what was going on.  However, I really think they benefit from being around other children.  Good luck, I really hope it gets better!!

cops_wife

Did you stay with him the first time or just drop him off? If I were going to put DD in any kind of childcare, I'd want to ease into it (visit together and play for a while, then leave together, then try going away after having been there with her for a bit). I wonder if there's a way you can make this adjustment easier for him.

Lucky_Dragonfly

It took DS at least a month to really get used to going to daycare. I think because he is older it is going to be even harder for him. DS started daycare when he was 3mos old so while he knows who I am he hasn't hit the total attachment phase yet. It will jsut take some time. Keep at it.

Mustang Sally

cops_wife:

Did you stay with him the first time or just drop him off? If I were going to put DD in any kind of childcare, I'd want to ease into it (visit together and play for a while, then leave together, then try going away after having been there with her for a bit). I wonder if there's a way you can make this adjustment easier for him.

I did stay the first time for a few minutes, played with a few toys with him, then when the teachers got him distracted I left.  I then went back early and played with him there again, just for about 15 minutes.  I don't want him to get used to me being there with him though, you know?  

And yes, I did know it was going to be hard on him.  I guess I just didn't think he would be THIS upset (he's that kid, I can't believe it!  I never would have thought) and I didn't think it would be so hard on me either!

Thanks for all the encouragement ladies!  I know that it's something we just have to get through and I'm just hoping that it gets better with time. 

SBear12

Oh you poor thing... that sucks. If we had a program like that available, I'd consider taking Lyla... I can definitely see the benefits (especially for me to have a couple hours to get things done!), although I'm sure she'd react the same way.

Does he have an intense personality in general? Like when he's upset, he's REALLY upset? If so, I'd imagine this is partly just his personality, and waiting another month or two might not make a difference. But if this is somewhat out of character, I'd probably listen to the teachers and give it some time before trying again... I would kinda assume they know best, since they deal with this every day.

My mom sent me to a preschool program like that when I had just turned 2. She was a SAHM and wanted me to get some interaction, especially before my little bro was born. I HATED IT and cried the entire time... I actually have a really distinct memory of sitting on a teacher's lap, half playing with an abacus thing, staring out the window and crying for my mom. For me, it was a personality thing... I was just super sensitive/intense. FWIW, she didn't send me back after that first day, and I turned out perfectly well-adjusted.